Putin claims Alaska Rightfully Belongs to Russia

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Vladimir Putin issued a communique yesterday indicating that Alaska, which was purchased by the US in 1867, rightfully belongs to Russia. He stated that the Czar Alexander II was swindled by Seward into selling it, and that the signature on the treaty was signed by his aides using an “autopen device,” making it invalid. While he hopes that the US will peacefully transfer the Alaskan territory to Russia, he has not ruled out the use of force. American citizens currently living in Alaska will be given the chance to become Russian citizens or leave within 30 days. Anyone who protests will be forcibly relocated to Siberia on the Russian mainland. Trump has yet to respond.

Trump Offers a Final Solution to Rising Healthcare Costs

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a Press conference today, Trump showed off his solution to rising healthcare costs. He unveiled the "Trump Final Farewell Machine" that Trump Enterprises and Elon Musk will be manufacturing. Medicare recipients and other heavy users of Healthcare services will be offered a choice of either being cut off completely, or voluntarily enrolling in his “Final Farewell” program. This will be freeing them permanently (and the US) from any further medical costs. It will also save the US billions of dollars spent on high users of medical services. Prisons and mental institutions will also utilize these for their elderly and feeble inmates, although their participation will not be voluntary.

Trump Announces Plans to Turn Arlington National Cemetery into an Amusement Park and Casino

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a major address today, Trump announced plans to turn Arlington National Cemetery into an amusement park. In his speech, Trump said,

 “Right now Elon tells me that there is this vast stretch of land right next to the beltway filled with dead people that is doing nothing. People just come there to cry. I’m going to make it the happiest place in America. Today, I am announcing that Arlington National Cemetery will soon become Trumpland Amusement Park and Casino featuring attractions showing how I have made America great.

You won’t find any transgender mice here handing out those stupid hats with mouse ears here either. Instead, you’ll be greeted by real American patriots handing out MAGA hats. Then head on over to the Drill Baby Drill attraction where you’ll be whisked on a train ride through actual working oil drilling rigs –watch out now for occasional gushers! Next head on over to the Jeffery Epstein Tunnel of Underage Love where you’ll ride on a romantic boat ride. For a little extra we’ll even provide you with a real underaged escort. Just remember, “what happens in the Epstien tunnel of love, stays there". Then it’s over to the Donald Trump caberet show where you’ll learn all of my famous dance moves, and MC’d by Kanyee West. Then pause by the monument to the patriots of January 6^th who bravely marched peacefully to the capitol to take back their stolen election only to be greeted by violent capitol police and secret service. You’ll tear up when you see those brave souls cast in bronze holding up the Trump Fight Fight Fight banner flag. Then saunter over to the Chamber of Witch Hunt Trials where scenes of my persecution by venegeful prosecutors and judges are animatronically acted out. You shiver in horror at all the injustice your poor president was subjected to before finally leaving that chamber into the daylight featuring roaring crowds as I am re-elected by the largest mandate in US history. Are you up for a little wild adventure. How about riding the Joe Biden economic rollercoaster. You scream at each twist and turn as the economy goes through dip after dip before finally coasting into the loving arms of a giant statue of yours truly. How about a little golf? Try your skill on the Arnold Palmer long putt 9^th hole. Then wander through Melania’s magic castle and hear how that lovely princess longs for her prince to rescue her as she remains imprisoned there by a magic Prenup spell that forbids her to leave. Gaze into the magic mirror where the mirror will always say "Trump is the greatest of them all". For those lucky exclusive Trump Gold Card holders, come on down to the Trump Casino – exclusive to Gold Card Citizenship holders who post a 5 million dollar entrance fee can take their chances with a night a casino gambling. Lots of great Trump merch there too! So America, instead of looking at a bunch of headstones of suckers and losers just lying there in unproductive land. You’ll have the Trump Amusement Park. One thing you’ll come away with – Hell will hold no surprises, haha."

Mexico Reveals WMD that it is Prepared to Unleash Against US Traffickers of Weapons

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum revealed today in secret negotiations with Trump, that Mexico has also developed WMD's that they were prepared to unleash against smugglers of weapons from the US. Since Texas and Florida are the two largest suppliers of these, the out-cry from their Congressmen was deafening. 

The WMD's that Sheinbaum referred to was a large trebuchet capable of hurling a full case of un-ripe Avacados. Anyone on the receiving end of these would be seeing stars or worse for weeks. Upon learning this Trump decided to back down for a month till he could come up with a new stupid plan.

 

Danish PM warns Trump of Their Own Secret WMD

 

Satirical News Service
Copenhagen, Denmark

In response to Trump’s constant threats to annex Greenland to the United States, the Danish PM unveiled their own secret weapon that they could unleash upon American troops if they “set one foot on Greenland”. She then unveiled warehouses filled with small Lego pieces. And Lego soldiers These would be loaded into planes and unleashed literally at the feet of American invaders.

“Unlike your typical plastic ones, these Legos are made of grade carbon fiber and have porcupine-like spikes that can pierce through even kevlar. If you’ve ever accidently stepped on one you know the feeling. We also have thousands of Lego airplanes that can be assembled in minutes by school-aged children that can rain these weapons down on you. So beware Mr. Trump, we will not hesitate to use this weapon. Go back to invading Canada or Mexico and leave Greenland alone.”

External Revenue Service to send 1040 forms to All Mexican Citizens to Pay for Wall

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

One of the first acts of Trump’s newly created “External Revenue Service” will be to mail out 1040 forms to every Mexican citizen in Mexico. This is being done so that Trump can fulfill his promise made in 2016 that "Mexico will pay for his border wall". It is uncertain exactly how this is going to be enforced. Meanwhile, Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum has sent out notices to all Taco Bells in the US that Mexico will now charge their own excise tax on all items sold in its locations in the US.

Exclusive From Homeland Security Digest

 

Dear Jose, Maria, and Pepino

                You have been automatically entered in our Homeland Security Digest Sweepstakes to win an all-expense paid one-way ticket back to your native shithole country. Simply fill out the form and send it to ICE, Washington, DC. If you’re one of the lucky winners, Kristi Noem will be appearing at your door with ICE agents to haul you and your family away to that Crime-filled, disease-ridden shithole place that you came from. Don’t wait till we have to come and find you.

Donald Trump