A new scroll has just turned up that speaks about a rally held by King Herod to his loyal followers shortly before the crucifixion of Jesus.
It’s so great to be here in Judea among my loyal followers. Some people, and I won’t say who say that I should be impeached and Jesus should be made King of the Jews. What do you think of that idea?!” (Boos from crowd). Right! He’ll want all of you to start walking around the desert barefoot while he supposedly “talks to GOD”. My followers know that his teaching will lead to ruin. Our allies in Rome are the best way for us to keep our flowing economy going. Already animal sacrifices are way up, and the money changers are having their best year ever. Do you want all that to change? ("No’s" from the crowd). And how about his idea of giving loaves and fishes to the poor – do you think he can magically make them appear? No, he’s going to raise your taxes for it! (Boo's from the crowd). Taxes on you the middle class. My administration has done more than any other King in history. Look at our great big beautiful temple. We’re going to build an even Yuger one – with an even BIGGER WALL to pray at! My donors love that. They say “Herod Can we build that Wall?” What do I say back to them? “ (Crowd chants “Build that wall! Build that wall!). Right! How about that lie he tells people about being “born of virgin birth”. Like, right, Mary was soooo pure….!” Common, we all know what she really was! (crowd chants something unrepeatable). Right! And how about those followers of his – What a bunch of total losers! Simon is an idiot, Peter can’t make a living even catching fish, and then there is the whore Mary Magdalene….anybody wonder where Jesus gets his income from? And don’t forget about that weirdo John who goes around plunging people’s heads under water saying “They’re purified"! (audience boos). Right! The only way to get purified is through animal sacrifice. And what about Health care? He says he can cure people just by touching them. Jesus’s healthcare plan is a disaster – we all know that, right? He claims he can even bring people back from the dead…..(audience yells No!). My healthcare plan will be the greatest healthcare plan anyone has ever seen. It will be YUGE!
(A heckler from the audience) “What about all those
babies you killed 30 years ago in Bethlehem?”
I’m glad you asked about that. Those people were
all there illegally! They were incense dealers and prostitutes who came into
Judea illegally to bear children. My soldiers simply did their duty to uphold
the law of the land. Get over it! .
In my next term as King, I’m going to give a huge tax break to the money
changers and animal sellers at the temple so they can help Make Judea Great
Again . In case you haven’t noticed my loyal base of followers all wearing yarmulkes
with MJGA on them. If Jesus thinks he can Impeach me, he’s going to have to
walk on water to do it!
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