Trump’s Secret Strategy for the Upcoming Debates

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Secret memos obtained by SNS have revealed Trump's secret strategy for the upcoming debate with Joe Biden. Regardless of the outcome or lack of outcome of his current NY trial, Trump will be appearing for the debate wearing an orange jumpsuit and shackles on his arms. Since the Republicans basically have no platform other than exporting and locking up a bunch of immigrants, and railing about Hannibal Lecters  are crossing our border. The only other thing that he can do is focus on how persecuted he is by Biden and those evil Democrats. So expect him to play the Nagorski card big time by waving his shackles and ranting how even Jesus Christ wasn’t as persecuted as he is now. It should make for great theater but don’t expect any actual issues to be discussed. The Republicans only have one – Donald Trump.

If you Build it – They will Come

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 According to Iowa’s Republican Governor Kim Renolds, the prophecy that the mysterious cornfield voice uttered “If you build it, they will come” is coming true in Iowa.  According to Governor Reynolds "Ever since they build that damn ball field in a cornfield, it has been a magnet for illegal immigrants to come through that cornfield into our state and raise holy hell. That’s why we desperately need our own immigration laws so we can lock up all these illegal immigrants and prevent them from voting democrat in the next election."  She further claims that every day thousands of illegals are coming through that cornfield having heard the voice.  While many Iowans remain skeptical, she insists “In the movie, people couldn’t see those ball players until they could. It’s the same here. I can see ‘em, but many people – especially Democrats can’t. So we need to pass that immigration bill and maybe build a wall around that damn cornfield."

Villages Couple Makes Historic Land Swap with COSTCO

 

Figure 1: Villages couple here seen breaking ground for a new COSTCO

Satirical News Service
The Villages, FL

In a historic move, two Villagers have made a deal with COSTCO to purchase their land and build a COSTCO in place of the house they'd planned. Although they had been planning on building their “dream house on the lake” for more than two years, when COSTCO announced they were finally considering opening a store in the Villages, they offered to swap their land (which had already been staked out to lay the foundation) for some unspecific land somewhere else.

“Yes”, said the couple, “it may mean delaying this project for another couple of years or more, but there will always be other lakes in Florida to build on. But who could pass up the chance to buy $5.00 roast chickens and giant flat-screen TV’s nearby. It’s a win-win”.

Hundreds of Supporters Fall Asleep at Trump Rallies

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a show of solidarity with Donald Trump, as he faces criminal indictment in the Stormy Daniels trial, hundreds of his supporters fell asleep in their seats at rallies across the country. It wasn't only Trump rallies either. At rallies and speeches by nearly every Republican candidate running for office, the crowd could be seen "sawing away to the tune of rock-a-bye baby". One on-looker who attended a rally said the snoring was so deafening, that you could hardly hear a word that was said. Another Trump supporter who was at the rally told reporters "America needs to wake up and go to sleep to re-elect Trump!"

Trump Shows His Own Predicted Path of the Total Eclipse

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Frustrated that “Liberal-Know-Nothing-Witch-Hunting-Astrophysicists” have predicted that the totality of the 2024 Eclipse will miss Florida, Donald Trump drew his own map of totality  for FOX News with his ever-powerful "Sharpie Pen”. 

For those wishing to watch it live, you can follow it live as it happens while he draws it in real time on FOX News on April 8^th.

Trump rolls out his own plan for Gaza - Buy Greenland

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 

To show voters that he is better at solving International  Disputes, Donald Trump rolled out his own plan for what to do about Gaza and Palestine. According to Trump,

“There are millions of people right now in Gaze with no place to go because Egypt won’t let them settle there, and Israel feels they are to much of threat to stay there. I propose we send them to Greenland! I’ll even buy it myself with my own Billions of Dollars that I’m making from the sale the My Trump Network. There will be no bombings  there by Israel or anyone else. They’ll be totally isolated so they can practice any damn radical Islamic religion they want without being a threat to their neighbors. Rebuilding would be easy too since there is plenty of snow and ice there to make igloos. They even say that parts of Greenland are desert, so they’d be right at home there. “

Although the last time he tried to “buy Greenland” the Danish weren’t too happy about it, this time he said “I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.”

Trump Announces His Next business venture -Trump Branded Mega Churches

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

After launching his Trump Branded Bible for a mere $60 each, Donald Trump has come up with another great money-making scheme to “fleece his flock”. He is going to launch Trump Branded Mega Churches throughout the country, starting in Deep-Red States like Florida and Texas.

According to the text that Trump posted on his Truth Social Network,
“America needs a new kind of church that does away with the WOKE ideology that is rampant in all the other churches. You won’t find any of that in my church. My church will stand for Guns, GOD, and Secure Borders.  No more liberal sermons about 'Love thy Neighbor' and 'Turn the Other Cheek'. In my church, you'll hear sermons about reporting your neighbors so they can be rounded up and deported, and if someone hits you on the cheek, you knock him flat. Any religion can worship in my churches as long as they first worship me. You won't find any voluntary collection plates either – it’s pay up front at the door for an amount yet to be determined. The best part about this venture is that churches can’t be taxed or prosecuted, since we stand for our First Amendment Right of   “Freedom of Religion”. We’ll also offer a full line of crucifixes designed by my daughter featuring me,since nobody has been persecuted more than me, and lots and lots of Religious books with children’s stories written by “you –know-who”. We’re gonna make millions!

Construction of the first one is expected as soon as he can line up financing – which might take a while considering….