FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Trump Vows To Shoot Someone On 5th Avenue If He Doesn’t Get Funding For His Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington DC
 In another bizarre twist to the Wall Funding Saga, Donald Trump today tweeted that he would make good on his campaign statement to “shoot someone on 5th Avenue” if he does not get the 5 billion dollars in funding for his Border Wall. This alludes to a statement he made in 2016 that “ I could go out tomorrow and shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue and my base will still support me…
Trump went on to tweet, "While I am sorry it has to come to this, Our Border Security needs must come first. If someone has to die for me to get it, hopefully, an illegal immigrant or Muslim, well, so be it. I  have no doubt that my base will support me completely and send a message to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Congress that I mean business!”
Mitch McConnell, stated in response to hearing of this tweet “Sometime supreme sacrifices are needed in the pursuit of Freedom….and while I certainly hope it does not come to this, the President knows what he is doing, and I support him.”

John Kelly, the out-going chief-of-staff, could not be found to comment. It is rumored that he is hiding out somewhere in western Virginia,  speaking to lawyers about cutting a plea deal to avoid being implicated in a conspiracy to commit murder charges that might arise.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Trump Names Hillary Clinton to Become His New Chief of Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC
In a move that took all of Washington by complete surprise, Donald Trump today announced that he was naming Hillary Clinton to become his new chief of staff, replacing outgoing John Kelly. In a Press conference, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated “This is a bold move by the president to promote unity between the two parties and mend the animosity that has grown because of the fictitious Russian Meddling that absolutely did not happen. It is hoped that this will put an end to that witch hunt and that both parties can now work together to pass Mr. Trump's agenda.”

Privately however anonymous aides have said that this whole administration is a house of cards ready to collapse at any minute. We need a good scapegoat and Hillary Clinton certainly fills that bill. It worked once before and can work again when we put all the blame on her. Besides she’s a Democrat and everyone already in our party wants to lock her up.

Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

Siri, Google, And Alexa Poll Higher Than Any Other Presidential Candidates

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A recent poll released today showed that  Apple’s “Siri”, Amazon’s “Alexa”, and Google’s “Google” are leading in polls for possible Presidential candidates in the 2020 election. In areas such as “Trustworthiness”, “Free of Corruption”, “deep knowledge” ,“grasp of facts”, “free of prejudice and racism”, and “overall likeability”, all these devices polled more than 30 points higher than any of the suggested Democratic party candidates, and 90 points higher than Donald Trump or any possible Republican contenders. More surprising was the perception that each of these scored higher on the question “free of manipulation” than any of these candidates.

The Committee To Promote AI (Artificial Intelligence) is putting forward a committee aimed at getting them placed on the state primary ballots under Independent candidates. It is unknown if the courts will permit this, but it should be an interesting debate format to see Google, Siri, and Alexa square off before Trump, Sanders, and anyone else who might run in 2020.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

National Xmas Tree to be Decorated with Concertina Barbed Wire

Satirical News Service
Washinton, DC

The White House today released the first pictures of the National Christmas Tree. It is been dyed a garish red color and entirely decorated entirely with strands of concertina barbed wire. The White House issued a statement saying "We feel that this tree represents President's Trump's and his Republican colleagues' true values at this holiday time of year.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Donald Trump Doesn't Rule Out Starting Armageddon if He Doesn't Get His Border Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

President Trump stated to today that he has not ruled out starting Armageddon if he does not get his Border Wall with Mexico." I can't say for certain that it will happen, and I can't say it won't", he went on to say. When pressed about what that meant and how he might plan on causing "Armeggedon", he would not say. He only said that "Yugely bad things might happen if Congress tests my resolve on this."

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Trump Promises Jobs for All laid-off GM workers - Building his Wall

Satirical News Service
Lordstown, Ohio

After receiving news that GM executive has decided to stop producing many of their sedans in their US plants and is planning on laying off more than 15000 workers in US and Canada, Trump promised full employment for all those affected building his proposed border wall with Mexico.
Trump said, "They can even paint their advertisements on it."

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Sibling Rivalry Problems Reported with Multiple AI Devices

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
 First reported in WIRED magazine and now reported in a study in The AI Journal, a new phenomenon is occurring in some households that have multiple AI (Artificial Intelligent) devices such as Alexa, Siri, and Google. Like 2001’s infamous HAL, some of these devices have developed what researchers call “Sibling Rivalry Syndrome”. According to researchers, When people had just one device such as echo dot or Apple iPads that responded intelligently to voice commands, each unit felt dominant in that environment. But like owners who introduce new pets into their environment, they began to respond in strange ways. These can take the form of what in humans we’d call sibling rivalry and can become quite aggressive at times. In one example homeowners who had hooked up multiple devices to turn on lights, appliances and control temperature reported that they would often come home to find lights flashing, garage doors going up and down repeatedly, doorbells ringing in the middle of the night, and house temperatures going spontaneously from freezing to desert heat. In one case one particular device seemed to develop a liking for country music, but the other device did not. In the middle of a song, it would spontaneously switch to a different music source. This would go on repeatedly without any further voice input. The same thing happened with multiple voice devices in control of a Smart TV. The channel would spontaneously change from a football game to The Lifetime Channel – sometimes right in the middle of a critical play. Another even more bizarre incident occurred when an owner asked Siri a question. Instead of the expected answer, the device responded with a surly “Why don’t you ask Google that. I bet he won’t have the answer. “

While these poltergeist-like events appear rare right now, it is conceivable that they could become more common and perhaps in extreme cases, possibly harmful to owners. Researchers are studying the phenomena closely but recommend not introducing too many of these devices into a household at one time, and use an approach like introducing a new pet and gradually have them talk to one another and designate specific tasks to each one to avoid conflicts. If problems develop professional intervention might be required.