Donald Trump’s Acceptance Speech – Fill in the Details for Yourself

For all of you Trump Supporters who are eagerly awaiting Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at this weeks’ RNC, let me save you the suspense. You can go ahead  write your own using this template. Since obviously, you haven’t  heard a word he's said or have a real clue on what he actually believes. So have at it, fill in whatever you want to hear, and skip the real thing.

My Fellow Americans – I accept your nomination for President of the United States, and let me tell you we are going to win sooooo big, it’ll be the largest win you’ve ever seen. Because I am (start confetti machine and balloons ) GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (Pause for cheering)

The very first thing I am going to do as President is  Fill in whatever you want to hear. I’m going to do this and make __Fill in whatever you want to hear. I can do this because I know how to deal with Fill in whatever you want to hear just like I’ve dealt with business people and leaders ALL MY LIFE and they know I get deals done – or their FIRED! (cue cheering and balloons)

My wife Avana, She is going to make such a great First Lady –She’s  going to be the BEST FIRST LADY THAT WE’VE EVER HAD. (Cheers Here)

Family Values – We are going to have the best family values you’ve ever seen. We’re going to make sure that Fill in whatever you want to hear. and then I'm going to Fill in whatever you want to hear. Because I am going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (cue balloons).

And to all you Evangelical Christians, we are going to have the most Evangelical Christian Country there ever was. Because we I am going to Fill in whatever you want to hear with the Radical Muslims and Fill in whatever you want to hear with the Gay’s and Fill in whatever you want to hear with School Prayer and Fill in whatever you want to hear with Transgender Bathrooms and Fill in whatever you want to hear with Political Correctness.

Here is what I am going to about making AMERICA SAFE AGAIN (cheers - cue balloons). We are going to ensure … Fill in whatever you want to hear… with Immigration and Fill in whatever you want to hear with  our Gun Laws, We are going have Law and Order too! Here is what we’re going to do about Law and Order … Fill in whatever you want to hear, because our Police and Military are the GREATEST POLICE AND MILITARY in the world! (Cue cheering)

 And I am going to nominate the GREATEST JUDGES WE’VE EVER HAD, and if they don’t do what I want – I’ll FIRE THEM ALL! (cue cheering)

We are going to be soooo GREAT because I can get this done because I’m going to be the GREATEST PRESIDENT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD. (CUE CHEERRING)

On the Economy. We are going to have the GREATEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD! because here is what I am going to do about that …. Fill in whatever you want to hear. because I KNOW how to make deals and have written the GREATEST BOOK EVER about the ART OF THE DEAL so I KNOW how to MAKE ALL OF YOU RICH! Cue cheering and balloons)

And as for Taxes,  I am a CONSERVATIVE! I am SOOOOO CONSERVATIVE, I AM  THE GREATEST CONSERVATIVE THERE EVER WAS!, and here is what I am going to do about taxes…. Fill in whatever you want to hear, 

I AM GOING TO BE THE GREATEST PRESIDENT  THERE EVER WAS! and Mike Pence is going  to be THE GREATEST VICE PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS. (cue cheering and balloons)

And finally Crooked Hillary is going to get what she deserves! I am going to Fill in whatever you want to hear, and then Fill in whatever you want to hear to her husband too. Because I AM GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

(Cue cheers, band, and BALLOONS)

Enjoy the night - and Blow up your own damned balloons!

Congratulations President Elect Trump from The President of Mexico

Dear President Elect Trump:

                As president of Mexico I wish to be the first to congratulate you on your election to the Presidency of the United States. Acting as President of Mexico, I would like to tell you that we intend to follow through with your campaign pledge to “Build a wall between Mexico and Make the Mexicans Pay for it!”

Let me tell you how we are going to do just that.

As of January 20^th, all persons who carry a US passport unless they can prove that they were legally born in the Republic of Mexico will be required to pay an annual tax of $10,000. Anyone who owns any property in Mexico will be required to pay a monthly tax of $2000.  A 30 day visa will be required for any person not of Mexican Citizenship or without a relative who is a citizen in the Republic to enter into Mexico. The cost of these visas will be $600 per person. Each of these visas will only be valid for 30 days before they must be renewed. Anyone overstaying their visa will be immediately deported.

Any cruise ship entering into Mexican waters will be required to pay a bounty of $200 per passenger. Any goods entering into or leaving Mexico will be subject to a 200% duty. Any airplane with registry in the USA landing in a Mexican airport will be required to pay a $10000 landing tax per flight.

All corporations registered to a company in the United States will be required to pay a corporate tax of  $1,000,000 per year or be subject to seizure. While you may boast of all the companies that will be leaving Mexico to start manufacturing again in the US, let me tell you, our friends in the People’s Republic of China are very eager to take over these same factories that we will seize and nationalize for non-payment. They will then sell you those same goods at your local Walmart store at prices that undercut anything you can produce in your country.

So Mr. President Trump, we look forward to completing your wall. It will certainly help to keep out the steady flow of American’s fleeing your country after the shambles you make of it. So enjoy the view. We will!

Sincerely yours,

Enrique Peña Nieto
President
Republic of Mexico

Congress finally passes a gun control law - Rifle Emoji to be Removed From the Internet

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

In a show of unity and great moral courage Congress finally got a gun control law passed through both Houses of Congress.  It would effectively ban all emoji resembling a rifle from the internet.  The NRA had lobbied hard to block this, but in the end, some Republican Congressmen facing tough  re-election campaigns, conceded and voted to support the bill. Some Congressmen tried to add amendments that would also ban the Rainbow Flag, but these were defeated. Although this important legislation does remove the all import Rifle emoji, it does leave intact the ubiquitous handgun emoji. Opponents say this is just proof that Obama and Clinton want to take away our guns. Trump tweeted that this just gives ISIS more ammunition to carry out terrorist attacks. The NRA posted that they will fight this legislation and move for its immediate repeal.  Meanwhile Democrats are celebrating finally passing effective gun control legislation stating "We all feel safer tonight knowing that the rifle emoji has been banned from the Internet".

New 911 tapes give Orlando Shooters Motive- Hillary Clinton's Emails

In a rambling onesided conversation with Orlando Police the night of the shootings, the killer gave a long list of why he was performing this hideous act. In order of priority:
1. Show support of ISIS
2. Expose Hillary Clinton's emails
3. Expose Hillary Clinton's bungled role in Benghazi
4. Prevent Obama and Clinton from taking away our guns
5. Kill a lot of LGBT people

Trump immediately tweeted that this proves it was Hillary Clinton and Obama's fault.

If Donald Trump Had Written the Preamble to the Constitution

We the people ……. and I don’t mean all those losers in Washington, and Illegal Spaniards who will someday become Mexicans when they declare their Independence from Spain, and Muslims, although they won’t be called that for probably another century, and Indians - like Pocahontas over there –  I mean those people out there who want to Make America Great Again – well actually for the first time since we’re still just a bunch of Colonies now – but the greatest Colonies in the world,…….in order to form a more perfect Union- and let me tell you it’s going to be the greatest Union you have ever seen – No one, and I mean no one will be able to form a better union than I can……. do establish justice – and I will give the greatest justice you have ever seen we’re gonna throw of a lot losers in prison– and we’re gonna have a lot of hangings too! We aren’t going to listen to all those politically correct people strutting around in their powdered wigs telling us what justice is…..insure domestic tranquility, and believe me it will be so tranquil you’ll beg for a little excitement……provide for the common defense,…..and we’re going  to have the greatest army in the world led by the greatest generals, and any country like Spain and England and France try to invade us or challenge us on the high seas, they’re gonna get their asses kicked. promote the general welfare……but not for those losers who can’t make it on their own, or who haven’t gone to my Trump University, and secure the blessings of Liberty and our prosperity, and let me tell you, I know something about prosperity. I  know how to make lots of money, and not just those worthless Continental dollars, but real gold money, and people who go my Trump University can learn how to make this kind of dough too through my carefully planned curriculum and hand picked instructors, do ordain and establish the Constitution….., and it’s the greatest constitution or parchment that has ever been written, except for my book On Secrets To Becoming Rich.

Zoo Keeper knews this Gorilla Could Turn Dangerous

Satirical News Service
Cincinnati, OH

On lookers were horrified when a boy sneaked into an enclosure and approached a 400 lb gorilla. At first it looked like the gorilla was protecting the boy, but when it started to rant and rave, they knew that this gorilla in particular could turn very dangerous at any second and they had no choice but to do what they did.

Gender Neutral Bathrooms in North Carolina