FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Monday, October 16, 2017

Doctors Mystified By Large Growth on President Trump's Nose

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital were mystified by a strange protruding growth at the end of Donald Trump’s Nose. Sources from the hospital report that the symptoms began some time ago, but now are growing at a tremendous rate; sometimes inches in a single day. No possible explanation has been given for this condition, but so far it does not seem to affect President Trump’s work.

Forest Service No Longer Will Fight Fires – Only offer Hopes and Prayers

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Despite the fact that the fires in Northern California are only 50% contained, the USFS announced today that from now on it will no longer fight forest fires. Instead they will collectively offer their thoughts and prayers to the victims. “This is not the time to be talking about fighting raging forest fires”, stated the head of the Forest Service. "Let’s face forest fires are just a fact of life. Trying to fight them just doesn’t work. Once you put out one fire, another just plops in its place. Now is not the time to be talking about prevention either. We’ve all seen that forest fire prevention just doesn’t work. We've had stricter and stricter regulations and we still have forest fires, at the cost of good high paying lumber and forestry jobs, and housing development. It’s time for America to wake up to the fact that from time to time things are just going to burn out of control, and they just have to live with it. We will, however, offer our thoughts and prayers to all the victims”

Saturday, October 14, 2017

The President of the Virgin Islands Sends Trump 10 Virgins to Thank Him

Satirical News Service
US Virgin Islands

The President of the US Virgin Islands today sent Donald Trump 10 young virgins as a thank you for his efforts in their clean up lessons. "I hope you make good use of these", the President stated in his thank you message. "Maybe Puerto Rico would do better if they sent a similar gift to you Great President", the message continued.

Friday, October 6, 2017

NRA Comes Out in Support of Limiting the Number of People a Person Can kill

Satirical News Service 
Washington DC 

In an amazing about face, Wayne LaPierre, head if the NRA said today it would be in favor of some limitation on the number of people someone can kill in a mass shooting. 
In a press statement, he stated “We feel that the recent incident in Las Vegas has shown the need for responsible legislation to control what has become an ever-escalating carnage. We therefore endorse legislation that limits the number of people a deranged gunman can kill to 50. However, this limit only applies to people actually killed and not merely maimed. Also this applies only to each single incidence, and self inflicted guns shots will not be counted in the total. 

Republicans hailed this as a huge step forward in legislating sensible gun control without actually controlling access to guns.  Trump tweeted "This will save many lives".

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Las Vegas Shooter Appear To Have Been Radicalized and Inspired to Do Massacre

Satirical New Service
Washington, DC

It now appears that the Las Vegas Shooter may have had ties to a radical group led by a mysterious man named Don Al Trumpa. In addition for calling on his entire base of followers to purchase guns, he also issued an edict that may have inspired the killer. Authorities have uncovered this in a broadcast to his followers back in 2016. In it he stated “…..I could walk out on 5th Avenue a shoot people and my supporters would still love me!” It now appears that the gunman took these words to mean go out into a crowd of people and start shooting and in return he would receive the eternal love of the people who support Don Al Trumpa. Based on this new information it now appears quite clear that a terrorist group played a large role in this massacre.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Kim Jong Un says his "Right to bear Nuclear Weapons is guaranteed in US Constitution"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, PKK

Kim Jong Un came out with a statement today saying that he has every right to bear and test nuclear missiles as guaranteed under the Second Amendment of the US Constitution. He also stated he liked it so much he added to their own constitution with the slight addition that only he had that right.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Trump Close to Completing His Goal of Alienating Everyone on the Planet

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump today completed a new milestone toward his goal to piss-off the entire population of  the planet. In a new tweet, he attacked pet owners calling them losers and parasites. In doing so he alienated one of the largest groups of people in America, who now join athletes, anyone in the arts, environmentalists, Hispanics, Muslims, and a whole host of others. About the only people left who he still counts as his supporters are coal miners and NASCAR enthusiasts. He hopes to piss-off them as well early in 2018 to complete his goal of alienating the world against him.