Satirical News Service
Washington DC
A Group
calling themselves Evangelicals For a
Christian Society has declared that they are bringing back a long-dormant
practice begun by the 15th-century Catholic Church of offering
people indulgences for sins they have committed. At the time it was a way of keeping powerful
men in power who might otherwise be condemned for the atrocious sins they committed.
Once they “purchased” their indulgence, the church essentially erased their sin.
In this new version, the same principles apply, but the price went up.
Depending on the sin and sinner, the cost may be
anywhere from $250 to $3 million. For example, an ordinary person who may have
had a one-time homosexual encounter might be able to purchase an indulgence for
about $250. For a high-ranking person in a public office, the cost goes up to $10,000.
If that is more than one such encounter or several long affairs, the cost could
well be in the hundreds of thousands. For a President in is well into the millions
of dollars.
Hershel Walker would be a prime example of someone
who could purchase an indulgence for paying for abortions and fathering
children he refuses to acknowledge and still remain in the good graces of
Evangelical voters. The cost however would be in the millions.
Each indulgence would be an artfully decorated certificate
that states the name of the sinner and the sin it indulgence. For an additional
sum of money, the actual sin or sins would be left off the certificate, but
still recorded in the master database. Each certificate bears a facsimile of what
the actual signature of Jesus would have looked like – “Jesus Christ”.
There would still be some sins that you could not
buy indulgences for. Women who actually have had or are thinking of getting an
abortion could not get an indulgence. But men who pay for one or encourage
women to get one could. Doctors who perform abortions could not get one either.
Also, any transgender person or practicing homosexual could not receive one, but
a pedophile of young girls could.
This is all meant to promote a true Evangelical
Christian society that furthers our aims with less-than-perfect people.
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