Satirical News Service
Columbus, Ohio
After
claiming that he was the one that brought back football in last night’s debate,
he contacted the head coach of Ohio State to demand that he quarterback the
upcoming game.
Here is a recap of that game
Saturday’s game was certainly unprecedented by any standards of play. Trump waddled out onto the field refusing to wear any protective gear or helmet. The coaches urged him to study the playbook, but he claimed to know more about football than any of the coaches. He refused to participate in any of the huddles. In the first quarter, he fumbled the ball 4 times resulting in the opposing team scoring two touchdowns within five minutes. When he actually tried to pass the ball, it was intercepted two out the three times with the third time incomplete. When the defensive team came onto the field Trump also demanded to call the play resulting in another touchdown. In the next offensive play, trump was sacked immediately and then went on a 5-minute tirade caught on mike blaming everyone on his defensive line as being slackers who didn’t know the first thing about football and was surprised that the college even accepted them. The next play the defensive line basically “sat down” letting the opposing defensive line pile onto Trump. He then demanded that the referee call a penalty for roughing-the-passer. After they refused, he went on another extended tirade calling all the referees fake and biased against his team. He insulted them personally calling their wives ugly and kids retarded. After a few minutes of this Trump was thrown out of the game, but refused to leave until the biggest linemen from both teams hauled him kicking and screaming off the field. Ohio State said they would concede the game and promised to ban him from college football forever. Trump later went on twitter claiming to have won the game by the largest margin in the history of football solely due to his incredible playing that “No one thought I knew anything about football”.
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