You Could be a Winner of an Official Coronavirus Testing Kit!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With testing kits for Coronavirus nationwide now in critical short supply, Trump has directed HHS director Alex Azar to treat it like a reality game show. He has hired the firm that runs the famous Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes to randomly pick homes throughout the country to give them Coronavirus tests.

Azar stated, “This game show atmosphere should help calm fears that it is spreading as it is unlikely that the randomly selected people will actually have contracted the virus. Our camera crew will be there in full fanfare as we ring the doorbell with flowers and balloons to tell the homeowners that they’ve been selected as a lucky winner of the CDC Coronavirus test. Of course, Federal Agents will be standing by to take them into ‘protective quarantine’ should they refuse. We’ll have the camera rolling to capture their relieved expressions when they get the results – which we fully expect to be negative. Of course should the unthinkable happen and someone actually does test positive, the scene will be cut and men in hazmat suits will immediately quarantine off the entire area and the entire block will be evacuated to a federal quarantine center."