That Midnight Train to Gitmo

That Midnight Train to Gitmo
(in honor of the passage of the 2011 Defense Appropriations Bill
with apologies to Gladys Knight and the Pips)

Islamabad proved too much for the man,
So he's leavin' the life he's come to know,
He said he's goin' back to find
Ooh, what's left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago.
He's leaving,
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,
And he's goin'
To a place without a date and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,

I'd rather live in this world
Than let terrorists live in mine.
So he keeps on dreamin'
That someday he'd be freed.
But he sure found out the hard way
That the Bill of Rights ain’t always true.
So we sold out all our hopes
and he even our basic rights too.
And bought a one way ticket
To a lifetime sentence new,
Oh yes we did,
He said he would
Be leavin
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,
And he's goin'
To a place without a date and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,

I'd rather live in this new world
Than live with him in mine.
Go, gonna board, gonna board,
Gonna board the midnight plane.
Gotta go, gonna board
Gonna board
Gonna board the midnight plane to Gitmo

A Better Idea for Newt Gingrich on Giving Poor Kids a “Work Ethic”

Newt Gingrich has floated the idea that Child Labor laws should be scrapped so that under-privileged school age children could get janitorial jobs at their school in order to learn a work ethic that they cannot achieve because “there are no role models in their poor housing project environments”. To some degree I agree with Newt, but he’s got it backwards. The best way for poor inner city school age kids to gain that valuable “work ethic”, so much the ethos of the “American Way of Life ,is to employ them not as $3.15 an hour janitors (minimum wage laws do not apply here), but as $30,000 per hour “Historians” and “Advisors” to huge corporations like Freddy Mac, BP oil, and Bank of America. That way they’d really get a taste of what is like to be very rich and over privileged without having to get your hands dirty or pay much in the way of taxes. They could write papers for their wages like “Why I think that knowingly selling worthless bonds to customers is a bad idea”, or “Why ignoring basic safety regulations might cause huge oil spills”, or “Why telling lies about the financial health of your company might not be such a good idea”. These jobs are well within the capabilities of a fourth or fifth grader. With a $30,000 per hour salary could, it would really give them something to aspire to let alone help get them out of poverty.

Meanwhile I would also suggest that lobbyists, politicians, and corporate executives could work as school janitors for sub-minimum wages since in their gated community housing environment they aren’t exposed to unemployed people or real working people who can’t even make poverty level wages.

Captured Pilot of Unmanned Plane Shot down by Iran Confess to Spying for the US.

Satirical News Service
Tehran, Iran

In television images today from Tehran, that evoked memories of Gary Powers in the U2 debacle in the 1960’s, the Iranian government today showed off the captured pilot of the RQ-170 unmanned American spy plane they claim was shot down by its armed forces. In a hastily staged trial, the pilot readily confessed that he was a US spy and his mission was to spy on the sovereign nation of Iran. Pentagon officials believe that this confession came only after hours of grueling torture like the type shown in the image above.

While the US admits to having such un-manned aircraft, they have refused to admit responsibility for the mission or the pilot.

Mysterious Powerball Winner Plans to Buy Greece

Satirical News Service

Hartford, Connecticut

The mysterious powerball winner in the Connecticut Powerball Lottery, shown here fronted by three wealthy bank executives, stated today that although he was sorry the 254 million dollars wasn't as much as his bonus this year, he still plans to put the money to good use and buy the country of Greece. When asked why, he stated he felt sorry for all those wealthy Greek shipping magnets who now are feeling the hardship of actually having to pay taxes for the first time in their lives. "I plan to make Greece a tax haven for the rich so that the wealthy 1%'ers will always have a place to go and never have to pay a cent in taxes."

ABC, FOX, and CBS all see possibilities in “Black Friday Reality Show”

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

November 24, 2011

Inspired by this year’s mayhem at the start of “Black Friday” sales, Network TV executives are planning to launch new reality shows around this so-called event. Fox TV is planning on coming out with “Extreme Shopper” in which 500 shoppers must run thru a maze of isles to get the one $100 40 inch flat screen TV or single ipad for $25. Anything goes and TV exec are hoping to capitalize on the extreme factor.

Not to be outdone, CBS is planning “Survivor Big Box Store” where contestants must battle each other to obtain the few discounted deals. The losers get kicked out of the store and have to pay full retail!

Meanwhile ABC is planning the Great Shopping Mall Race where contestants must race through shopping malls on Black Friday armed only with brass knuckles and pepper spray to ward off desperate shoppers to get to the great deals. The TV ratings for such shows are expected to be the highest ever.

Republican Hopefuls Affirm The Equal Right To Be Waterboarded

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

In last night’s debate many of the Republican presidential hopefuls re-affirmed their stance on the equal right of anyone to be waterboarded. As one candidate stated, “According to recent studies it is well known that only early detection can prevent terrorism. This simple procedure can root out the early signs even before the individual is aware of them, and prevent that person’s unpatriotic and radical thoughts from progressing to acts of terrorism. That is why I support the right for everyone regardless of race, nationality, or economic circumstances to have free and unhindered access to waterboarding that could detect early on signs that could lead to acts of terror.”

My Mine-Mine-Mine Plan for 2012

It is estimated that this upcoming election in 2012 candidates and PACs will spend more than 400 million dollars, and that is only what is on top of the table and not under it. Sheesh, that could fund a lot of healthcare or debt pay down, depending on your whims. So I want to tell you now that this election, I’m cutting out the middle man. It’s time we returned to the good old days of politics when true democracy prevailed and a dollar and a good stiff drink could buy a vote directly. It’s time we returned to the time of great Presidents like Ulysses S Grant and Warren G Harding who knew the value of a good bribe. So if you are reading this Koch Brothers, and Warren Buffet forget about giving those overpriced PAC’s and Political Parties your hardly-earned-tax-break dollars. I ain’t watching anymore of your vitriolic ads showing Mother Teresa lashing out against Obama’s Tax policies, or Republican’s giving arsenic laced candy to minority children to try to get my vote. This election, I want the cash directly! As the old saying goes “money talks, or nobody walks”. My starting bid for buying my vote is $250 for President, and $100 per Congressman. Since after this election I figure I’ll be sleeping under a bridge anyway, I might as well get something out of it for myself. So send those “contributions” directly to me in the form of cash or money order, and come November whoever pays me the most, gets my vote. That’s the American way!