FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Huge Caravans of Youths Paid by George Soros Invade Fort Lauderdale Beaches!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Throngs of youths, aged 16 to 25, have been seen flooding down to beaches – especially Fort Lauderdale in April. They are drinking beer, selling drugs, having loud parties and generally causing havoc in this otherwise peaceful community.  Rumors have persisted, especially among Republican locals, that George Soros is behind this mass migration. We interviewed some of these “invaders-from-the North” who confirm that “they were promised lots of free beer, wild parties, and beautiful ‘babes’ if they made the perilous trip from their Northern College campuses to Fort Lauderdale”. It is uncertain if they were actually given cash, but photos have emerged of people handing out flyers advertising “free beer for the ladies”, and “all you can drink specials” to these caravans of youths. Although no one there seemed to know the name “George Soros”, Republican city and state officials and FOX news have strongly asserted that Soros instigated this “mass migration” just to make Donald Trump look bad and force cities to spend more on Police and City services that deplete their budget. According to one official “Those are tax dollars that could be better used to build more exclusive golf courses, and marinas for million dollar yachts.”

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Trump Sends Harsh Punishment to Saudi Prince – GO TO Bed With NO SUPPER

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a stunning rebuke to Saudi Arabia, President Donald Trump tweeted that he had ordered the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia “Whatever-the-hell-his-name-is” to go to bed WITHOUT SUPPER, and NO TEXTING or TWEETING for 2 weeks, as punishment for murdering  Washington Post Reporter Khashoggi. Trump went on to Tweet “I want to send the Saudi’s a strong message that America will not tolerate such behavior – But really want to thank them for the 10 billion dollar Arms order last week. Really  GREAT GUYS!”

Monday, October 1, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh Tries to Get into Heaven

If his attempt to enter thru the Pearly Gates of Heaven go like his hearing, here is what I expect it will go like…..

St. Peter: Excuse me Mr. Kavanaugh, it seems there is a problem……some unfinished business from your time on earth……

K: This process has become a Holy disgrace. The Bible gives you an important role in the entry process. But you have replaced “advice and consent” with “search and destroy.” Since my recent death, there’s been a frenzy on the left to come up with something, anything to block my entry into Heaven. Shortly after I died, the Democratic Senate leader said he would “oppose me with everything he’s got.” A Democratic senator on this committee publicly referred to me as evil. Evil!. The allegation against me was held in secret for weeks by Democratic members of this committee. They were lying in wait and had it ready for the day I died. Then they come along with a series of false last-minute smears designed to scare me and drive me out of Heaven. This whole effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit, fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election, fear that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record, revenge on behalf of the Clintons and millions of dollars in money from outside left-wing opposition groups.

The so-called party described by Dr. Ford happened in the summer of 1982 on a weekend night, when my calendar shows all but definitively I was not there. I keep all my important stuff in my calendar so when I am accused of something like this I can hold it up and say “See! It isn’t in my Calendar so it couldn’t have happened. I was a virgin most of my life, and even well into my married life, so how could I have done anything like what I was accused of.  Sure I like beer! DO YOU LIKE BEER ST. PETER????

St. Peter: Actually I Prefer wine.

K: Well I like BEER! Sure I drank a little bit and occasionally may a slurred a few words, but THAT’S ALL! Nothing like sticking penises in peoples’ faces or groping them while holding my hand over their mouth. I’d have certainly put THAT in my calendar, wouldn’t I? And since I didn’t it proves that I didn’t do any such things. How come when PJ and Judge were questioned they didn’t say it happened and they didn’t write it in their calendars either! How about confession??? Wouldn’t I have said something in Confession which I went to every day – sometimes more? Where are THOSE records? I’ve worked my Butt off to get into Heaven. I’ve done everything my party asked me to do – blindly and without giving it a second thought. I demand you let me through those Pearly Gates Now!

St. Peter: Go to Hell!

Friday, September 28, 2018

How Brett Kavanaugh might behave as a Supreme Court Justice (satire)

If Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior at the  Senate Judiciary Committee hearings is anything like how he will be as a Supreme Court Justice, here is how I imagine the re-hearing of the Roe v Wade case go……

CJ: We will now begin to hear from the lawyer in defense of Roe v Wade

K: Chief Justice, before we begin these arguments I’d like to make a statement…

CJ: Go ahead, but make it brief

K: We need to take a vote on this now. These arguments have all been heard before. If there was anything new, why didn’t they come up before? Also, who is this Roe person? She admittedly did not recall how she got pregnant so what gives her the right to terminate it? Women who get pregnant have plenty of time to decide if they want a baby or not – then they wait until after they are pregnant and sometimes far along in it to decide that they don’t want to bear the child? This is just a case of those anti-Christian, #MeToo movement people filling their young heads with ideas about being “career women” instead of stay-at-home-moms, and the liberal Dems pushing forward their misguided agenda. Our founding fathers gave us the Freedom of Religion, and my Religion says abortion is wrong, so I am exercising my Freedom! The founding fathers said nothing about the right to an abortion, so obviously they were against it. If they had objections, why didn’t they come forward when the Bill of Rights was written instead of waiting some 200 years before raising this issue when the Democrats were in power and could sway the court their way. I think the American people have waited long enough for us to decide this issue and now that we (conservatives) are in the majority, I see no reason to further delay this miscarriage of justice by my Liberal predecessors. We’ve already had more than 40 years of arguments, hearing more is just the Liberal Dems tactic to delay, delay, delay. I’m in favor of dismissing any further talk on this and let’s take a vote today on this.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Evangelical and Anti-Abortion Groups Demand Dr. Ford be Questioned by an Exorcist

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Evangelical groups and anti-abortion groups who are now terrified of losing their best prospect for a Supreme Court majority, have demanded that the Judiciary Committee subject Ford to questions by a Professional Exorcist.

“It is quite clear to us that she has been possessed by the devil. That is how she is able to pass these polygraph tests, and sound so convincing – 'The Devil may assume a pleasing shape and lie'.  We need to have a professional exorcist question her to get her to renounce the devil and confess. They know methods that will get to the truth and force the devil to relinquish control of her."

Friday, September 21, 2018

Trump prepares new short list of SCOTUS candidates- Grant Robicheaux and Cecil Riley

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As pressure mounts to withdraw  Brett Kavanaugh from consideration for Justice to the Supreme Court over allegations of sexual impropriety some 30 years ago, Trump is preparing a new short list just in case. At the top of the list are Grant Robicheau and Cecil Riley who according to Trump "...represent the highest moral character standards that exist in this country”. Although both of these people are currently under indictment for drugging and sexually assaulting their women victims over nearly a decade or more, Trump tweeted. “Don’t think that’ll be a problem. Besides at least we don’t have to go back 30 years for these allegations.”

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Bombshell Op-Ed exposes Trump's Erratic Behavior on Golf Course and Those who Are Trying to Control It

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

PUTTS Magazine this week published a bombshell Op-Ed piece from anonymous sources who have caddied for Trump and are now speaking out about his erratic behavior on the golf course and how they are keeping him under control by whatever subversive measures they need to.

I am the resistance – well I suppose me and the other guys too, who I also can’t mention by name. We caddie for President Trump when he plays at Mar a Lago and his other courses. Everyone knows he can be pretty explosive when angry – and right now he’s angry alot! But when he has a bad golf day, things can really get explosive – like WWIII explosive! So we make sure that doesn’t happen. He’s a totally lame golfer who just flails away, but we make sure that every shot ends up in the perfect place. When he shoots one in the drink – which is most of the time - we tell him it landed on the green. When he hits someone else’s ball, we tell him it was his. He rarely listens to us when we tell him what club to use, so we just hand him the right one regardless of which one he thinks he should hit with. No matter what we make sure he always scores par or below. I figure we’re doing this country a big service by keeping him under control like this– otherwise who knows what he’d do.”


The Resistance