Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Washington DC
In an effort
to focus attention on “What a great job he’s doing with the economy AND
responding to re-opening up America”. Trump has proposed tying the amount of
social distancing required to the Dow
Jones Industrial Average. This would be an inverse proportion so that the
higher the DJ average goes, the LESS you would need to social distance. If it should drop, however, the distance you
would have to social distance would increase. That way people can start to feel
secure about going into public places and interacting with their neighbors
knowing that as the economy improves, the less distance they have to maintain between
themselves.
Businesses are quite perplexed by this since they
have already invested significant time and effort placing taped markers on the
floors to indicate spacing between people, and have re-arranged seating in public
places accordance with current DCD guidelines. “With the target constantly
shifting, it’s going to be very confusing to people as to how much distance to
allow between them. They’ll have to be constantly looking at the stock tickers
to know whether to increase it or decrease it”, said one business owner.
Republicans are overwhelming in support of this,
even though it makes zero sense scientifically. It re-focuses America’s
attention on getting our economy, as measured by the Dow Jones, up again, and
rewarding all Americans when it does well.
The CDC declines to comment on this.
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