Disclaimer

FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Scientists at the CDC express growing alarm at the infection rate of the DtRump virsus


Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

Scientists at the CDC have expressed growing alarm at the rapid spread of the DtRump virus.  This is the same type of virus that ravaged Europe in the 1930s and 1940s and killed millions of people until it was contained. Now a new variant of it seems to have cropped up in the US and has infected millions of people nationwide. The highest number of cases have cropped up in the Midwest and Southern states typically known for its Republican political views. No one is quite sure how it jumped species to become this new more lethal Dtrump strain. It is believed to have been initially transmitted from contact with feces spread by certain FOXes. These FOXes can pack a lot of virus in their feces and have a wide range so containing them has proved nearly impossible.  Not long ago a trial vaccine was used called the SchiffN1 to prevent the spread. Unfortunately, it weakened whatever immunity those subjects had to the virus, and all but one ended up with the most virulent strain. Military Veterans also seem especially susceptible to become infected with the virus since their strong patriotic fervor seems to weaken their immune system to this kind of virus. Once infected, it’s victims can show signs of memory loss, dementia, and believing impossible lies that non-infected people would simply scoff-off. In its most virulent form, it can lead people to shouting matches, severe aggression, habitual lying, and name-calling much like Tourette’s syndrome victims. CDC is hoping that by inoculating uninfected people with a new vaccine called All1Blu it might stop the spread of this before it becomes another worldwide pandemic.

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Trump's call Kim to offer Him White House Visit - But First Has a Favor to Ask……


Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The White House today confirmed that Donald Trump placed a phone call to North Korean Leader to offer him a White House visit sometime in the future. However, in the call Trump stated,
“ I’d love to offer you this visit, but I have a favor to ask …..There are some very nasty rumors going around about Mitt Romney that we’d like you to investigate. Vert terrible things that people have said he’s done to discredit me. Could you talk to Rudy about investigating this and then we can proceed to set up this visit to the White House.”

Later rump declared the call "another perfect call".

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Undocumented Mexican Workers Claim Their Crime Does Not Rise to Level of Deportation


Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Hundreds of undocumented workers who were arrested in last year’s ICE raids appeared today before a federal judge to vacate their deportation orders. Their attorney stated they all have the same defense.

“Your honor, while their offense of crossing the border illegally and working without a valid green card may have been inappropriate, it does not rise to the level of deportation. Furthermore, they were acting in the interests of this country by providing cheap labor. Also, this whole round-up of illegal immigrants is nothing more than a “witch hunt”.  Besides, the idea that somehow they crossed illegally is based upon hearsay and they demand the right to confront anyone who actually claims to have seen them cross illegally in this hearing.

The judge who is considering this request stated “If it’s a good enough defense for the President, it’s good enough for me.”

Trump Awards Second Medal of Freedom to Bernie Madoff


Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Citing his outstanding contributions to “creative book-keeping” over his lifetime, President Trump today awarded a second Medal of Freedom to Bernie Madoff, the convicted felon who scammed hundreds of people out of their savings with his Ponzi schemes. The award also comes with a presidential pardon. 
Millions of Republicans cheered this move as finally recognizing someone who knows how to handle finances responsibly.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Iowa Caucus To Decide Next Year’s Superbowl Contenders


Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After witnessing how well the Caucus worked in choosing the “winners” of last night’s first Presidential Primary, The NFL has decided to let the same process work for determining the contenders in next year’s Superbowl game. In a statement by the NFL, “Instead of having all these wildcard playoffs and rankings, we are going to let Iowans just sort it out with the same efficiency and accuracy that they did in last night’s primary caucuses. It is anticipated that they will hold their caucus even before the first game is played – that way they can be the first to announce who the winners will be to play in the Superbowl. "
The actual results may possibly be tabulated and made available before the season ends, but it's still uncertain given the glitches they had with the Primary. Advertisers who have paid millions for 30-second ads in the Superbowl are lining up to do the same for the Iowa Superbowl caucuses.

Thursday, January 30, 2020

Trump Signs Executive Order Blocking any Results of the 2020 Election From Being Revealed to Media.


Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Citing reasons of National Security, Donald Trump today signed into law an Executive Order that will bar Media and News outlets from posting any results or predictions from the forthcoming Presidential election in 2020.

“This could be a grave threat of the utmost kind to our National security if they are released by the fake media. It would give our enemies great power over us. Therefore I am prohibiting any media outlet or Newspaper from revealing this, and only I will tell the American people who won, which will be Yuge for me.”

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

US Supreme Court Decided It Will No Longer Decide Any Cases – “Let the People Decide”


Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Taking its cue from Republican Impeachment Managers’ arguments, the US Supreme court has decided to take the same path and will no longer hear or decide any cases put before it. “We’re going to let the people decide”, said chief justice Roberts. “Why should we have to sit through all those arguments and listen to boring evidence when we can just sit back and let the people decide. After all of our laws that are passed are perfect to begin with – there is really no need to say or hear anything more - and far be it for us to overturn the will of the people.  We’ve unanimously decided to take at least a 4-year hiatus and just let the people decide how they want things. We’ll be safely holed up somewhere safe when the Sh*t hits the fan."