Deep Ocean Search for Flight MH370 uncovers huge pile of un-matched socks

Satirical News ServiceSydney, Australia

The search for missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 under the Indian Ocean, now deemed to be the most expensive in aviation history, has failed to uncover any signs of the plane or black box. It has however uncovered a strange find. Scattered over several miles of the ocean floor appear to be millions of single un-matched socks. Authorities are completely mystified as to where they came from and how they got to such a remote place.

South Carolina Extends Gun Rights To The Unborn

Satirical News Service
Charleston, South Carolina

After passing a new Stand Your Ground Law to include protecting fetuses, South Carolina legislators have proposed a new law to extend gun ownership rights to the unborn. In a press statement one state legislator said “We call it the Stand Your Womb Law. We feel that the laws to protect the rights of the unborn just don’t work. It’s time that we give fetuses the right to defend themselves! “

Under this law a parent of a minor, boyfriend, or spouse of the mother could compel a doctor to surgically implant a small handgun into the uterus of the pregnant mother.” Should any Obamacare doctor or Planned parenthood witch try to come after this fetus, they are going to get a load of lead!”

The NRA is solidly behind this since it extends second Amendment rights to the unborn. It has also united anti-abortion groups and pro-gun groups who now claim that abortion is just another attempt to take away our guns. Maternity T-shirts are already appearing with the slogan “If they want to take away my gun, they’ll have to pry it out of my unformed hands!”

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New evidence shows that Pilot of Missing Malaysia Flight Avid Fan of "Lost"

In a stunning revelation authorities have uncovered that the pilot of Malaysia Flight 370 was an avid view of the TV show LOST. Speculation now runs high that he may have been searching for that missing island when he went "missing".

Fluoridation of Water Blamed for Poor Performance of US Skaters in SOCHI Olympics

Satirical News Service
Sochi, Russia

The USA, which normally dominates skating events in the Winter Olympics, has performed unexpectedly poorly. With millions of dollars in revenue riding on these events, it is no small matter.

According the USA team skating coach Jack Ripper (retired USAF)  the problem stems from the Russian’s use of Fluoride in the water to make the ice for the skating and Hockey events. “It’s incredibly obvious”, quoted Ripper, “Introduce a foreign substance into the water without the knowledge of the individual athlete, and certainly without a choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core Russkie works!”

The IOC is looking into these allegations. 

Florida Legislature Acts Quickly to Regulate Playing of Loud Music

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

Following the verdict in the Michael Dunn Case after the tragic “stand your ground” shooting of a Florida teenager in a parking lot, Florida legislatures acted quickly to prevent this from happening again.  The Republican House Speaker was quoted as saying “There is no reason that people should possess large numbers of downloaded music files and have the unrestricted right to play them openly in public at high volumes threatening the lives of Florida citizens.” He  went on the propose a 10 day waiting period before being able to download more than 4 songs a day, background checks on any person owning an ipod or MP3 player, and a law mandating that all MP3 and ipod devices be equipped with volume regulator devices to prevent them from playing at more than 6 decibels. "While these measures may seem overly restrictive to some Americans, we feel it is the only way we can protect our gun loving citizens who might feel threatened by this, and force them to have to stand their ground using deadly force."  

Hundreds of Flights Delayed out of New Jersey After Super Bowl- Christie Declares “Weather Emergency”.

Satirical News Service
Rutherford, New Jersey

Airlines today cancelled hundreds of flights, most of them originating out of New Jersey, following the conclusion of the Super Bowl preventing many travelers from returning home from that fair state. Governor Christie declared a “weather emergency” despite balmy 40 degree temperatures. Aides to the governor were seen placing cones on runways preventing planes from taking off or landing.  According tone  aide who would not be identified, Governor Christie was said to have muttered “Bad mouth me  and you’ll see what you get!” It is still uncertain when normal flight operations will resume.