Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Today, the Trump transition team named Air Force General Jack D. Ripper to become the next head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He is most known for his strong views on Fluoridation
and willingness to take extraordinary measures to prevent, in his words, “the
sapping and impurification of our natural bodily fluids”.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
With the election over, Trumpers are speculating on who he picks for cabinet posts (regardless of qualifications), online gaming sites have decided to offer a new game, Fantasy Trump Cabinet. This is an online fantasy game much like Fantasy Football where pundits pick who they think will be posted to Trump’s new cabinet and Supreme Court appointments. Fan Dual and Draft Kings will also offer bets on how long these individuals remain in their new positions before they are fired or resign. Market analysis has shown that this appeals more to Gen Z men than actually following political events or issues.
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
In one of his first moves as President, Donald
Trump has agreed to sell three of the most prized National Parks to Elon Musk,
thus relinquishing any federal control over them. The three parks are Yosemite,
Yellowstone, and The Grand Canyon. Although the sale will need Senate approval, it is expected to be easily passed along the
new Party lines. In his statement about what he intends to do with the parks,
Elon Musk said that admission will now be strictly limited to 1000 people a
day. Their entrance will only be selected by lottery of which includes a
mandatory signing of a petition demanding that Elon Musk be able to decide to do
whatever he wants with National Parks. While Native Americans still own parts
of The Grand Canyon, access in and out of those areas will be strictly limited
to resident inhabitants only. As for other plans, Musk hinted he’d love to see the glory
days of Buffalo hunting brought back to Yellowstone National Park.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
After the “Haitian Eating Pets” and then last night’s “Puerto Rico Island of garbage” comments, the critical stockpile of minorities and groups to offend is getting dangerously low. According to one campaign official, “We had to bring out the 'praising Hitler’s generals comment' which we had kept in reserve since there were still a few Military Veterans who hadn’t been offended by the 'suckers and losers' comments. But now with the Hitler praises used, we are at the point where we just can’t find any new groups and people insult. We are looking into Methodists and Presbyterians, but it’s hard to find insulting things about them. Eskimos are another group we haven’t insulted yet, but who knows what might offend them? We’re asking the public if they know of any good insults for people we have still not offended, please call us at 1-800-INSULT."
Satirical
News Service
New York, New York
Secret service agents assigned to guard former President
Trump received a frantic 911 call stating that onlookers had seen Donald Trump
leaving Trump Towers brandishing a Glock pistol and muttering “I’ll show them I
keep my promises!”
Agents were able to shortly corral a protesting Trump into a vehicle and away from the scene. Requesting anonymity, one of the agents said he was headed for Fifth Avenue to shoot someone to prove what he had stated early in the 2016 campaign, that "he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any support". Recently reports have shown him slipping in the polls and many people voiced concerns about his declining mental state. He indicated he was going to show his base followers that “I mean what I say, and I am the sanest man alive.” I
immediately the Trump Campaign tried to spin this episode with VP candidate Vance going on FOX News to
state “He was only doing this to show his strong support for the Second
Amendment – He certainly had no intention of actually shoot anyone. Let’s focus
on the real issues like Kamala Harris’s claim that she once worked at McDonalds”.
In a statement issued to FOX News today, Trump announced what he would do to end the strike at Boeing Aircraft and answer many concerns about their lack of safety. In his statement he said,
“On day one I
would nationalize Boeing and fire all the striking workers - they’re lazy and incompetent.
I’d replace them all with 13-year-old
boys. Have you ever seen how fast they can assemble one of those plastic
model airplanes? It's incredible! If they can put together one of those, they can assemble a
real airplane. Besides, they are the only ones who can fit in those tiny seats they
plan on putting in all the planes now. Best of all, we'll only pay them $2.50 an hour with no benefits and they'll be thrilled with it. All the
managers would go too. I’d put my best friend Elon 'jumping-jack-flash' Musk in charge of the whole company. He'll Make Flying Great Again!"
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
In response to Donald Trump’s claim that Harris lied about
working a McDonald's, Harris responded by challenging Trump to a McDonald's “shift-off”. The rules would be that each candidate would have to work an entire
shift at one of the more popular McDonalds. They would be required to work just
the two of them and handle all operations that a 16-year-old employee would.
That would include cooking burgers and other items, packing meals, making
fries, and managing the cash register. They would get only 2 15-minute breaks,
and a manager would grade them on how well they fulfilled or did not fulfill
their job duties. Harris said this way Trump could get some idea of what real
people have to do in their low-wage jobs. At the moment, Trump has not yet
responded to the question of whether he will take up the challenge.
