FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Millions of Unemployed Americans Take Up Golf to Show How Much They Value Work

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to demonstrate to President Trump and Republicans in Congress that unemployed people value work as much as they do, millions of them have recently taken up the game of golf. 

“We want to show our President and Congress that the $600 they provide us with for extended unemployment benefits will not lead us to think that we can just do nothing and get paid by the government. No, we want to show, that we can work just as hard as they do. “

I recently followed one unemployed airline worker around one of the golf courses near his home. Here is what he said to me, “You know I had no idea how hard this is – getting up at 11:00 every morning and heading out here to swing a club all day. Thank GOD for golf carts, or I might have to walk this thing.  I’m still pretty bad at it, but it only shows me how motivated we all have to be to not just slack off and take money from hard-working taxpayers. I just can’t imagine how trump and all those Congresspeople do it every day. Sure, they probably make more than $600 in one second, but it’s not the amount that matters, but the principle of the thing. Work is work – whether you do it on the golf course, or slugging it out working 14-hour shifts in a hospital caring for all those Coronavirus patients – even if they are mostly just Crisis actors going on Ventilators just to make the president look bad.”

After our 3 martini lunch which we were able to deduct now, I have a new appreciation for the hard work it takes to get up and play golf day after day. Anyone who thinks that government money is just a hand-out should try it!

Saturday, July 25, 2020

Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating Dementia Test For Every Voter

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Determined to show his toughness on preventing voter fraud, Trump today signed a Presidential Executive order mandating that every voter must pass a standard dementia test before being allowed to vote. In his statement, he said, “We simply cannot allow people with dementia to vote in this election. I had no problem passing it – in fact, I scored the highest score ever recorded on it. I’d like to see how Sleepy Joe does. “

To enforce this governors are required to assign doctors at each polling place to administer the test. In the event that a person does not understand English, Google Translate will be used to translate the questions and answers. Only those individuals who score 85% or above will be permitted to vote.

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

Trump signs Executive Order to Defund China

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Trump signed an executive order today to “Defund China”. 
In a rambling statement, he said
 “Biden and the Democrats want to defund everything that American’s hold sacred. They want to defund the Police, they want to defund the Military, they want to defund our latest branch of the Military- the Space Force, they want to defund our churches and our oil industry that has been building that great pipeline through South Dakota until those liberal Court justices shut it down, defund the Wall……
Well today, I am going to defund China! Take that Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden!”

No one in the administration could tell us just what “Defunding China” means.

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Trump Signs Executive Order Invalidating All Indian Treaties

Satirical News Service
Washington DC
After the Supreme Court sided with the Native Americans in Oklahoma in the recent decision, an angry Donald Trump today signed an Executive Order in-validating all previous treaties with Native Americans. In his tweet, Trump announced.

"If I can invalidate a treaty with Chyna, I can invalidate these unfair treaties with Indians, or Native Americans, as they like to refer to themselves as. They are not American’s at all when they fight important pipelines and defy American laws. They should just go back to where they came from. All treaties with them are now NULL and VOID!"

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

President Trump Offers Black People a Pathway to Become White

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a show of deep understanding and benevolent charity, President Trump today signed an Executive Order that sets forth a 10 step pathway to enable Black people to become White Americans. “It goes right to the root of the problem. If there are no more Black people, there will no longer be any need for Police to take such harsh measures while arresting them. They will have the opportunities that have long been denied them while they were Black. They may even be allowed to rise to offices in Republican administrations, just like that black boy we put in our cabinet – whatever-his-name-is", Trump later tweeted.

The precise steps that would be required to become White were not yet laid out. These will be made clear right after Trump has completed the deportation of all undocumented workers and Dreamers from Latin America.

Putin and Kim Jong Un both Offer to Send Troops to US to Put Down Riots

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The White House has revealed that that President Trump has received phone calls from both Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin with offers to send their troops to the US to help him put down the riots that are sweeping through American cities. In his tweet, Trump responded “Boy, It’s always great to know I can count on America’s  true friends like you to help a guy out in a Crisis. Not like those liberal Democrats or wishy-washy Governors.”

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Trump Announces Plan to Draft Seniors to Fight the Corona War

Satirical News Service
Washington DC
For the first time since the Vietnam War, President Trump has announced plans to resume drafting individuals to fight his “War on Corona”. This comes as a result of his frustration that people just aren’t going out and spending money and traveling and shopping like they did before the outbreak even as states are relaxing some restrictions,. As a result, the economy still lags and unemployment keeps going up.
“We need to take some drastic measures to win this war”, Tweeted Trump last night. He is proposing a lottery-style draft, based upon Social Security numbers that apply only to people over the age of 55. When people see these people out and about and NOT getting sick, since these are the people who are thought to be most vulnerable, they will stop worrying and go out and do the same. 

The only people who will be exempt from the Draft are those who are too invalid to move about and those who are already infected and showing signs of the illness. Of course bone spurs will also get you an exemption.

Seniors who are drafted will be given daily doses of hydroxychloroquine and ordered to attend concerts, go to shopping malls, fly on airplanes, and go to crowded restaurants and amusement parks without wearing  any type of PPE or practice social distancing.