Trump Campaign In Disarray As It Is Running Out Of People To Offend

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After the “Haitian Eating Pets” and then last night’s “Puerto Rico Island of garbage” comments, the critical stockpile of minorities and groups to offend is getting dangerously low. According to one campaign official, “We had to bring out the 'praising Hitler’s generals comment' which we had kept in reserve since there were still a few Military Veterans who hadn’t been offended by the 'suckers and losers' comments.  But now with the Hitler praises used, we are at the point where we just can’t find any new groups and people insult. We are looking into Methodists and Presbyterians, but it’s hard to find insulting things about them. Eskimos are another group we haven’t insulted yet, but who knows what might offend them? We’re asking the public if they know of any good insults for people we have still not offended, please call us at 1-800-INSULT."

Trump Brandishes a Pistol Outside Trump Tower In New York

 

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

Secret service agents assigned to guard former President Trump received a frantic 911 call stating that onlookers had seen Donald Trump leaving Trump Towers brandishing a Glock pistol and muttering “I’ll show them I keep my promises!”

Agents were able to shortly  corral a protesting Trump into a vehicle and away from the scene. Requesting anonymity, one of the agents said he was headed for Fifth Avenue to shoot someone to prove what he had stated early in the 2016 campaign, that "he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any support". Recently reports have shown him slipping in the polls and many people voiced concerns about his declining mental state.  He indicated he was going to show his base followers that “I mean what I say, and I am the sanest man alive.”  I

immediately the Trump Campaign tried to spin this episode with VP candidate Vance going on FOX News to state “He was only doing this to show his strong support for the Second Amendment – He certainly had no intention of actually shoot anyone. Let’s focus on the real issues like Kamala Harris’s claim that she once worked at McDonalds”.

Trump Announces Plan to Nationalize Boeing And Replace Strikers With 13 Year-Olds

 Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a statement issued to FOX News today, Trump announced what he would do to end the strike at Boeing Aircraft and answer many concerns about their lack of safety. In his statement he said, 

“On day one I would nationalize Boeing and fire all the striking workers - they’re lazy and incompetent. I’d replace them all with 13-year-old boys. Have you ever seen how fast they can assemble one of those plastic model airplanes? It's incredible! If they can put together one of those, they can assemble a real airplane. Besides, they are the only ones who can fit in those tiny seats they plan on putting in all the planes now. Best of all, we'll only pay them $2.50 an hour with no benefits and they'll be thrilled with it. All the managers would go too. I’d put my best friend Elon 'jumping-jack-flash' Musk in  charge of the whole company. He'll Make Flying Great Again!"

Harris Challenges Trump to Work a McDonalds Shift

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In response to Donald Trump’s claim that Harris lied about working a McDonald's, Harris responded by challenging Trump to a McDonald's “shift-off”. The rules would be that each candidate would have to work an entire shift at one of the more popular McDonalds. They would be required to work just the two of them and handle all operations that a 16-year-old employee would. That would include cooking burgers and other items, packing meals, making fries, and managing the cash register. They would get only 2 15-minute breaks, and a manager would grade them on how well they fulfilled or did not fulfill their job duties. Harris said this way Trump could get some idea of what real people have to do in their low-wage jobs. At the moment, Trump has not yet responded to the question of whether he will take up the challenge.

Other Religons Want Equal Credit For Trump's Loss

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In the wake of Trump’s recent remark stating “If I lose it’ll be because of Jewish voters”, Religious leaders from across the spectrum expressed outrage.

“Why should Jewish voters get all the credit?" stated one Presbyterian pastor, “Many of our faith  hate him equally and want some credit for his defeat”. Another minister from the Unitarian Church  expressed equal sentiments “These days the Jews seem to always be in the spotlight for everything. We Unitarians have been working very diligently to dump the Trump”. Even Hindus and Atheists are outraged and said if Trump loses they want a share of the credit as well. 

Lord of the Vance

 

Lord of the Vance

I named him as my VP to the RNC

I know he’d be obedient to no one but me

He took center stage and appeared on TV

And no one could believe he was crazier than me

Vance, Vance wherever you may be

Calling out Cat ladies and Haitian Refugees

He criticizes the media and the Press at every chance

Since I am the Lord over JD Vance

 

He is a more extreme running mate everyone will vouch

I just keep him away from dogs and the living room couch

And when it comes to weirdness there is no one he can’t beat

Especially with his comments on what Haitians eat

Vance, Vance you really have them rolling

Just watch my numbers rise as the polls keep on polling

He’s my useful fool,  and I’ll use him every chance

For I am the Lord over JD Vance

RFK Jr. Takes Exception to Vance’s Remarks About Eating Neighbor’s Pets

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 RFK Jr. today took sharp exception to VD Vance’s recent remarks about Haitian Immigrants in Springfield, Ohio eating family and neighbor’s pets.

“There is nothing wrong with eating your domesticated family pet, although I would stop at eating your neighbor’s without their permission. Pets are humanly raised and free from hormones and other additives found in the highly processed foods at local grocery stores. They can be an exceptional healthy source of protein. There are many feral cats and dogs just running around neighborhoods presenting both a safety and health hazard as well as a great tax burden for having to create and maintain “No-Kill” animal shelters, or euthanizing and cremating these animals when they could be used for food. Many other countries do this and save their taxpayers millions of dollars."