Biden Signs Executive Order Making the White House a Federal Correctional Institution

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In one of his last acts as President, Je Biden signed an executive order making the White House a Correctional Facility  in the US Bureau of Prisons. This act de facto makes Donald Trump’s election as President a sentence of four years in a federal prison. He may, however, be eligible for an early release for bad behavior. Although conjugal visits are permitted, it is very doubtful that Trump will get any from Melania.

Trump Praises Canada’s National Dish After Making Canada the 51st State

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 After Declaring Canada as the 51^st state by Executive Order, he honored Canada by showing off his skill at making Canada’s national favorite dish.

“Did you know that France didn’t invent French fries? Canada did. They put a gravy and cheese curds on it and call it Poontang. Not many people know this. So in honor of Canada’s 51^st statehood, McDonalds will now be renaming their French Fries 'Canada fries' and also offering ‘Poontang’ the way Canadians like it.”

Air Force General Jack Ripper to become the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Today, the Trump transition team named Air Force General Jack D. Ripper to become the next head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He is most known for his strong views on Fluoridation and willingness to take extraordinary measures to prevent, in his words, “the sapping and impurification of our natural bodily fluids”.

On Line Betting and Fantasy Sports Games Now Offering Fantasy Trump Cabinet

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 With the election over, Trumpers are speculating on who he picks for cabinet posts (regardless of qualifications), online gaming sites have decided to offer a new game, Fantasy Trump Cabinet. This is an online fantasy game much like Fantasy Football where pundits pick who they think will be posted to Trump’s new cabinet and Supreme Court appointments. Fan Dual and Draft Kings will also offer bets on how long these individuals remain in their new positions before they are fired or resign. Market analysis has shown that this appeals more to Gen Z men than actually following political events or issues.

Elon Musk to Purchase National Parks

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In one of his first moves as President, Donald Trump has agreed to sell three of the most prized National Parks to Elon Musk, thus relinquishing any federal control over them. The three parks are Yosemite, Yellowstone, and The Grand Canyon. Although the sale will need Senate approval, it is expected to be easily passed along the new Party lines. In his statement about what he intends to do with the parks, Elon Musk said that admission will now be strictly limited to 1000 people a day. Their entrance will only be selected by lottery of which includes a mandatory signing of a petition demanding that Elon Musk be able to decide to do whatever he wants with National Parks. While Native Americans still own parts of The Grand Canyon, access in and out of those areas will be strictly limited to resident inhabitants only. As for other plans, Musk hinted he’d love to see the glory days of Buffalo hunting brought back to Yellowstone National Park.

Trump Campaign In Disarray As It Is Running Out Of People To Offend

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After the “Haitian Eating Pets” and then last night’s “Puerto Rico Island of garbage” comments, the critical stockpile of minorities and groups to offend is getting dangerously low. According to one campaign official, “We had to bring out the 'praising Hitler’s generals comment' which we had kept in reserve since there were still a few Military Veterans who hadn’t been offended by the 'suckers and losers' comments.  But now with the Hitler praises used, we are at the point where we just can’t find any new groups and people insult. We are looking into Methodists and Presbyterians, but it’s hard to find insulting things about them. Eskimos are another group we haven’t insulted yet, but who knows what might offend them? We’re asking the public if they know of any good insults for people we have still not offended, please call us at 1-800-INSULT."

Trump Brandishes a Pistol Outside Trump Tower In New York

 

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

Secret service agents assigned to guard former President Trump received a frantic 911 call stating that onlookers had seen Donald Trump leaving Trump Towers brandishing a Glock pistol and muttering “I’ll show them I keep my promises!”

Agents were able to shortly  corral a protesting Trump into a vehicle and away from the scene. Requesting anonymity, one of the agents said he was headed for Fifth Avenue to shoot someone to prove what he had stated early in the 2016 campaign, that "he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any support". Recently reports have shown him slipping in the polls and many people voiced concerns about his declining mental state.  He indicated he was going to show his base followers that “I mean what I say, and I am the sanest man alive.”  I

immediately the Trump Campaign tried to spin this episode with VP candidate Vance going on FOX News to state “He was only doing this to show his strong support for the Second Amendment – He certainly had no intention of actually shoot anyone. Let’s focus on the real issues like Kamala Harris’s claim that she once worked at McDonalds”.