Latest Trump Twitter Feed puts Nation at Defcon 3 briefly

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

The Nation briefly went to Defcon 3 - the highest national threat alert since the end of the Cold War after President Trump tweeted that he could launch a nuclear attack against Pyongyang and his base would still love him. He was alluding to a statement he made once on the campaign trail in which he stated that "...I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue in New York City and my base would still support me".
John Kelly was immediately contacted by the joint chiefs of staff wondering "WFT was going on". After several frantic calls to Chinese diplomats and NATO, and back channels to North Korea, the alert was scaled back.

Trump Planned To Fulfill Another Campaign Promise – Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Early this morning Chief of Staff John Kelly received and urgent call from Trump’s Secret service agents saying they were currently restraining Trump and needed Kelly to get over to Trump Towers Immediately. According to sources close to Trump, after Tweeting that his base was bigger than ever, was seen leaving Trump towers with a loaded Winchester stating 

“I’m going to fulfill another of my campaign promises today and go out on 5^th Avenue and shoot someone -  and my base will still love me”.

Secret Service Agents immediately restrained the protesting President Trump until John Kelly arrived, and told Trump that in no uncertain terms could he do this. 

One Fish Two Fish.....

With apologies to Dr. Suess

One fish, Two fish

My Fish, You Fish

Say what a lot of Fish we catch

What a lot of Plots we hatch

This one has such tiny fins

Much too small to keep in tins

We keep him anyway on the line

And reel him in from time to time

And if it fights us, we’ll yank back

And reveal what he knows about election hacks

This Trump fish we catch won’t get away

He’s on our hook and there he’ll stay.

Putin Fires Trump; Says He’s Very Disappointed With His Disloyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a startling shake up at the Kremlin, Putin today fired Donald Trump saying he was extremely disappointed with Trump for not showing the kind of loyalty he expected. This comes just days after Trump signed the bill authorizing sanctions against Russia.

 In a statement Putin said “After all I did to get him elected, you’d think he’d show a lot more loyalty. As of today, he’s out! You know people around me who are disloyal to me don’t usually last very long. I’ll now be looking for a new U.S. President and expect a lot more loyalty from him.”

Trump Orders New Addition To Vietnam War Memorial

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump signed an executive order today ordering the National Parks Service to add an addition to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington DC to honor those who would have fought (and won the war BIGLY) had they not been prevented from going by crippling "bone spurs" in their feet. So far only one person fits this memorial.

Trump signs Executive order repealing ALL healthcare.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today just tweeted that he is repealing by executive order ALL healthcare in the United States until Congress passes his repeal of Obamacare. In his tweet he indicated that he has ordered all pharmacies, hospitals and clinics closed until Congress acts on repealing Obamacare.

Brain Scan Reveals Strange Malignant Tumor in John McCain

Brain scan of John McCain revealing odd shaped tumor

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital today revealed that John McCain has a large malignant brain tumor. It is suspected that it has been growing there since last summer and might account for his recent bizarre speeches and support of policies that went totally against his previous positions.