FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Spell Checker Changes All Instances Of Collusion To Collision In Mueller Report

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort of complete the report on time, Mueller’s staff ran it through Windows’ Spell Checker, and only later discovered to their horror that it had changed every instance of the word “Collusion” to “Collision”. The President’s chief defense counsel stated that it confirmed that there was absolutely no Collusion mentioned anywhere in the report. Apparently, the Spell checker also changed the word “Conspiracy" to "Controversy“, and for some strange and unexplained reason, it also changed the phrase “We therefore conclude that an indictment should be sought against Donald Trump” to phrase “We therefore conclude that an indictment should be sought against Hillary Clinton”. Staffers from Mueller’s office were aghast that such an egregious error had happened, but they speculate that it might have had something to do with the technicians who were fiddling with Mueller’s computer last week who had very strange foreign accents.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Trump Readies Millions of Paper Towel Rolls to Go to Midwest Flood Victims

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Trump administration today announced that it was readying a shipment of more than a million rolls of paper towels to be thrown out to the recent victims of the floods that are ravaging the Midwest right now. In a recent Tweet, Trump proclaimed “This is the best solution we can offer these poor victims of the flooding right now. Unfortunately the levee projects that might have mitigated or prevented those  and future floods will have to wait since the funds that were allocated to the Army Corp of Engineers has to be redirected to build my urgently needed Border Wall.”

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Trump insists There Was No Collusion Between Lion Air and Ethiopian Jets

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a hastily convened press conference President Trump Announced that despite the FAA’s decision to ground  the US fleet of 737-Max airplanes, he insisted  emphatically that “there was no collusion between the two jets- none at all.” He went on to state “while there may be some similarities, like both jets suddenly nose-diving into the ground after take-off, I can assure you that there was no collusion between those two jets or any other jets. This whole thing is just a witch hunt to take the focus away from my urgently needed wall, which by the way would have prevented those unfortunate people from flying on those jets in the first place.”

Thursday, February 28, 2019

Kim Abruptly Cancels Summit So He Can Watch Cohen Hearings

Satirical News Service
Hanoi, Vietnam

Kim Jong Un abruptly canceled any further meeting with Trump in Hanoi, ostensibly because Trump wouldn’t end sanctions, but the real reason sources close to Kim report was that Kim wanted to watch the full Senate hearings with Cohen without interruption. Aides close to Kim reported that he frequently took long breaks during yesterday’s negotiations, presumably to smoke cigarettes, but the real reason was to sneak off and watch the Live TV coverage of  Senate hearing with Cohen. Kim was reported to be laughing uproariously throughout testimony and remarking was a “Putz” Trump was. Kim then tweeted that “Trump should have sent his Fixer, Cohen to Hanoi instead of coming himself".  Aides reported that everyone got a huge laugh out of that. They went on to say, “We can’t wait for the Mueller report and the impeachment hearing to follow it.”

Monday, February 25, 2019

Trump Formally Surrenders to North Korea

Satirical News Service
Hanoi, Vietnam

Stating he was finally ending this tragic Korean War – started by a Democratic President Truman – he was finally going to bring peace and prosperity to the Korean People. In a meandering speech before news reports Trump declared,
“The Korean War is Over. I have ended it once and for all to benefit all the Korean people and bring peace to the region.  After receiving assurances that Kim Jong Un will no longer pursue nuclear weapons I am lifting all sanctions against North Korea and granting them full recognition as a sovereign state entitled to pursue their own important defense needs. Over the next year, I will plan to withdraw all troops from the region, and suspend all new arms shipments to South Korea.

This entire tragedy is the result of an over-reaching Democratic President – President Truman, and now I am going to end it. I hope you are listening there in Oslo – or Stockholm –  or whatever."

NTSB Frantically Calling ALEXA to Find Out Why AMAZON AIR Crashed

Satirical News Service
Houston, TX

NTSB investigators are combing through the Trinity River mudflats today calling out for ALEXA to give them the reason for today's deadly crash today.
According to the NTSB ALEXA was controlling the plane when it suddenly took a nose dive. The recordings seem to indicate some sort of communications problem. The last message from ALEXA was
"I seem to be having difficulty connecting right now. Please try again later"

Moments later the plane crashed into the bay.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Patriots’ Owner Robert Kraft Blames UBER App for Making him Solicit Prostitutes

Satirical News Service
Jupiter, Florida

After being videotaped twice in a sex act at a Jupiter, Florida massage parlor The 77-year-old Kraft denied any wrongdoing. Instead, he claimed that “The Uber APP on his iPhone forced him to do it.” He went on to state that “The Uber APP took over my mind and the next thing I knew I was having sex with a prostitute in Jupiter, Florida. People need to be warned about these apps, but as for me, I’m innocent.”