Livestream of Execution Expected to get Higher Ratings than Super Bowl Halftime Show

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After Pete Hegseth announced that the execution of the Fort Hood shooter will be livestreamed, Networks have been scrambling to gets rights to air this. Truth Social and Fox News have all announced plan to air it live. CBS is strongly considering it as well. To further boost its ratings, Truth Social will air a special Christmas show right after to highlight the “Season of Peace and Love”. Hegseth is also planning to commission special uniforms be made for the individuals chosen for the firing squad at a cost of several million tax payer dollars. Those individuals chosen for that task must show very high levels of testosterone. No fatties, No beardies, no weirdos, and no faggots need apply.

With TV rating expected to be higher than Bad Bunnies Halftime show at the Super Bowl, other nations have taken notice and also plan to live stream their own executions. Saudia Arabia plans to live stream beheadings, Iran will live stream public hangings from huge cranes, and Afghanistan will live stream public stoning of gay people. One un-named country is considering going to the electric chair for their live streams to boost tourism.

Kim Jong Un Announces (MSIT) More Superior Intelligence Than Trump’s

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC News

North Korea’s News Agency announced that they had developed MSIT, or "More Superior Intelligence Than Trump’s”.  Furthermore, they are already deploying it in every household throughout North Korea. It uses an “Ask Alexa” like interface called “Dear Leader is Listening” to ensure that every North Korean feels intimately connected to their Dear Leader. 

It is set up so that every hour it will ask the listener “What do you want to tell Dear Leader. He wants to know what you are thinking”. Failure to answer or answering in a flippant or negative manner will automatically generate a call to the secret police to “check up on you”.

Sources in the Trump Administration are saying the Trump is very interested in this “SI” model and wants Tech companies to start a crash program to develop a similar system called “Trump has Even More Superior Intelligence that Kim’s”

Hegseth Wants 10 million Dollars to Build Bomb proof “Airplane Food Catering Container”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Pete Hegseth is asking Congress to approve his specially designed “Airplane Food Catering Container” that can withstand bomb blasts and any other type of attack. It would also feature secret entrances that can be accessed before, during, and after flights that the President can escape into. It would only be able to hold one occupant, and in the event of an attack, it could be jettisoned from the aircraft and land safely by parachute with the President inside

Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring Pregnancy Test for Non-Us Citizens Before Entering the US

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an end run around the Supreme Court ruling on Birthright Citizenship, Trump today signed an Executive Order requiring a valid pregnancy test result taken within 24 hours for all non-US citizens before entering the US. This would be similar to the COVID test requirements that were put into place during the Biden Administration and were roundly condemned by Republicans. If the test is positive, women could not enter the US until after she has given birth in her home country or can prove that she is no longer pregnant. According to Trump,

“This way we can prevent birth vacations by women who travel to the US solely to give birth and thus automatically make the child a US citizen. This will be in effect until the Supreme Court re-considers my Birthright Bill.” 

Trump to Launch Chain of Trump Branded Gas Stations

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to shore up his “base”, Trump has announced plans to open his own “branded” gas stations exclusively in Red states across the country.

“We will be selling gas from all the oil we took from Venezuela, and soon from Iran, at a low, low price. In fact, they are the lowest of any President since Regan. I’m doing this because only I can keep gas prices down by making deals and standing strong against Iran and Venezuela. Gas prices there will be below $2.00 a gallon for Regular, and slightly more for Premium.

There is a catch, though. In order to get that low price, you have to be a member of the Trump Gas Club”. The cost of joining this club is $500 per year for a single membership, $1500 per year for a family.

Sleeping Trump Roundly Boo’d at Nicks Playoff game

 

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

A very unpopular President Trump, who insisted on attending last night's Knicks Playoff game, was roundly booed by a huge crowd for nearly 5 full minutes. Many fans also made rude hand gestures, and one fan, who was unfortunate enough to be seated behind the President, indicated his reaction to a certain odor emanating from the President. President Trump, however, never reacted to all this since he immediately fell asleep and remained in that state throughout the entire game.

The following day, when News Services and Social Media showed scenes of Trump being booed by both the players and fans, he immediately signed an Executive Order banning all professional basketball from being played in New York City.

Iraq Sign’s Peace Treaty with Trump – War Over

 

Abdul Latif Rashid, President of Iraq and Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Figuring that no one would notice the difference between Iran and Iraq, Trump made a peace deal with Iraq. In his post on Truth Social, he posted.

“We have made an historic and lasting peace deal. Iraq has agreed to keep the Strait of Hormuz open, end all hostilities, and give up its nukes and enriched Uranium, and also build a Trump Hotel in its capital. Nobel Peace Committee, are you listening? Thank you for your consideration. DJT”

Unfortunately, Iraq does not even sit on the Hormuz Strait, nor does it have any nukes or enriched uranium. Iraq and Iraq are longtime foes as well. But this way, Trump can brag and say we got all we asked for (even if it is with the wrong country). Now we can pack up and go home.