Satirical News Service
Washington DC
A rare document has
surfaced recently containing the transcript of a military tribunal held after the Southern Arm's surrender at Appomattox to determine if Confederate General P.T. Beauregard
was liable in issuing the order to fire upon Fort Sumter. This act is credited for starting the
American Civil War in 1861.
Beauregard’s defense was that he did not give an actual
order to “Fire!” since he was not a serving member of the United States Army,
but only acting as a member of a paramilitary group that was standing up for their Second
Amendment rights. When he told his supporters who were gathered at the battery
in Charleston Harbor that April morning in 1861, to “give em
shot and shell”, he meant that only figuratively, meaning “stand up for your
Second Amendment Rights to bear arms” and not literally. Although he used the
phrase “Fire boys”, numerous times, he was
only uttering a cheer of encouragement to his fellow militiamen. The fact that
they were standing in front of loaded cannons pointed at Fort Sumter and took
his statement literally is no fault of his. Besides, the real perpetrators were
Union sympathizers who actually wanted a Civil war to bring down those States that supported States Rights.
The findings of the tribunal were never revealed as then
President Johnson threw out all charges and convictions against Southern
Generals who fought against the Union.
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