Evangelicals to Replace TSA screeners at Airports

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With frustrated crowds waiting as much as 4 hours in security lines at some major airports, and ICE agents basically just standing around. Trump has decided to employ his loyal base of Evangelicals to screen passengers and luggage at airports. They will not use scanners but instead place their hands on bags and pray that they contain no harmful liquids, guns, or explosives. The passengers themselves will not have to go through scanners. Instead, specially trained Evangelicals will “look into the souls” of the passengers passing through to ferret out the “evil doers”. Some passengers, particularly of certain minority groups, might be asked to undergo special conversions, voluntary or involuntary, before they are allowed to pass through checkpoints.

Trump Signs Executive Order and Making Kharg Island the 51st State and Renaming it “Trump Island”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a televised address posted on Truth Social Network, Trump signed an Executive Presidential Order making Kharg Island in the Strait of Hormuz the 51^st State of the United States. He has also renamed it Trump Island and appointed Don Jr. to be its first Governor. Immediately after being sworn in as governor, Don Jr. deployed 5000 US Marines whom he made "National Guardsmen," to defend the Island. That way, he could circumvent Congress and also claim that he is not deploying ground troops on foreign soil. In his address, he also declared that the Strait of Hormuz is to be renamed “The Straight of Trump”(sic).

Pete Hegseth Distributing Luxury Food items at local Food Bank

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to deflect the storm of criticism over Pete Hegseth's spending $2 million on King Crab Legs, $6.9 million on Lobster Tails, and $15 million on ribeye steaks, all of which came out of the Defense Department Budget, he is seen here at his local Food Bank distributing these items to the poorer members of his community. While they were grateful, most would have preferred the SNAP benefits that were cut earlier this year. They also could have used the funds to help pay their heating bills, which rose dramatically because of freezing weather and blizzards.

Denmark Offers Trump “His own Personal piece of Greenland” Which They Renamed TRUMPLAND

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With Tensions rising over Trump's insistence that he must have Greenland, a sovereign territory of Denmark, the Danish Government, along with Greenland, has offered Trump his own personal part of Greenland to satisfy him. It consists of a free-floating 10x10-foot iceberg that will belong exclusively to him, and the US if they want it. According to the Danish Prime Minister, “It is the perfect place for Trump to spend the rest of his life.”

Ken Burn’s New Documentary “Our Flag”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

PBS, soon to be renamed KBS (Ken Burns Station) has announced plans to create a six-part documentary called “Our Flag”. It will focus on choosing the flag, sewing the flag, and pledging allegiance to the flag. In the first episode, it will feature hours of close-up footage of women in period costumes cutting and sewing to strings of traditional fiddle music. There will also be endless readings of arguments as to where to place the stars and stripes, and what color to make them. At least three of the episodes will be about flying the flag with scenic footage shot in all climates, in all places, at all times of the day, followed by at least 10 minutes of footage of honor guards at funerals slowly folding the flag. It will also feature heroic paintings and photos of people raising the flag to patriotic bugle and drum music. The last episodes will focus on pledging (or not pledging) allegiance to the flag, and how this little publicity stunt by a magazine led to the “Pledge of Allegiance” coming to be recited in schools and meetings. There will also be scenes showing throngs of numerous school-age kids reciting it, as well as American Nazi’s rally at Madison Square Garden in the 1930s. The series will be completed with footage of all manner which people who wear the flag in and on their clothes, jewelry, and vehicles, and have created their own new versions of it. 

LET'S GIVE OPPOSITE ATTRACTIONS A TRY

 

In an effort to bring some semblance of de-polarization and cooperation to the US right now, I propose merging the two parties onto a single "Opposite Attractions" ticket.

Hamas Leaders Offer To Broker A Ceasefire With The House And Senate Leaders to End Shutdown

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The two remaining leaders of Hamas, Khaled Mashal and Khalil al-Hayya, have offered to broker a ceasefire and Peace deal between the warring US Republican and Democratic House and Senate leaders who have shut down the US government for more than 2 weeks. In a speech given to the press, they voiced their concern that this has gone on too long and that they will never be able to put the rest of the Gaza Peace Plan together without a functioning government. Both sides seem to be intractably dug in on their positions. While a deal appeared to be in the making last week, a new demand for the swearing in of Arizona Representative and the full release of the unedited Epstein documents and videos was completely rejected by Mike Johnson.

Hamas proposes to hold the peace talks in one of the last intact bunkers in the deep underground complex inside  Gaza and far away from the war-torn streets of Washington D.C., Chicago, and Portland, Oregon.

Khaled Mashal and Khalil al-Hayya are getting high notice from the Nobel Peace Prize Committee to perhaps become next year’s winners.

In their statement, they expressed thanks to  Donald Trump, who taught them the "Art of Deal Making".