Kim's Reply to "Great Satisfaction Letter"

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After receiving what Kim stated was a "very satisfactory letter" from Donald Trump, he replied in kind. Satirical News Service has obtained a copy

My Dearest Donald

                How I long to again be in your strong embrace. I sorrow to hear of your troubles with those intransigent Democrats. If only you will lift those nasty sanctions on us and give up your ridiculous idea of denuclearization, I will happily do for you the following

1.      I will send 10,000 slave laborers to build your beloved wall so you will not need the 5.8 billion US dollars your ungrateful Congress will not give you. I will also send 2000 armed guards to make sure they stay in line. When the wall is done you can either deport them back to North Korea or Kill them – either way, you will get your wall.
2.      I will send my own personal hit teams to kill Nancy Pelosi and all of her family as well as Robert Schumer’s and any other member of Congress who opposes you. I will take care of all of this.
3.    I will also have Robert Mueller and his family killed as well as Michael Cohen.
4.     You can come and deliver your State of the Union address and any other dictates right from my own personal podium here in North Korea.

Please say yes to this my beloved.

Your’s Truly.

Kim Jong Un

White House sources confirmed that Trump thought Kims reply marked great progress in their on-going relationship.

Trump Declares National Emergency Over Space Invaders from Ultima Thule

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In the latest episode of the “Build the Wall” saga. President Trump today tweeted.

“I have seen solid evidence from NASA that Ultima Thule is preparing to send a caravan of Space Invaders to try to enter our country illegally from our Southern Border. THIS IS A NATIONAL EMERGENCY! I have directed the Pentagon to release the funds that we have asked for to create our New National Space Force, and use those funds to BUILD MY CONCRETE WALL!”

NASA says there is no such thing, but suggest instead that they send Trump himself to negotiate with the Space Aliens there – immediately.

Pope Francis Demands Bigger Wall for Vatican – Vows to shut down the City if I don’t Get My Wall”

Satirical News Service
Rome, Italy

After President Trump specifically mentioned that “the Vatican has a wall” in his latest tirade, Pope Francis demanded that the Vatican build a bigger wall similar to the one Trump is suggesting along the Southern US border.  

“We need a bigger beautiful wall to surround our city. Right now hordes of Protestants, Jews, Buddhists, and even  Muslims can simply walk into our city. The only thing that protects us here are some guards in clown suits with spears. I am asking the Church for 5.6 billion dollars that we would normally use to feed the poor and set up educational programs be taken and used to build my big beautiful wall. If I don’t get it – I’ll close down this city. Let the bishops squabble – After all, I AM THE POPE!”

Artist Christo to Create “Border Wall”. Mexico to Contribute To Cost.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a last ditch effort to save face and placate his “base” against a rising tide of anger over his shutting down the government to fund his wall, Trump today announced that he has commissioned the artist Christo to “build his beautiful wall” – out of fabric. According to White House sources, it will be called “A Wall” and will be 30 feet high and made entirely of thin opaque fabric much like a similar piece he created Titled “Running Fence” in 1976. Instead of 5 billion dollars, the cost will be approximately 10 million dollars. The White House said funds will come from the National Endowment for the Arts, but a portion of it will also come from the government of Mexico as an “Art project jointly sponsored by Mexico and the USA to symbolize the need for secure borders”.  Mexico agreed to contribute funding to this as long as there are no further efforts “to build that ridiculous wall he keeps talking about”. While some Republicans are furious, the vast majority and all Democrats are relieved to finally be able to “put this tantrum behind us”.

Government Workers Start Go-Fund-Me fund to Deport Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Saying they are sick and tired of being held hostage to Trump’s Border Wall funding, government workers have started a GO-FUND-ME fund to Deport Donald Trump. So far it has raised more than $2 million. One worker who donated a week’s salary said: “We’d all love to see him on the other side of his stupid border wall.”

Trump Vows To Shoot Someone On 5th Avenue If He Doesn’t Get Funding For His Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In another bizarre twist to the Wall Funding Saga, Donald Trump today tweeted that he would make good on his campaign statement to “shoot someone on 5^th Avenue” if he does not get the 5 billion dollars in funding for his Border Wall. This alludes to a statement he made in 2016 that “ I could go out tomorrow and shoot someone in the middle of 5^th Avenue and my base will still support me…”

Trump went on to tweet, "While I am sorry it has to come to this, Our Border Security needs must come first. If someone has to die for me to get it, hopefully, an illegal immigrant or Muslim, well, so be it. I  have no doubt that my base will support me completely and send a message to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Congress that I mean business!”

Mitch McConnell, stated in response to hearing of this tweet “Sometime supreme sacrifices are needed in the pursuit of Freedom….and while I certainly hope it does not come to this, the President knows what he is doing, and I support him.”

John Kelly, the out-going chief-of-staff, could not be found to comment. It is rumored that he is hiding out somewhere in western Virginia,  speaking to lawyers about cutting a plea deal to avoid being implicated in a conspiracy to commit murder charges that might arise.

Trump Names Hillary Clinton to Become His New Chief of Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a move that took all of Washington by complete surprise, Donald Trump today announced that he was naming Hillary Clinton to become his new chief of staff, replacing outgoing John Kelly. In a Press conference, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated “This is a bold move by the president to promote unity between the two parties and mend the animosity that has grown because of the fictitious Russian Meddling that absolutely did not happen. It is hoped that this will put an end to that witch hunt and that both parties can now work together to pass Mr. Trump's agenda.”

Privately however anonymous aides have said that this whole administration is a house of cards ready to collapse at any minute. We need a good scapegoat and Hillary Clinton certainly fills that bill. It worked once before and can work again when we put all the blame on her. Besides she’s a Democrat and everyone already in our party wants to lock her up.

Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.