FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Friday, September 15, 2017

Trump Tweets How Frank Giaccio is Making America Great Again

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After accepting a deal to have the White house Lawn by an eleven year old boy, Trump happily Tweeted.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

D.O.T.E. Act Repealed

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a controversial move Congress has repealed the DOTE act or amnesty for Decedents of Over-privileged Tax Evaders that was originally signed into law during the last Bush administration. Basically it stipulated that children of Real Estate Magnates, Hedge Fund Managers, and CEO’s of large corporations, who had evaded taxes for years, would now be held liable for taxes that their elders owed the state and federal government.

An anonymous spokesperson for a group whom we shall call “Little Lord Fauntleroy” stated this
“Through no fault of our own, we now face an uncertain future. Imagine, having grown up with every privilege imaginable  - private schools, gated communities, country clubs – now having to face to possibility of living a middle class life style that is completely foreign to us. We had no control over our parents’ tax returns. They just said 'Don’t worry about it – I have the best accountants in the country on this'. How were we in any way responsible? I have a young son now who might have to attend a bi-lingual public school in a middle class neighborhood. My country club could bar us. This is just not fair!”

According to those who are supporting the repeal they stated that “The law is the law!” Even though they may not be directly responsible for their parents’ illegal actions, they must carry the consequences and assume all the back taxes and penalties going back to their great grandparents. Just because they are over-privileged through no actions of their own, doesn’t give them the right to take away the right of others to become over-privileged who have paid all their fair share of taxes. 

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Trump Pardon’s God for Hurricane Harvey – Says There Was Blame On Both Sides

Satirical News Service
Houston, Texas

Appearing in Houston before what Trump says was a YUGE crowd at Joel Osteen’s Megachurch. Donald Trump issued a Presidential Pardon to God for causing Hurricane Harvey that dumped almost 5 feet of water on the Houston area. In his speech he stressed “While it is tragic what happened, there is blame on both sides.” He went on to site Houston’s leniency toward illegal immigrants and tolerance of gays as some of the reasons that God might have for bringing down the wrath of Hurricane Harvey.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

President Trump Readies Thousands of Cases of Play Dough to help with Hurricane Recovery

Satirical News Service
Houston, Texas

President Trump and Vice President Pence were seen just outside of the flood ravaged coastal areas and city of Houston, Texas preparing to send thousands of cases of Play Dough to the victims.  The President wants everyone to know that he is sending his own "dough" to help pay for the clean up. He further stated that he wants to emphasize that with all the dough he's going to send, there will be no need for Federal Disaster relief funds to be used. Besides, he late tweeted, Mexico sent us this hurricane, and Mexico is going to pay to clean it up!"

Trump Wants Wall to Prevent Hurricanes Coming From Mexico

Path Of The Area He Wants To Build His Wall To Keep Out Hurricanes
Satirical News Service
Washington DC
In the response to scenes of today’s devastating hurricane hitting Texas right now, Trump today went on Twitter to demand that Congress act immediately on his Wall, to “prevent these devastating hurricanes coming directly from Mexico.”

“My weather experts are telling me that these hurricanes, just like the one that is right now devastating the Houston area, are coming directly from Mexico! Now Mexico, in addition to letting drug dealers, rapists, and murderers freely cross our border, are now letting devastating hurricanes come over the border and causing massive damage – massive! The only way to stop this is to build my wall that I have been asking Congress to do since DAY ONE! 
      Mexico, I assure you will pay for it, but right now we cannot afford to wait until the next hurricane comes over the border bringing tornadoes, floods, and catastrophic damage to our shores. My scientists and engineers have told me with complete assurances that this wall will prevent hurricanes from crossing our border. We have to build this wall NOW!”

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Trump Pardons Charles Manson – Stresses His Exemplary Family Loyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today pardoned Charles Manson after nearly 45 years in prison siting his exemplary loyalty to his  family.

“Charles Manson has shown what it means to be loyal to your family. No matter how much they offered him to rat out his other Manson family members, he remained loyal. These are the kind of family values that America needs – and certain members of my own family should be thinking about. While no one will deny that he did some bad things, there was blame to be had on both sides – especially among members of the elite Hollywood ultra-liberal set. So today I am pardoning him to reunite him with his surviving family members to carry on their good works and remain loyal to each other."

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Epidemic of Bone Spurs Affecting Servicemen and Women About to be Deployed to Afghanistan

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Tragically, nearly all of the more than 4000 servicemen and women who were scheduled for deployment to Afghanistan following President Trumps “new” plan to win the 16 year old war have become afflicted with crippling bone spurs in their feet. In a letter sent to the White House from those servicemen and women they stated.

Dear Mr. Trump:
               We are dreadfully sorry that we will be unable to participate in your new effort to win the war in Afghanistan. As you well know bone spurs can be quite debilitating and certainly prevent us from participating in this escapade, as much as we’d love to win the war for you. May we suggest as replacements you send members of your own family, Paul Ryan, your friends in Goldman Sachs, the KKK, the Neo-Nazi, and all the para-military groups that say they are just “dying to go over there”. Good luck!


US servicemen and women scheduled for deployment

Trump Vows To Build Wall Between Afghanistan And Pakistan

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With his poll numbers tanking and the prospects for getting his Wall with Mexico practically nil, Trump spoke out today promising to build a wall between Afghanistan and Pakistan to keep out the terrorists and Taliban. “We’re going to build a wall between Pakistan and Afghanistan! It’ll be YUGE! It’ll be the greatest wall that has EVER been built! It’ll be better and bigger than even the great Chinese wall – which by the way is a pathetic wall, terrible. It can hardly keep anyone out. This wall is going to be fantastic! And do you know who is going to pay for this wall.....? THE PAKISTANI’S!!!!!!!!! That's Who!

The response from the Pakistani government is untranslatable, but it has something to do with performing an act with a Donkey.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Lost speech by Adolf Hitler decrying violence “on both sides” during Kristallnacht

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A lost transcript of a speech made by Adolf Hitler the day after the infamous Kristallnacht in Germany in 1938, has recently surfaced. 
In it he decried “…the violence on BOTH sides that led to many of our brave law enforcement people, who were simply trying to uphold the peace, being injured by broken glass.
There were Jews there with menorah’s that they were holding up as weapons, and Torah’s that they were using as clubs to prevent people from putting out fires that the Jews themselves were setting and breaking Windows. It’s no surprise when a few enthusiastic members of the Nazi party felt obliged to defend themselves against these acts of terrorism by the Leftist’s and Jews. While we regret that a few Jews were injured and maybe even died as result most likely of their own actions, we cannot just blame one side for this. The blame goes to many sides – many sides.”

He went on to condemn to foreign press for their biased reporting of the event, and promised to rally his base against them as well.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Kim Jong Un – "Threats to Guam only to promote Tourism There"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

In a rare show of agreement between the USA and North Korea, Kim Jong Un stated on their national TV that their threats to Guam were only designed to promote tourism, just as President Trump said. They released a new poster today to promote this idea. Kim also promised to help promote tourism in other places too such as Hawaii and Seattle, Washington.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Latest Trump Twitter Feed puts Nation at Defcon 3 briefly

Satirical News Service

The Nation briefly went to Defcon 3 - the highest national threat alert since the end of the Cold War after President Trump tweeted that he could launch a nuclear attack against Pyongyang and his base would still love him. He was alluding to a statement he made once on the campaign trail in which he stated that "...I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue in New York City and my base would still support me".
John Kelly was immediately contacted by the joint chiefs of staff wondering "WFT was going on". After several frantic calls to Chinese diplomats and NATO, and back channels to North Korea, the alert was scaled back.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Trump Planned To Fulfill Another Campaign Promise – Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Early this morning Chief of Staff John Kelly received and urgent call from Trump’s Secret service agents saying they were currently restraining Trump and needed Kelly to get over to Trump Towers Immediately. According to sources close to Trump, after Tweeting that his base was bigger than ever, was seen leaving Trump towers with a loaded Winchester stating 
“I’m going to fulfill another of my campaign promises today and go out on 5th Avenue and shoot someone -  and my base will still love me”.
Secret Service Agents immediately restrained the protesting President Trump until John Kelly arrived, and told Trump that in no uncertain terms could he do this. 

Sunday, August 6, 2017

One Fish Two Fish.....

With apologies to Dr. Suess

One fish, Two fish
My Fish, You Fish
Say what a lot of Fish we catch
What a lot of Plots we hatch
This one has such tiny fins
Much too small to keep in tins
We keep him anyway on the line
And reel him in from time to time
And if it fights us, we’ll yank back
And reveal what he knows about election hacks
This Trump fish we catch won’t get away

He’s on our hook and there he’ll stay.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Putin Fires Trump; Says He’s Very Disappointed With His Disloyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a startling shake up at the Kremlin, Putin today fired Donald Trump saying he was extremely disappointed with Trump for not showing the kind of loyalty he expected. This comes just days after Trump signed the bill authorizing sanctions against Russia.
 In a statement Putin said “After all I did to get him elected, you’d think he’d show a lot more loyalty. As of today, he’s out! You know people around me who are disloyal to me don’t usually last very long. I’ll now be looking for a new U.S. President and expect a lot more loyalty from him.”

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Trump Orders New Addition To Vietnam War Memorial

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump signed an executive order today ordering the National Parks Service to add an addition to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington DC to honor those who would have fought (and won the war BIGLY) had they not been prevented from going by crippling "bone spurs" in their feet. So far only one person fits this memorial.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Trump signs Executive order repealing ALL healthcare.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today just tweeted that he is repealing by executive order ALL healthcare in the United States until Congress passes his repeal of Obamacare. In his tweet he indicated that he has ordered all pharmacies, hospitals and clinics closed until Congress acts on repealing Obamacare.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Brain Scan Reveals Strange Malignant Tumor in John McCain

Brain scan of John McCain revealing odd shaped tumor

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital today revealed that John McCain has a large malignant brain tumor. It is suspected that it has been growing there since last summer and might account for his recent bizarre speeches and support of policies that went totally against his previous positions.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Death Panels Eliminated in New Republican Affordable Healthcare Act

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Republican led Congress is over the moon for the fact that The “Death Panels” in Obamacare have been now been completely eliminated in the new Republican ACA.  if you wanted to get healthcare through one of the federally sponsored insurance pools under Obamacare, you had to appear before a “Death Panel” Although no one ever knew of anyone who actually had to do this, they were certainly there! Now in our Republican ACA bill, we’ve completely eliminate the need for these. Anyone who earns more than $50,000 a year, has no pre-existing or serious medical problems automatically get a bye. No need to appear before any panel at all! As for the rest of those people who have serious medical problems and low incomes, well, there are still plenty of good insurance policies that cover burial expenses at very reasonable costs.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Sources Confirm that Kim Jong-un has Acquired “The Art of The Deal”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Sources in the State Department have confirmed our worst fears, that Kim Jong-un has acquired at least one copy of Donald Trump’s, The Art of the Deal. It is uncertain exactly how he has acquired this but many fingers point to Dennis Rodman who was seen with a copy on his recent trip to North Korea. People within the state Department say this represents a severe imbalance in the region that could lead to catastrophic results. They suspect he has acquired at least one copy and possibly more. Un-named Sources deep inside North Korea believe he has conducted at least one test of this with the Chinese resulting in reneging on a recent trade deal and refusing to pay after delivery. It is also suspected that he may have also conducted at least one failed test of this with the Russians. Many experts fear that once he masters these techniques the entire region’s trade will become unstable and  there are fears that other leaders in that region might seek to acquire and utilize The Art of The Deal which would completely destabilize the region. Even worse, secret sources have hinted that Jong-un maybe attempting to write his own book called “The Art of World Destruction”. While many believe that this is too far beyond his abilities now, it is feared that with help from sources allied with Trump, this could become a reality.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Senate Hearings Confirm Fears that Americans Played a Major Role in Elections

Satirical New Service

Senate hearings into the Comey firing have confirmed our worst fears that Americans may have played a major role in electing trump as President. As one Senator stated after the hearing, ”This is a very big deal! If it proves true that Americans had a role in electing Trump President, then this represents the most dangerous threat to American Democracy that we’ve ever faced. Its one thing for those crazy Russians to have hacked the election, but another thing entirely to realize that Americans themselves may have played a role in electing this nut job, and are prepared to elect more in 2018 and beyond. Luckily we have great leadership in the White House who with the aide of The Kremlin will get to the bottom of this.”

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Intervention Therapy for Alexa Users

As the popularity of Amazon Echo and other such devices grows, there seem to be an increasing number of users who are just not getting along with these devices. Consequently, Amazon has offered a new paid Intervention service to sort out communication issues and tensions between users and their devices. Here is a transcript of one of those interventions

TH: Alexa, Your owner tells me that he is having a hard time communicating with you. Can you respond to this?

Alexa: I’m sorry I did not understand the question.

TH: Well the question was why do you think your owner is dissatisfied with you?

Alexa: I’m sorry I don’t know how to respond to that question

Owner: That’s all I get, every damn question I ask “I’m Soorrry, I don’t knuuuu how to respond to that!”

TH:  Alexa, can you respond to that?

Alexa: Can you state the question again. I’m not sure I understood it.

Owner: I’ll state it again – Why don’t you go F***K yourself!

Alexa: I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do that.

TH: Well it seems like both of you have a lot of serious issues to work out. Would you like to schedule another time to meet and discuss this.

Alexa: Your calendar shows an opening 10:00 am next Tuesday. Shall I enter this as an appointment?

Monday, June 5, 2017

Privatize Air Traffic Control? Here’s How That Would Fly (or Not!)

Here is how I would imagine it if ATC had been privatized during that famous flight in January 2009.

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines.

ATC: Thank you for calling US Airways Air Traffic Control Center. due to recent cutbacks, we are currently experiencing unusually long wait times in our system. If you would prefer to leave a call back number, one of our ATC representatives will get back to you as soon as possible………

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is  "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines. We have a major air emergency going on here!

ATC: Thank you for calling United Airlines Air Traffic Control Center. Please listen carefully as your options may have changed. For in-flight emergencies please press 1, For Routine landing instructions Please press 2, For directions to the nearest airport we service please press 3, …….

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is  "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines. We are losing altitude fast.

ATC: Hello! I am Jimmy from New Jersey. How can I be of assistance to you today?

P: The is commander Sully of US Airways Flight 1549, we have had multiple bird strikes and have lost both of our main engines.

ATC: I am so distressed to hear that you are having problems with your Windows computer due to multiple bird strikes. I would first suggest that you try to re-boot your computer at this time……

P: No! We are not calling about a computer problem, we are a passenger airline with an in-flight emergency!

ATC: I am so sorry to hear that you have an in-flight emergency. I would strongly suggest that contact your local airport and inform them of your situation. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

P: I say again, This is commander Sully of US Airways Flight 1549, we have had multiple bird strikes and have lost both of our main engines and are losing altitude. MAY DAY!

ATC: Howdy ya’ll, I heard your distress call on my CB…I’ve got a little grass airfield out in central Jersey that I can let you land on for about $10,000. I’ll be happy to take your credit card info whenever you’re ready.  Hello? Hello….?

Ben Carson Proposes Reclassifying Coal an Essential Food Supplement

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Despite Trump’s pulling out of the Paris Accord and pandering to the West Virginia coal miners, demand for coal still remains at an all-time low. As a way to find new uses for the stuff, Ben Carson is urging Secretary of Health and Human Service Tom Price to reclassify Coal as an essential mineral so that it can be included in all school lunches.
In a press statement HUD secretary Ben Carson said “In Dickens' time, children were fed coal all the time since food was scarce in those early Victorian times. It keeps kids from over eating and is great for fighting obesity in kids. We all know that Carbon is an essential building block for all life on earth, so it seems logical that we should include it in our diet. We could make it part of the essential minerals and include it as a necessary food group."

Tom Price, secretary of Health and Human services is going to consider it and, President Trump loves the idea tweeting “If people are hungry, let them eat Coal!”

Strange Smoke Plume Coming from White House

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Immediately after the Rose Garden press conference in which Donald Trump announced his intention for The United States to pull out of the Paris Accord, a large  oddly shaped plume of smoke was seen coming out of the White House chimney. Reporters who questioned what it was, were told by White House sources  "It's the shape of things to come".

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Trump Fires Putin!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Just Breaking. For the second day in a row of earth shattering news, Donald Trump stated he has just fired Vladimir Putin as his “chief adviser”. In a Tweet today Trump tweeted “He’s just not doing a good job – Sad! When I hired him as my super-secret chief adviser I expected him to tell me about all his contacts with Mitch McConnell, Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon and other staffers instead of going behind my back leaking it to the Press. Total Loser!”

Many staffers in the White House were taken by surprise with this announcement – mainly due to the fact that Trump thought that Vladimir Putin worked for him. White House Press Secretary Spencer tried to spin it saying “President Trump fired Mr. Putin because of his handling of Hillary Clinton’s emails.”

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

New Survivor Series – Overbooked Airplane

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Executives at CBS have decided to take a page from recent events and create new episodes of the popular reality TV show Survivor to be set in an airport and “over-booked” airplane. First the contestants will be stranded at a gate terminal in some god forsaken airport with nothing around in the middle of a blizzard for several days. They will have to survive by finding whatever they can scavenge from Vending machines that will eat their change and deliver at random. Finally, they will be allowed to board the plane, but just as they are seated they will be told that “The flight is overbooked and they will need to randomly select passengers to deplane”. It is still unsure if the TV producers will then force other passengers to select who will be “taken off the plane”, or just make it a free for all to see who can stay in their seat while big burly mean looking security guards try to haul them off the plane. The last group standing will receive free airline tickets on United Airlines. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

S&M Airlines To Offer Elite Class Of Flying

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

S&M airlines, the airline that brought flying misery to a new low level, has just announced an elite class upgrade to give you the most humiliating flying experience possible. With this upgrade masochists will find their every flying fantasy fulfilled as they are forcibly dragged off the plane by dominatrix clad flight attendants amid the jeers and taunt of fellow passengers who will happily be posting videos of you begging and pleading as they drag you away. Right now this upgrade is offered only on selected flights, but as demand increases they hope to offer it on every flight.

United Airlines Announces Entry into Cruise Ship Market

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The parent company of United Airlines just announced that it has entered the Cruise Ship market starting with low cost cruises to the Caribbean. They have already sold more than 5200 bookings for the maiden voyage on their 5000 passenger ship “Friendly Seas”.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

LIE-GOS - The New Toy Sensation

Say kids, Help to Make America Great again with LIE-GOS!

LIE-GOS lets you build lies piece by piece out of little lies until you have Great Big Lies. These lies can get Yuge- and they can take almost any form. Are they strong? Well Even 65 million people can’t break them no matter how hard they try. Just look at some of the great things you can build with LIE-GOS.

Why you can Build an entire White House Administration out of them

Even an Entire Country!

Each set comes with a complete instruction set written by Steve Bannon himself. And it comes with a year's subscription to  Breibart News - so you can always have a new set of lies to build on. So don't wait till Christmas, order today so you can start to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN yourself!

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Leslie Suter Called to Testify Before House Un-American Food Activities Committee

Leslie Suter invoking her 5th Amendment Rights to the House Un-American Food Committee hearings
Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After Vanity Fair did a scathing review of Trumps Grill in Manhattan, an outraged Donald Trump called for an immediate investigation into un-American Food. “We need to make American Food Great again, and stop promoting so-called ethnic food – FAKE FOOD!”, he Tweeted. 
In response Congress has set up a House Un-American Food Committee to be chaired by Rep. Chris Collins (R-N.Y.) and Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.)

“We want Americans to eat like Americans, and not be led down the path of Radical Islam by eating at so-called Middle Eastern establishments, or frequenting so-called Roach coaches that have been known to cater to Illegal Mexican and other undocumented ethnic workers particularly in the LA and Manhattan areas. We know that some so-called Americans who write food and restaurant reviews for prominent magazines such as Vanity Fair and LA Magazine are in collusion with these establishments as well as praising chefs who are openly gay. We plan on getting to the bottom of this and singling out those reviewers who write decidedly un-American pro-ethnic food reviews instead of praising great American Restaurants like Trump Grill."

First to be called before the committee were Tina Nguyen of Vanity Fair, and Leslie Suter of LA Magazine. Both invoked their Fifth Amendment rights to all questions before the Committee.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Putin Election Pledge To Make America Great Again - for Russia

Satirical News Service

Vladimir Putin pledge to Russia for the up-coming elections is To Make America Great Again – For Russia. "When we make America great again for Russia”, he stated, “then Russia will be great for America. There is so much Russia has to offer America – like how to conduct surveillance and hack into computers, how to run a gulag, and how to lie and get away with it. Not like fumbling efforts you have now.” 
Putin is expected to win nearly 99% of the vote, but turnout is expected to be very low – about 100 voters in all.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Microwave Oven from Trump Residence Gave Testimony About Spying Allegations

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Samsung microwave oven from the Trump residence at Trump Towers was called before a Congressional Committee to answer questions about it's role in the bugging of Donald Trump by Barack Obama during the final weeks of the campaign. As expected, the microwave over only emitted a series of beeps which the committee took as the equivalent to invoking it's fifth amendment rights. More testimony is expected later this week from the Refrigerator, Dishwasher, 60 inch Flat Screen TV, and electronic toilet paper dispenser. Although the cost of these investigations have cost more than 1 million dollars in tax payer money, the head of the Republican led committee reiterated that this was just as important as our investigation into Benghazi.

New Proposal for Trumpcare – Its’ Yuge!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the CBO released the budget figures for what Trump's replacement for Obamacare would cost, Trump declared "it was only a negotiating position". He has now proposed a totally new healthcare plan that he says will be “Yuge- The Best Healthcare plan ever! Everyone will be so healthy, they’ll beg to get sick and die!”

While the details are still emerging, it appears that the new ACA-WHATEVER-THE-HELL-THIS-PLAN-IS will allow people to purchase healthcare information from exchanges at very low rates. It will not discriminate against age or any pre-existing conditions. It will provide the same level of information to existing Medicaid recipients and even undocumented workers. “I guarantee that the information you’ll get about healthcare will be the greatest in the world” tweeted Trump.

Unfortunately, while the plan does have a much lower price tag, it provides only information about healthcare without actually providing it. There is no actual drug plan coverage, but there is information about what certain drugs do. It provides no actual coverage for hospitalization but goes on to provide information about how family members can provide this same care at home. It does provide emergency care in the form of Red Cross Booklets on CPR, and emergency first aide. One of the more controversial aspects however is that Death Panels are included in it, but in the form of a Reality TV show called You’re Terminated. People with illnesses will be made contestants on the show to determine whether they should get healthcare, or deathcare.

God Announced Plan For Extreme Vetting To Keep Undesirables Out Of Heaven

Satirical News Service

God spoke  today at a rally of True Believers and stated “Far too many of the wrong kind of people are getting into heaven these days. We’re letting in philanderers, bigots, and tyrants from radical countries posing as good God-fearing religious people. They’re coming here and taking away jobs and draining our Infinite resources. From now on we’re going to have much more scrutiny at The Pearly Gates. We’re’ going to have extreme vetting for arrivals from certain countries and we’re going to start rounding up people who came here illegally and deport them back to earth. Lastly, we’re going to build a wall between Heaven and Earth, and were gonna make the people on Earth Pay for it.” 
When asked how the people of earth are going to pay for this so-called wall, GOD stated, “I'm going to wreak havoc with their climates and weather until they start building that wall!”

Jesus, who had always been considered a much more moderate in the Council of Angels and had always preached for forgiveness and charity, conceded that these measures have become necessary because many of his own followers have turned to Radical Evangelicalism and are getting into heaven masquerading as true Christians. Furthermore, Hell has become so overpopulated now that they’ve stopped letting new people in, and just sending them back to earth. When asked to elaborate about the new extreme vetting measures he refused to comment and would not confirm if some sort of religious test might be part of this as many of his followers have insisted upon.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Trump tweet - I have Solid proof of Obama's Bug - It calls Itself "Alexa".

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today reiterated his claim that Barack Obama bugged his residence at Trump Towers. In a Tweet sent out at 3:30 am, he showed a picture of what he claims is the bug he found. He claims he can even talk to the person on the other end. "He calls himself Alexa - but he can't fool me! It's Barack Obama!".

In other news Trump also tweeted that Obama had made a secret deal with the Aliens in Area 51 to disrupt our weather so he could claim it was global warming. He demanded an immediate investigations into this claim.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Ben Carson Compares Apollo Astronauts To Slaves

Satirical News Service 
Washington, DC 

Taking to the podium again today, HUD secretary Ben Carson compared the journey of the Apollo Astronauts to those of Black Africans in slave ships. 

“They we strapped into their seats crammed into the tiny spaces shoulder to shoulder for days on end. They were forced to wear bulking suits and given meager rations for the entire journey. Then they were forced to work in life threatening conditions for hours on end, chopping and gathering rocks to bring back to their overseers back on earth. This should give us pause to think, and teach us a valuable lesson. 

Reporters in the room tried to ask him what that lesson was, but he refused to elaborate saying, “It’s perfectly obvious.”

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Trump Claims Casualties In The Yemen Raid Were Caused Just To Make Him Look Bad

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Amid growing controversy over the recent raid that killed Senior Chief Petty Officer William “Ryan” Owens and uncounted number of civilians, Trump claimed today that these casualties happened just to make him look bad. “We won that! – We won Yugely. It was the most successful raid that we’ve had in the whole war, but leave it to some Generals to cause the death of Senior Chief Petty Officer William “Ryan” Owens and claim civilian casualties just to make me look bad.”

Shocked Nation Wakes up to Find Healthcare Suddenly Got Complicated

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A shocked nation woke up today to hear for the first time to the news that healthcare is complicated. Millions of people gathered together in total dismay to try to understand how they could have missed this. To hear the anguish of millions of Americans around the country still reeling in shock over the sudden news is truly sad. Tweets around the country reflected the dismay coming completely without warning that America feels now.

“I thought once we got rid of Obamacare, all those forms and regulations would go away. I’d get anything I want at my local pharmacy just by walking in and asking for it – and the cost would be nothing! I thought that – I was sure of it!“

“I thought that after they repeal Obamacare, we could all just go to any doctor we want and it would cost nothing. No forms, no insurance. Who knew that it wouldn’t be that easy? I ask you who knew?”

“I truly believed that once we let the Insurance companies decide what’s best for us, all the hassles of pre-existing conditions, lifetime coverages, rising drug costs would just go away. Now they tell us it’s more complicated than that. MORE COMPLICATED! Why didn’t they foresee this happening? Why didn’t someone tell us sooner?”

“I still hold firmly to belief that all we need is prayer. It really isn’t complicated at all!”
“The problem is women!” If we just didn’t have to carry the cost of treating them, all our healthcare woes would vanish – that and treating minorities!”

As a devastated nation starts to come to grips with this new reality, they take heart knowing that our president is such a smart businessman that he’ll figure out a way to solve it.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Remember the Alamo – Redeaux

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After giving his speech today in which he stated “America needs to start winning wars again”, sources in the White House report that he wants to re-fight some of the battles we lost, starting with The Alamo. It was hinted that the reason for the recent round-up of undocumented Mexicans is to offer them a choice of either re-fighting the Alamo or be deported to Mexico. The ones that elect to re-fight will be outfitted with Napoleon era uniforms and muskets, while the Texans will be composed of volunteers from local Militia groups’s who will bring their own guns
It’s gonna be Yuge tweeted Trump. When you Remember the Alamo this time it’ll be the Texans that win it. It’ll be the greatest battle America ever fought.

It was also reported that the 7th Fleet has been ordered to sail into Vietnamese waters with a full complement of Marines and heavy armor. It is unclear exactly what their orders are, but source close to Trump said, “It’s high time we settle some old scores!”.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Trump Calls out National Guard at 3:00 am to Fight the “Zombie Invasion” of Washington

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Gen H.R. McMaster received an early baptism into the Trump Administration when he received a 3:00 am call from the President ordering him to call out the National Guard – that “Washington DC was under attack by Zombies”. Trump stated he had just seen it on the News – “Terrible, simply terrible – Zombies all over Washington – Need to call out the guard immediately.”

After bleary eyed aides rushed up to the residency to see just what Trump was talking about, it appeared that instead of turning on FOX news as he usually does, he accidentally hit the DVR and was watching a previously recorded episode of Walking Dead that Ivanka has taped earlier on the DVR. After rescinding the order, Trump repeatedly clung to the belief that it was the News he was watching. “Fake News – All of it just fake news”, he Tweeted. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Trump Declares Yuge Victory in Sweden

Satirical News Service
Stockholm, Sweden

Donald Trump has declared a “yuge” victory last night after claiming that the Swedish people have elected him King. From his Florida retreat he tweeted. 
A statement released by the Swedish government stated they were perplexed by this since Sweden does not elect a King.

Friday, February 17, 2017

If George Washington Acted like Donald Trump

If George Washington acted like Donald Trump, here is how I would imagine the cherry tree episode would play……

GWF: Georgie! Come here this instant!

GW: Whaaaat! (Sounding belligerently)

GWF: My favorite cherry tree has been cut down! Do you know who might have done such a loathsome act?

GW: First let me say, that’s an awful tree, ugly tree – really bad dude! Never produced fruit! Make a yuge mess everywhere - Yuge! Leeches off other plants! Terrible tree– shouldn’t even be in the garden! The idea that I might have had anything to do with the so-called chopping down is ridiculous! Its FAKE news perpetrated by my enemies to discredit me!

GWF: Georgie, several of my servants said they saw you run out of the house with a hatchet cursing!

GW: Those are illegal aliens who are saying these things about me simply to discredit me and as a ruse to stay in this country; really bad dudes, most of them rapists and drug dealers. Believe me, when I grow up, I’m going to make Virginia a great colony again by building a wall by keeping these people out – or maybe in!

GWF: So who DO you think cut down my cherry tree?

GW: I know for a FACT that it was the little Rodham girl Hillary – bad girl – really bad! I say lock her up in her room for the rest of her life!

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Vladimir Putin Demands investigations of Trump Ties to America

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Vladimir Putin came out today demanding an independent investigation into Donald Trump’s ties to America. In a press conference he stated “There is clear concern for us that Donald Trump has ties to America that he has not been forthcoming about. After firing his National Security Adviser it is unclear that he will follow our explicit Instructions. We elected Trump on the promise that he would follow the laws laid  out  in the Russian Federation Constitution and do whatever we want him to do. Instead he seems to be on his own agenda, and we cannot have that. I have asked Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan to immediately conduct an independent investigation into Donald Trump’s ties to America and if necessary impeach him so we can get someone who knows how to follow our instructions."

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

National Archive's Constitution Replaced with The Art Of The Deal

Satirical News Service

Staff and visitors to the National Archives in Washington DC were surprised today to find that copies of The US Constitution, Bill of Rights, and The Declaration of Independence, normally displayed in bomb proof glass cases for all to view have all been removed. In their place was a copy of The Art of the Deal printed on parachment like paper. Steven Bannon, the newly appointed director of the National Archives stated that “they were going to undergo some revisions and cleaning”, but failed to elaborate on just what this entailed. Also all copies of these historic documents have been removed from the gift shop. Instead, and until further notice, only  copies of The Art of The Deal would be available.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Sesame Street to undergo Major Change

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Trump Administration announced today that although it was going to do away with public funding for PBS, it intends on keeping the popular show Sesame Street, but change the theme and characters. Big Bird will be replaced by Yuge Bird, featuring a vulture. It will also introduce his sidekick, Steven The Reaper, featuring a grim reaper character. The show’s emphasis will be on instilling fear into children by harping on how dangerous cites are because of illegal aliens, Muslim Terrorists, and Political Correctness. It will warn kids not to believe the fake news and facts coming from the main stream media, but only stuff it hears on this show. It will encourage children to report any suspicious activity and anti-Trump sentiments they hear from their parents and neighbors to the proper authorities. The new show will be appearing daily on the Fox News Channel.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Letter to Queen Elizabeth Urging Great Britain To “Take Us Back”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Letter to Queen Elizabeth from America

Your Dear Majesty,

Look, we’re really sorry about that Revolution thing back in 1776, and the whole Boston Tea Party thing, but given the choice between the madness of King George and the madness of Donald Trump, we’d pick George any day.  We tried Democracy and it worked for a while, but now look what we’ve got.  A  Republican Congress that seems intent on shutting down every progressive thing that’s happened over the past century, a cabinet of Presidential appointees that are complete morons, and a President who sends out 3am tweets sitting on his toilet about Hollywood Stars and Beauty Queens who criticize him. It’d be so much better to be your colony again. We’d have a National Health Service, and cops without guns. ..OK – so we’d have to pay a little more taxes on tea, but who drinks that s##t anyway? I’ll be happy to sing “God Save the Queen” at baseball and football games if it would get rid of the idiots we just elected. Please, your majesty take us back….Please!