White House Reveals ISIS Plot to Put Gluten in America’s Food Supply

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today sources close to the White House revealed that the primary reason for President Obama’s decision to step up air and missile attacks on ISIS, was that the CIA had uncovered evidence that ISIS was planning to launch an attack by placing gluten in America’s food supply.

According to recent polls, the only thing that Americans fear more than Ebola is glutens in their food. When it was uncovered that ISIS was planning to surreptitiously put glutens in all of our foods, the President felt he had no choice but to act.

In an interview with SNS,  Air Force Chief Of Staff, General  Jack Ripper stated,

“It’s incredibly obvious, introduce a foreign substance into the food supply without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without their choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core ISIS extremist  works!”

iSpend Will Be The Latest Unique Feature In The iPhone6

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Omitted in the hugely attended Apple Inc. presentation of the iPhone6, that revealed revolutionary new features such as iPay ,was another new app called iSpend.  iSpend features  Siri, first featured in previous iPhones, who  gradually learns your spending habits and actually goes out on its own and spends your money. 

Here is the transcript from a recent Beta test.

John: WTF! Siri, I just got my credit card bill and it was over $8000

Siri: I see from your browsing that you like to look at clothes and vacation destinations so I went online and ordered you the entire line from LL Bean, and booked you on a 28 day cruise to Mexico. I also saw that you recently browsed Victoria secret WEB site so I ordered  you several intimate panties from their new fall line. I hope you are happy about this.

John: No Siri, I can’t afford all this stuff!

Siri: Of course you can, I simply paid for it all with iPay, it can’t be any easier.

John:  OMG it’ll be years before I can earn enough money to pay down this bill.

Siri: No John, it will only be one year. Then Apple will announce the new iPhone7 which will contain the app iWork, so you can relax while your phone does your work for you.

Apple Announces iCoo-Coo-Clock watch

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

At long last the most anticipated product from the Apple product line was announced today in Cupertino. The iCoo-Coo-Clock Watch.  The iCoo-Coo-Clock watch will put users directly in touch with social media by displaying a revolving icon of the person who has left them a Facebook message or email. It will also be uniquely auditory by chiming the classic “coocoo” sound (now patented by Apple) to announce when a message is received. The design features a stylish wrist band with a wooden  watch sized clock attached. It does not use any batteries that could harm the environment, but instead is powered by two counter weights that suspend from the wrist band. An apple spokesperson spoke teary eyed to the press saying “I’m sure the Steve is looking down at this achievement with great pride, wherever he is”.

Users are already lined up at Apple stores even though the product will not become available for several months.

Airlines Will Now Charge you to Recline or Prevent Seat Reclining

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

After two airliners within the space of a month have had to be diverted due to fights breaking out over reclining seats, some airlines see this as another chance to further gouge their customers in flight.

In a trial test on a long flight, the passenger is charged $20 for the first 3 inches to recline their seat and then $15 per each additional inch to the maximum allowable limit of 10. They must swipe their credit card to “unlock” it. If the person in back of that seats does not want the seat in front of them to reline, they can swipe their credit card and be charged $25 to block it. Then it gets really interesting. If the first person wants to override that block, an ebay like auction window opens up on the in-seat viewers, and a bidding war begins. Whoever bids the highest, gets to control the seat. Airlines figure this could be a gold mine, and might actually mitigate the thousands of dollars lost when they have to divert flights due to altercations breaking out in flight. 

New Version of Statue Of Liberty To Be Erected On Texas Border

Satirical News Service
Laredo, Texas

The Tea Party is now raising money the erect a new version of the iconic Statue of Liberty, to be erected on the US Mexico border. It is expected to be over 300 feet high so that people on the other side of the border fence can see it for miles. As a Tea Party Spokesperson stated “It’s high time we erect a statue that reflects the new view of immigration into the United States.” The inscription on its base will read “Go  the  F*** Home!”

Miss Manners Answers on the Subject of Pot

As more states legalize pot and it becomes mainstream, an entirely new etiquette will have to found. SO expect to see the following advice column coming to your local hometown newspaper.....

Dear Miss Manners

What is the proper etiquette for passing a pipe among friends, and is it proper for the spouse of a friend to light my husband’s pipe or is that implying something 

suggestive?

MM: In small circles the pipe is always passed to the left, unless there are only three of you; in which case any-which-way goes. As for your friend’s spouse, I would have her keep her “flame” for her own husband. It is certainly not proper for anyone but their own spouse to light their husband’s pipe – in every way.

When meeting my father-in-law for the first time, is it a good idea to offer for him to get high with you? I want to leave a good impression on him.

MM: You will have to weigh that with whether you want your first impressions of each other to be as raving idiots in search of midnight munchies. You might make a good impression on him, but leave the wrong one with your future wife. I’d wait on that.

We've been invited to a BYOP party. We have no idea how much to bring. Are we supposed to know how to roll a joint? How much pot do you put into a joint? Also does everyone smoke just their own, or do you pool it all together? Is so is it OK to take home left overs?

MM: Generally everyone is left to their own devices on this. If you are brand new to pot, it is OK not to bring any and share with people there. You can also politely say you don’t know how to roll a joint and get help. Usually people will bring anywhere from ¼ oz to ½ oz. depending on the quality and cost. It’s a lot like BYOB. Some people bring Johnny Walker Black while others bring WILD IRISH ROSE. 

As a rule you do not pool all your pot together. To begin with, people take great pride in their score and want to show off their special stash. You are usually expected to fill the bowl from your own stash (or pass your own joint) when your turn comes. It is impolite to “boggart” or hog a joint or pipe that is passed to you. Since you are not pooling your pot, it is OK to take home whatever is left from what you brought, and OK to take home any extra special brownies if it OK with the host.

We are planning a party and would like to invite our minister. Is it OK to offer him a “hit on the bong”? Are they allowed to do that?

MM: My very first high, when I was a freshman in college, was with our campus minister – so for the most part it is allowed by their ordinances or denominations, but whether they will or not is another matter. If they frequently preach against “the sins of alcohol and the flesh”, I would say, probably not. If they preach about the Coming of the Age of Aquarius, I think you’ll find him or her very receptive.

My husband wants to build shelves in our living room to show off his collection of bongs. I think it’s tacky. Now he wants to display all these decorative medicinal bottles of all the different kinds of weed he has. Do you think it’s tacky?

MM: My dear girl, whether it is showing off cars, beer bottles, or stuffed fish Men must have their trophies. Perhaps you can limit him to one particular wall in an out of the way place to put his stuff. 

Supreme Court Strikes Down 1964 Voting rights Act

Fifty years after its' ground breaking passage, the Supreme Court has struck down the 1964 Voting Rights Act. In the majority opinion written by John Scallia, the court stated that Black poeple are not corporations, and therefore by definition, not people, making them ineligible to vote.