TRUMP DECLARES VICTORY IN THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!

A HUGE BITCOIN MINE WAS DISCOVERED IN COLORADO, THAT YOU CAN OWN!

Hey, middle-class America! Now that you’ve received that YUGE tax cut, here is something you can do with that money that will make you SUPER RICH (and you won’t have to pay any more taxes at ALL!)

With BITCOINS now selling in excess of $15,000, you can get in on OWNING A BITCOIN MINE!

Two prospectors were roaming around the Western Rockies when they discovered an abandoned GOLD mine. The Gold had been mined out of it, but what they discovered was even more valuable. YUGE deposits of BITOMIUN – the raw ore that BITCOINS are actually made from. The concentration of BITOMIUN is so high that it likely to yield 15-20 BITCOINS per ton! That's YUGE!!!!

The prospectors decided rather than take all the wealth for themselves, they’d let it TRICKLE DOWN to the Middle Class. So they decided to off SHARES in the mine.

Each share sells for a mere $5000, but with ALL THAT MONEY YOU’RE GOING TO GET BACK FOR YOUR TAX REFUND, you’ll be able to afford it. Then as the Price of BITCOINS keeps rising, you’ll be in the SUPER-RICH class before you can say “Trump is a LIAR!”.

We’re offering this great deal FIRST to those who’ve shown steadfast support to TRUMP and his REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL ALLIES.

Just think of all the things you’ll be able to do with that LOOT. Buy a second Jet (tax-free fuel!), Afford that Yacht in Boca Raton; Own your own Congressman…who knows.

Just send me $5000 in Bitcoins OR Untraceable cash to receive your SHARE certificate entitling you to the profits from the Colorado BITOMIUN mine.

Remember, this offer is available ONLY to the First 40 million Republicans.

US Changes the Name of It’s Currency to “The Lie”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a bold move today, the US Treasury announced that henceforth the US currency will be called “The Lie”. To Republicans in Congress, this comes as no surprise since their currency has always been The Lie. With the name change will come an entirely changed way that bank notes are printed and money is referred to.

“The great thing about the lie, is that it can mean whatever we want it to”, said one Congressman. When we say We have reached our goal of cutting spending by 90% it’s the ‘Lie’ that we are referring to. Likewise when we say ‘Raising taxes on the Middle Class will save them money’, it’s also the lie we are referring to. The great thing about the lie is that it really has no actual value tied to it. Basically, it’s ‘whatever we say it is’. Also, the term ‘dollar’ and ‘lie’ can be used interchangeably. For example, when we say the cost of living went down, we mean “the lie”, and when salaries went up, well sometimes it can mean the lie also. No one knows for sure and that’s what makes the lie so great. People can really stretch these lies to raise their standard of living, cut taxes, whatever…. Bank notes will be printed like stamps with no actual value printed on them – Just 'FOREVER'."

Congress still has to ratify this, but after passing the “Tax Reform Bill”, one Senator said, they’ll certainly swallow “The Lie”.

Trump Signs Executive Order Rescinding Obama’s Birth Certificate

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a public ceremony today, President Trump signed an executive order that rescinds Barak Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate. Also included in the executive order was a clause issue a new one that states his place of birth as Kenya in the revised birth certificate. Supporters of Trump applauded this move as fulfilling another of his campaign promises. 

Fib-It – Take Control of Your Fibs

Fib-It – Let's you Take Control of Your Fibs

Fib-It is the uses the latest technology to constantly monitor your every lie and half-truth so you can reach your goal of total deception. More than half a Congress and World leaders now use Fib-It to their advantage. It counts your hourly, daily, and weekly lies. It even lets them match their lies to polling data to see how well they have deceived.

Trump Rescinds Turkey Pardon

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After pardoning the turkey named Drumstick yesterday, President Trump promptly rescinded that pardon tweeting. “That ungrateful bird wasn’t the least bit grateful to me. Does it think ANYONE can pardon it? Too bad Drumstick – Pardon rescinded – You’re getting the axe!”

Minnie Mouse Comes Forward With Allegations of Groping by Walt Disney

Satirical News Service

Orlando, FL

Joining a growing chorus of women alleging inappropriate sexual advances by Hollywood, TV, and Political personalities, Minnie Mouse has become the first major cartoon character to allege that she was groped repeatedly by Walt Disney during her creation.

In a tearful interview, Minnie stated, “He liked to stick his ink pen in my “you-know-what”. Sometimes he would like to cover my whole body with black ink. I think he got some sort of kinky high from this”.

There was no word from the Disney Studio or his heirs over these allegations.

Donald Trump - "Hillary Groped ME"

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a week of allegations and counter-allegations of celebrities and other people groping women (and men), Donald Trump posted this tweet in which he says Hillary Clinton groped him in the second debate. There was no response from the Clintons' on these allegations, but FOX News is running continuous coverage of it.

Putin Demands Investigation into Cabinet Members Not In Collusion with Trump Campaign

Satirical News Service
Washinton, DC

Russia’s President Putin today demanded investigations in any of his cabinet members who might not have colluded with members of Trumps cabinet or election committee.

“This is a very serious charge. If we find out that some of my cabinet members did not seek out to collude with the Trump campaign and the 2016 election, there will be serious repercussions. We cannot let the Americans simply vote on their own. Without our help who knows what they might do.”

CDC WARNS THAT “THOUGHTS-AND-PRAYERS” VACCINE IS NOT EFFECTIVE PREVENTION FOR GUN VIOLENCE: MASSIVE NEW OUTBREAKS POSSIBLE.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The CDC today warned that the commonly prescribed vaccine called “thoughts-and-prayers” used to prevent recurrence of mass shootings has now been found to be completely ineffective. They go on to warn that there could be a massive outbreak of cases over the holiday season unless a new vaccine is found. The Republican led Congress, the leading manufacturer of “thoughts-and-prayers”, have once again turned to the NRA to develop a more effective vaccine. They say their latest vaccine called “Good-Guy-With-A-Gun”, shows promise, and there is no need to look elsewhere. The CDC warned that every American is at risk without a new effective vaccine.

The Quest for the Perfect Lie

The Quest for the Perfect Lie

by Steven Friedman with apologies to Sydney Sheldon

There once was a grump named Take-it-all Trump

He was not like you or I,

The thing he wanted most in life

Was to tell the ultimate lie

He‘d lie about everything, whether it mattered or not

He’d lie if it was cold, he’d say it was hot!

He lie about climate or even the rain

He’d lie about the path of a cat 5 hurricane

He’d lie about how climate was affecting the earth

He’d even lie about a President’s own place of birth

He’d lie about people who heroes became

He’d call them insignificant or desecrate their name

He’d lie about his opponents failing health,

His own of course was kept deeply in stealth

He’d lie about taxes and how much he paid

He’d lie about his wealth and the deals he’s made

When true facts emerged that countered his views

He'd lie and chalk it all up to “reporting fake news”

He’d lie how his poll number were the greatest of all

And people just wondered how he had so much gall

And if you accused him of lying, he’d say to your face

That you were the liar – because of your race!

But despite all these lies he still wanted more

To tell the perfect lie, “That’s what I yearn is for”.

So he went on a quest to seek the greatest liar

Of lies great and small, no fabrication could go higher

And in the far land of Russia he’d once heard tell

Of a man who could lie better than any lie He could sell

So to this man Putin he did bow at his feet

Who offered him lies to cause his opponent’s defeat

And in exchange, he'd ask a small deed,

When the time is just right, he’d say what he’d need

So trump took his offer and the election did steal

And lied of the landslide he’d won, though none of it real

But the ultimate lie, was waiting there still

And he could not face it – No matter his will

For the ultimate lie, that he just couldn’t face

Was the truth that his Presidency was a total disgrace.

NRA Comes out in Support of Mandatory Motives Before Mass Shootings

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a spate of motiveless indiscriminate shootings, the NRA’s head, Wayne LaPierre, came out strongly in support of mandatory motives for all persons intending an indiscriminate mass shooting. In a briefly worded statement LaPierra stated “In the interest of public safety, we cannot let this continue. All shooters must declare their motives either verbally or in writing before they commence shooting. Right now the public is held in a constant state of terror wondering ‘Why did they shoot us?’ The public has a right to know why – and the real reason – not just because someone might be pissed off or crazy. We feel that this is the only way forward so the public can continue their daily activities knowing that when they are the victims of the next mass shooting, at least we’ll know why.”

The Republicans heralded this as a landmark concession toward guns safety, and have come out strongly in support of it.

FBI Now Searching for the Mastermind Behind Manhattan Terrorist Attack

The only known photo of the Shadowy Mastermind of this terrorist Organization known only as "The Don of the Red Hats"

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The FBI is now looking for the person they believe is the true mastermind behind the latest terrorist attack in Manhattan. Messages found in the truck used in the attack indicate that he had been radicalized by a shadowy figure known only as “The  Don of the Red Hats”. He is known to use Twitter to radicalize his followers and inspire them to perform acts of terrorism. The terrorist quoted the message that was his inspiration for the attack.

“I could walk out on 5^th Avenue and shoot someone and my followers would still love me!”

In their brief, the FBI stated that this mastermind terrorist is the greatest threat America has ever faced. He is known to have radicalized possibly millions of followers who blindly follow his every directive with his nearly daily tweets of hate and discord on twitter. It has been confirmed that he has access to weapons of mass destruction and has stated he would use them.

His followers seem to believe in returning to a “Caliphate” in a much earlier time when women were subjugated and used as slaves or sex objects.. In this "Caliphate" religious zealots and powerful sultans held enormous power made laws that demanded unquestioned following. Any form of protest was regarded “un-patriotic” and was ruthlessly quashed.

United’s longest-ever 18-hour flight - Survivors reported

Satirical News Service
Chicago, IL

The first passengers to make United Airlines non-stop 18 hour flight from LAX to Singapore are reported to be in fair condition after remaining cramped in coach and fed barely edible food for the full duration. Some were able to emerge from the aircraft under their own power but most had to be assisted by ground personnel.

“We are just amazed and thankful that they even survived! Frankly, I don’t think anyone should attempt this in coach – Maybe business class, but certainly not coach”, said one airline employee. As they emerged from the flight they were asked if they thought they were ready for the return trip, but all they could answer was “blah blah, blah”.

Trump Demands FBI investigate Hillary Clinton's Role in JFK Assassination

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Trump today released newly uncovered photos from the 1963 Kennedy Assassination that show conclusively that Hillary Clinton was the second gunman. In a packed auditorium of Trump supporters, Trump demanded to know why the FBI was investigating him, when they should be investigating Hillary Clinton’s role in the Kennedy Assassination. To throngs of “Lock her Up”. Trump produced this “unaltered” photo that clearly shows Hillary Clinton leveling a handgun at President Kennedy from the grassy knoll in Dallas in 1963. Asked why she looks the same in the photo when she was 16 as she does now, Trump responded “She looked old and haggard then too”. The FBI declined to comment, however FOX news ran with the story and brought forward eyewitnesses that said they clearly remember her on the grassy knoll then.

Trump Grandson Unable to Trick-or-Treat due to Bone Spurs

Trump's grandson, Spencer, shown with Halloween Costume

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump’s grandson, Spencer (shown here in military Halloween costume) revealed today that he would be unable to participate in the annual trick-or-treat event at their school due to “chronic and persistent bone spurs” in his feet. Instead, Secret Servicemen will take all the Candy that was supposed to be collected and then donated to a local homeless shelter and give it to the younger Trump. In a, Tweet, Donald Trump tweeted “I deeply regret that my grandson will not be able to participate in the trick-or-treat event. As you all know bone spurs can be terribly debilitating and prevent even seemingly able bodied people from serving their country. My secret Service detail bravely has agreed to do this chore for him. Although this candy was supposed to go to a local homeless shelter, we feel that government handouts are just wrong for these individuals. Instead, we will be keeping all the candy and sending whatever candy is left over to these people around Easter time next year."

Trump Tweets Against People Kneeling During Mass

Doctors Mystified By Large Growth on President Trump's Nose

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital were mystified by a strange protruding growth at the end of Donald Trump’s Nose. Sources from the hospital report that the symptoms began some time ago, but now are growing at a tremendous rate; sometimes inches in a single day. No possible explanation has been given for this condition, but so far it does not seem to affect President Trump’s work.

Forest Service No Longer Will Fight Fires – Only offer Hopes and Prayers

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Despite the fact that the fires in Northern California are only 50% contained, the USFS announced today that from now on it will no longer fight forest fires. Instead they will collectively offer their thoughts and prayers to the victims. “This is not the time to be talking about fighting raging forest fires”, stated the head of the Forest Service. "Let’s face forest fires are just a fact of life. Trying to fight them just doesn’t work. Once you put out one fire, another just plops in its place. Now is not the time to be talking about prevention either. We’ve all seen that forest fire prevention just doesn’t work. We've had stricter and stricter regulations and we still have forest fires, at the cost of good high paying lumber and forestry jobs, and housing development. It’s time for America to wake up to the fact that from time to time things are just going to burn out of control, and they just have to live with it. We will, however, offer our thoughts and prayers to all the victims”

The President of the Virgin Islands Sends Trump 10 Virgins to Thank Him

Satirical News Service
US Virgin Islands

The President of the US Virgin Islands today sent Donald Trump 10 young virgins as a thank you for his efforts in their clean up lessons. "I hope you make good use of these", the President stated in his thank you message. "Maybe Puerto Rico would do better if they sent a similar gift to you Great President", the message continued.

NRA Comes Out in Support of Limiting the Number of People a Person Can kill

Satirical News Service 

Washington DC 

In an amazing about face, Wayne LaPierre, head if the NRA said today it would be in favor of some limitation on the number of people someone can kill in a mass shooting. 

In a press statement, he stated “We feel that the recent incident in Las Vegas has shown the need for responsible legislation to control what has become an ever-escalating carnage. We therefore endorse legislation that limits the number of people a deranged gunman can kill to 50. However, this limit only applies to people actually killed and not merely maimed. Also this applies only to each single incidence, and self inflicted guns shots will not be counted in the total.” 

Republicans hailed this as a huge step forward in legislating sensible gun control without actually controlling access to guns.  Trump tweeted "This will save many lives".

Las Vegas Shooter Appear To Have Been Radicalized and Inspired to Do Massacre

Satirical New Service

Washington, DC

It now appears that the Las Vegas Shooter may have had ties to a radical group led by a mysterious man named Don Al Trumpa. In addition for calling on his entire base of followers to purchase guns, he also issued an edict that may have inspired the killer. Authorities have uncovered this in a broadcast to his followers back in 2016. In it he stated “…..I could walk out on 5^th Avenue a shoot people and my supporters would still love me!” It now appears that the gunman took these words to mean go out into a crowd of people and start shooting and in return he would receive the eternal love of the people who support Don Al Trumpa. Based on this new information it now appears quite clear that a terrorist group played a large role in this massacre.

Kim Jong Un says his "Right to bear Nuclear Weapons is guaranteed in US Constitution"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, PKK

Kim Jong Un came out with a statement today saying that he has every right to bear and test nuclear missiles as guaranteed under the Second Amendment of the US Constitution. He also stated he liked it so much he added to their own constitution with the slight addition that only he had that right.

Trump Close to Completing His Goal of Alienating Everyone on the Planet

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

Donald Trump today completed a new milestone toward his goal to piss-off the entire population of  the planet. In a new tweet, he attacked pet owners calling them losers and parasites. In doing so he alienated one of the largest groups of people in America, who now join athletes, anyone in the arts, environmentalists, Hispanics, Muslims, and a whole host of others. About the only people left who he still counts as his supporters are coal miners and NASCAR enthusiasts. He hopes to piss-off them as well early in 2018 to complete his goal of alienating the world against him.  

Trump Asks Congress for 20 million to Develop More Potent Epithets

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As the war of words with North Korea escalated this week, President Trump today asked Congress for 20 million dollars to develop more potent epithets to hurl at North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. In a tweet today he stated, 

“We need to develop more powerful epithets that will totally devastate Kim Jong Un. We know that North Korea is doing this and have already tested a string of insults that it intends to hurl at the US. Our current arsenal of epithets is disgraceful. Many like ‘Rocketman’ are more than 40 years old, and in some cases, ‘Dotard’ are more than 100.  Without new and more potent ones, the US could find itself under a stream of verbal attacks at any time with no way to retaliate. I am asking Congress for 20 million dollars added onto the defense budget for this program”.

When queried as to where the funds would come from to pay for this, he tweeted “We’ll take it from Funds for the school lunch program”.

10 Year Old boy and Dad Want to Defoliate Trumps Golf Courses

Mexico Tears down Hundreds of Buildings to Get building Materials for Trump’s Wall

Satirical News Service
Mexico City, Mexico

Mexico City today started to demolish hundreds of building simultaneously in order to obtain the necessary materials to build Trump’s border wall. According to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, “When we heard Mr. Trump speak today at the UN, we knew he meant what he said about building that wall and making Mexico pay for it. We decided we better get prepared for this. We are a small country with very few resources, and since all our skilled workers are in America, we had to start tearing down a lot of buildings here in Mexico city to get all the building materials for his wall. Luckily Mother Nature was on our side and sent us a 7.5 earthquake to assist in our efforts.”

Trump Tweets How Frank Giaccio is Making America Great Again

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After accepting a deal to have the White house Lawn by an eleven year old boy, Trump happily Tweeted.

D.O.T.E. Act Repealed

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a controversial move Congress has repealed the DOTE act or amnesty for Decedents of Over-privileged Tax Evaders that was originally signed into law during the last Bush administration. Basically it stipulated that children of Real Estate Magnates, Hedge Fund Managers, and CEO’s of large corporations, who had evaded taxes for years, would now be held liable for taxes that their elders owed the state and federal government.

An anonymous spokesperson for a group whom we shall call “Little Lord Fauntleroy” stated this

“Through no fault of our own, we now face an uncertain future. Imagine, having grown up with every privilege imaginable  - private schools, gated communities, country clubs – now having to face to possibility of living a middle class life style that is completely foreign to us. We had no control over our parents’ tax returns. They just said 'Don’t worry about it – I have the best accountants in the country on this'. How were we in any way responsible? I have a young son now who might have to attend a bi-lingual public school in a middle class neighborhood. My country club could bar us. This is just not fair!”

According to those who are supporting the repeal they stated that “The law is the law!” Even though they may not be directly responsible for their parents’ illegal actions, they must carry the consequences and assume all the back taxes and penalties going back to their great grandparents. Just because they are over-privileged through no actions of their own, doesn’t give them the right to take away the right of others to become over-privileged who have paid all their fair share of taxes. 

Trump Pardon’s God for Hurricane Harvey – Says There Was Blame On Both Sides

Satirical News Service
Houston, Texas

Appearing in Houston before what Trump says was a YUGE crowd at Joel Osteen’s Megachurch. Donald Trump issued a Presidential Pardon to God for causing Hurricane Harvey that dumped almost 5 feet of water on the Houston area. In his speech he stressed “While it is tragic what happened, there is blame on both sides.” He went on to site Houston’s leniency toward illegal immigrants and tolerance of gays as some of the reasons that God might have for bringing down the wrath of Hurricane Harvey.

President Trump Readies Thousands of Cases of Play Dough to help with Hurricane Recovery

Satirical News Service
Houston, Texas

President Trump and Vice President Pence were seen just outside of the flood ravaged coastal areas and city of Houston, Texas preparing to send thousands of cases of Play Dough to the victims.  The President wants everyone to know that he is sending his own "dough" to help pay for the clean up. He further stated that he wants to emphasize that with all the dough he's going to send, there will be no need for Federal Disaster relief funds to be used. Besides, he late tweeted, Mexico sent us this hurricane, and Mexico is going to pay to clean it up!"

Trump Wants Wall to Prevent Hurricanes Coming From Mexico

Path Of The Area He Wants To Build His Wall To Keep Out Hurricanes

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In the response to scenes of today’s devastating hurricane hitting Texas right now, Trump today went on Twitter to demand that Congress act immediately on his Wall, to “prevent these devastating hurricanes coming directly from Mexico.”

“My weather experts are telling me that these hurricanes, just like the one that is right now devastating the Houston area, are coming directly from Mexico! Now Mexico, in addition to letting drug dealers, rapists, and murderers freely cross our border, are now letting devastating hurricanes come over the border and causing massive damage – massive! The only way to stop this is to build my wall that I have been asking Congress to do since DAY ONE! 

      Mexico, I assure you will pay for it, but right now we cannot afford to wait until the next hurricane comes over the border bringing tornadoes, floods, and catastrophic damage to our shores. My scientists and engineers have told me with complete assurances that this wall will prevent hurricanes from crossing our border. We have to build this wall NOW!”

Trump Pardons Charles Manson – Stresses His Exemplary Family Loyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today pardoned Charles Manson after nearly 45 years in prison siting his exemplary loyalty to his  family.

“Charles Manson has shown what it means to be loyal to your family. No matter how much they offered him to rat out his other Manson family members, he remained loyal. These are the kind of family values that America needs – and certain members of my own family should be thinking about. While no one will deny that he did some bad things, there was blame to be had on both sides – especially among members of the elite Hollywood ultra-liberal set. So today I am pardoning him to reunite him with his surviving family members to carry on their good works and remain loyal to each other."

Epidemic of Bone Spurs Affecting Servicemen and Women About to be Deployed to Afghanistan

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Tragically, nearly all of the more than 4000 servicemen and women who were scheduled for deployment to Afghanistan following President Trumps “new” plan to win the 16 year old war have become afflicted with crippling bone spurs in their feet. In a letter sent to the White House from those servicemen and women they stated.

Dear Mr. Trump:

               We are dreadfully sorry that we will be unable to participate in your new effort to win the war in Afghanistan. As you well know bone spurs can be quite debilitating and certainly prevent us from participating in this escapade, as much as we’d love to win the war for you. May we suggest as replacements you send members of your own family, Paul Ryan, your friends in Goldman Sachs, the KKK, the Neo-Nazi, and all the para-military groups that say they are just “dying to go over there”. Good luck!

Regretfully,

US servicemen and women scheduled for deployment

Trump Vows To Build Wall Between Afghanistan And Pakistan

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With his poll numbers tanking and the prospects for getting his Wall with Mexico practically nil, Trump spoke out today promising to build a wall between Afghanistan and Pakistan to keep out the terrorists and Taliban. “We’re going to build a wall between Pakistan and Afghanistan! It’ll be YUGE! It’ll be the greatest wall that has EVER been built! It’ll be better and bigger than even the great Chinese wall – which by the way is a pathetic wall, terrible. It can hardly keep anyone out. This wall is going to be fantastic! And do you know who is going to pay for this wall.....? THE PAKISTANI’S!!!!!!!!! That's Who!

The response from the Pakistani government is untranslatable, but it has something to do with performing an act with a Donkey.

Lost speech by Adolf Hitler decrying violence “on both sides” during Kristallnacht

Kristallnacht

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A lost transcript of a speech made by Adolf Hitler the day after the infamous Kristallnacht in Germany in 1938, has recently surfaced. 

In it he decried “…the violence on BOTH sides that led to many of our brave law enforcement people, who were simply trying to uphold the peace, being injured by broken glass.

There were Jews there with menorah’s that they were holding up as weapons, and Torah’s that they were using as clubs to prevent people from putting out fires that the Jews themselves were setting and breaking Windows. It’s no surprise when a few enthusiastic members of the Nazi party felt obliged to defend themselves against these acts of terrorism by the Leftist’s and Jews. While we regret that a few Jews were injured and maybe even died as result most likely of their own actions, we cannot just blame one side for this. The blame goes to many sides – many sides.”

He went on to condemn to foreign press for their biased reporting of the event, and promised to rally his base against them as well.

Kim Jong Un – "Threats to Guam only to promote Tourism There"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

In a rare show of agreement between the USA and North Korea, Kim Jong Un stated on their national TV that their threats to Guam were only designed to promote tourism, just as President Trump said. They released a new poster today to promote this idea. Kim also promised to help promote tourism in other places too such as Hawaii and Seattle, Washington.

Latest Trump Twitter Feed puts Nation at Defcon 3 briefly

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

The Nation briefly went to Defcon 3 - the highest national threat alert since the end of the Cold War after President Trump tweeted that he could launch a nuclear attack against Pyongyang and his base would still love him. He was alluding to a statement he made once on the campaign trail in which he stated that "...I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue in New York City and my base would still support me".
John Kelly was immediately contacted by the joint chiefs of staff wondering "WFT was going on". After several frantic calls to Chinese diplomats and NATO, and back channels to North Korea, the alert was scaled back.

Trump Planned To Fulfill Another Campaign Promise – Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Early this morning Chief of Staff John Kelly received and urgent call from Trump’s Secret service agents saying they were currently restraining Trump and needed Kelly to get over to Trump Towers Immediately. According to sources close to Trump, after Tweeting that his base was bigger than ever, was seen leaving Trump towers with a loaded Winchester stating 

“I’m going to fulfill another of my campaign promises today and go out on 5^th Avenue and shoot someone -  and my base will still love me”.

Secret Service Agents immediately restrained the protesting President Trump until John Kelly arrived, and told Trump that in no uncertain terms could he do this. 

One Fish Two Fish.....

With apologies to Dr. Suess

One fish, Two fish

My Fish, You Fish

Say what a lot of Fish we catch

What a lot of Plots we hatch

This one has such tiny fins

Much too small to keep in tins

We keep him anyway on the line

And reel him in from time to time

And if it fights us, we’ll yank back

And reveal what he knows about election hacks

This Trump fish we catch won’t get away

He’s on our hook and there he’ll stay.

Putin Fires Trump; Says He’s Very Disappointed With His Disloyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a startling shake up at the Kremlin, Putin today fired Donald Trump saying he was extremely disappointed with Trump for not showing the kind of loyalty he expected. This comes just days after Trump signed the bill authorizing sanctions against Russia.

 In a statement Putin said “After all I did to get him elected, you’d think he’d show a lot more loyalty. As of today, he’s out! You know people around me who are disloyal to me don’t usually last very long. I’ll now be looking for a new U.S. President and expect a lot more loyalty from him.”

Trump Orders New Addition To Vietnam War Memorial

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump signed an executive order today ordering the National Parks Service to add an addition to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington DC to honor those who would have fought (and won the war BIGLY) had they not been prevented from going by crippling "bone spurs" in their feet. So far only one person fits this memorial.

Trump signs Executive order repealing ALL healthcare.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today just tweeted that he is repealing by executive order ALL healthcare in the United States until Congress passes his repeal of Obamacare. In his tweet he indicated that he has ordered all pharmacies, hospitals and clinics closed until Congress acts on repealing Obamacare.

Brain Scan Reveals Strange Malignant Tumor in John McCain

Brain scan of John McCain revealing odd shaped tumor

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital today revealed that John McCain has a large malignant brain tumor. It is suspected that it has been growing there since last summer and might account for his recent bizarre speeches and support of policies that went totally against his previous positions.

Death Panels Eliminated in New Republican Affordable Healthcare Act

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Republican led Congress is over the moon for the fact that The “Death Panels” in Obamacare have been now been completely eliminated in the new Republican ACA.  if you wanted to get healthcare through one of the federally sponsored insurance pools under Obamacare, you had to appear before a “Death Panel” Although no one ever knew of anyone who actually had to do this, they were certainly there! Now in our Republican ACA bill, we’ve completely eliminate the need for these. Anyone who earns more than $50,000 a year, has no pre-existing or serious medical problems automatically get a bye. No need to appear before any panel at all! As for the rest of those people who have serious medical problems and low incomes, well, there are still plenty of good insurance policies that cover burial expenses at very reasonable costs.