Senate Republicans Acquit Coronavirus of Charges that It Has Infected People

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a vote along party lines, more than 50 Republican Senators voted to acquit the Coronavirus of all charges that it is causing a pandemic by infecting people. In a statement by Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, he stated, “All the evidence that this so-called Coronavirus infects people is based entirely on hear-say evidence and deep-state epidemiologists who just want to discredit the President for such a great job he is doing with the economy. It’s just another witch-hunt and an effort by the Democrats to try to take funding away from our vitally needed border wall. Next, they’ll want to require everyone to wear surgical masks.” 

Even more moderate Republicans said “Sure it’s a bad virus, but that certainly doesn’t warrant eradication.”

Meanwhile, Trump is sending Mike Pence on a “fact-finding” tour to all the infected regions where the virus hit hardest. He will be going into isolation wards carrying only a Bible and without any protective gear, to prove that the Virus only affects non-Christian people.

In other news, Bernie Sanders came out to say that under his plan “any American can get the Coronavirus from anyone without any out of pocket expenses”.