FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Lost speech by Adolf Hitler decrying violence “on both sides” during Kristallnacht

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A lost transcript of a speech made by Adolf Hitler the day after the infamous Kristallnacht in Germany in 1938, has recently surfaced. 
In it he decried “…the violence on BOTH sides that led to many of our brave law enforcement people, who were simply trying to uphold the peace, being injured by broken glass.
There were Jews there with menorah’s that they were holding up as weapons, and Torah’s that they were using as clubs to prevent people from putting out fires that the Jews themselves were setting and breaking Windows. It’s no surprise when a few enthusiastic members of the Nazi party felt obliged to defend themselves against these acts of terrorism by the Leftist’s and Jews. While we regret that a few Jews were injured and maybe even died as result most likely of their own actions, we cannot just blame one side for this. The blame goes to many sides – many sides.”

He went on to condemn to foreign press for their biased reporting of the event, and promised to rally his base against them as well.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Kim Jong Un – "Threats to Guam only to promote Tourism There"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

In a rare show of agreement between the USA and North Korea, Kim Jong Un stated on their national TV that their threats to Guam were only designed to promote tourism, just as President Trump said. They released a new poster today to promote this idea. Kim also promised to help promote tourism in other places too such as Hawaii and Seattle, Washington.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Latest Trump Twitter Feed puts Nation at Defcon 3 briefly

Satirical News Service

The Nation briefly went to Defcon 3 - the highest national threat alert since the end of the Cold War after President Trump tweeted that he could launch a nuclear attack against Pyongyang and his base would still love him. He was alluding to a statement he made once on the campaign trail in which he stated that "...I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue in New York City and my base would still support me".
John Kelly was immediately contacted by the joint chiefs of staff wondering "WFT was going on". After several frantic calls to Chinese diplomats and NATO, and back channels to North Korea, the alert was scaled back.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Trump Planned To Fulfill Another Campaign Promise – Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Early this morning Chief of Staff John Kelly received and urgent call from Trump’s Secret service agents saying they were currently restraining Trump and needed Kelly to get over to Trump Towers Immediately. According to sources close to Trump, after Tweeting that his base was bigger than ever, was seen leaving Trump towers with a loaded Winchester stating 
“I’m going to fulfill another of my campaign promises today and go out on 5th Avenue and shoot someone -  and my base will still love me”.
Secret Service Agents immediately restrained the protesting President Trump until John Kelly arrived, and told Trump that in no uncertain terms could he do this. 

Sunday, August 6, 2017

One Fish Two Fish.....

With apologies to Dr. Suess

One fish, Two fish
My Fish, You Fish
Say what a lot of Fish we catch
What a lot of Plots we hatch
This one has such tiny fins
Much too small to keep in tins
We keep him anyway on the line
And reel him in from time to time
And if it fights us, we’ll yank back
And reveal what he knows about election hacks
This Trump fish we catch won’t get away

He’s on our hook and there he’ll stay.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Putin Fires Trump; Says He’s Very Disappointed With His Disloyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a startling shake up at the Kremlin, Putin today fired Donald Trump saying he was extremely disappointed with Trump for not showing the kind of loyalty he expected. This comes just days after Trump signed the bill authorizing sanctions against Russia.
 In a statement Putin said “After all I did to get him elected, you’d think he’d show a lot more loyalty. As of today, he’s out! You know people around me who are disloyal to me don’t usually last very long. I’ll now be looking for a new U.S. President and expect a lot more loyalty from him.”

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Trump Orders New Addition To Vietnam War Memorial

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump signed an executive order today ordering the National Parks Service to add an addition to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington DC to honor those who would have fought (and won the war BIGLY) had they not been prevented from going by crippling "bone spurs" in their feet. So far only one person fits this memorial.