Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Today, the Trump transition team named Air Force General Jack D. Ripper to become the next head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He is most known for his strong views on Fluoridation
and willingness to take extraordinary measures to prevent, in his words, “the
sapping and impurification of our natural bodily fluids”.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
With the election over, Trumpers are speculating on who he picks for cabinet posts (regardless of qualifications), online gaming sites have decided to offer a new game, Fantasy Trump Cabinet. This is an online fantasy game much like Fantasy Football where pundits pick who they think will be posted to Trump’s new cabinet and Supreme Court appointments. Fan Dual and Draft Kings will also offer bets on how long these individuals remain in their new positions before they are fired or resign. Market analysis has shown that this appeals more to Gen Z men than actually following political events or issues.
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
In one of his first moves as President, Donald
Trump has agreed to sell three of the most prized National Parks to Elon Musk,
thus relinquishing any federal control over them. The three parks are Yosemite,
Yellowstone, and The Grand Canyon. Although the sale will need Senate approval, it is expected to be easily passed along the
new Party lines. In his statement about what he intends to do with the parks,
Elon Musk said that admission will now be strictly limited to 1000 people a
day. Their entrance will only be selected by lottery of which includes a
mandatory signing of a petition demanding that Elon Musk be able to decide to do
whatever he wants with National Parks. While Native Americans still own parts
of The Grand Canyon, access in and out of those areas will be strictly limited
to resident inhabitants only. As for other plans, Musk hinted he’d love to see the glory
days of Buffalo hunting brought back to Yellowstone National Park.
