Empty chair poised to be GOP front runner in early polls

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

A recent poll conducted by the GOP governing committee found that the empty chair that was used as a foil by Clint Eastwood at the last GOP convention polled 10 to15 points higher than any other name mentioned. According to one person who told SNS why they preferred the empty chair, his reply was "At least it can keep its mouth shut!". The Koch brothers have already contributed more than 1 million dollars to the "Empty Chair for President" campaign.

Democrats blame midterm election defeat on Deflated balls

Satirical newservice
Washington DC

A new Post election analysis of the stunning defeat of the democrats in the midterm election now point to "deflated balls" and not dissatisfaction with the president as being the number one cause of their defeat.According to one un named democrat "The midterm defeat was clearly due to the fact that our balls were under inflated  while the balls that the Republicans were playing with were clearly overinflated. The Democrats want the election results to be nullified and re-done once the Democrats learn how to reinflate their balls.

Fatwa issued and carried out Against Frosty-the-Snowman

Satirical News Service
Minneapolis, MN

After a Saudi cleric issued a strict religious ruling last week that bans the building of snowmen because he says they are "anti-Islamic", a Fatwa was issued and successfully carried out against Frosty-The-Snowman. According to witnesses a dark van drove up to a street somewhere in the Minneapolis suburb of Edina, which recently had a large snowfall, and successfully carried out the Fatwa. It was done in the traditional Islamic manner of beheading, and the grim remains can be seen here. The perpetrators escaped but was heard to yell "Allahu Akbar" as they drove off. Other snow persons in the area now fear for their lives as well. Some have abandoned their usual garb or charcoal buttons and carrot noses, and have taken on disguises such as Halloween masks.

New Emails Reveal a Different Story About Alleged Hacking of SONY

Satirical News Service
Hollywood, CA

A new group of Hackers reported to call themselves the Truth Squad have recently released what they claim are genuine emails from SONY executives that cast a new light on the recent affair with the movie The Interview, and the purported email hacking and threats by North Korea Cyber Terrorists.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 11/15/2014

Mike-

                We’ve got a big problem here. We’ve shown a pre-release of The Interview to several focus groups now and it ranks at the very bottom. Here are some of the comments –

“Complete Dog Poop”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

This film is slated for a big Xmas Holiday release and we stand to lose millions. Let’s try to see if the editing team can work a little more violence, nudity, gore, and crassness into it so at least maybe we can go for the 13-17 year old demographics.  We’d lose the PG rating , but hell, those kids always find a way to get in to the R rated movies.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 11/20/2014

Mike –

                We just shown  the re-edited movie to a bunch of demographic groups. Bad news! It tested at the very bottom. Even the 14 year olds thought it stunk. Unless we come up with a better plan, we could eat it in the shorts come Xmas time.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 11/23/2014

Mike –

            This may seem a bit  farfetched but it just might work! One of our techies says he knows of a group of hackers who once did some contract work for North Korea. He proposed we contact them and “arrange” for them to hack into our private emails.  They’re all just a bunch of Hollywood gossip and sniping anyways that everyone on the inside knows about already. The tabloids and “E” would eat it up – especially if we can time it in a slow news cycle. With any luck we might get some traction out of it.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/5/2014

Mike –

                Wow! It seems the plan worked even better than we could have hoped for. All the news channels are eating it up, and even the FBI has come out with a statement saying it was North Koreans retaliating for embarrassing their leader. I’ve told our “friends” to keep it going, but your guys are going to have to get on the band wagon and start sending some more “revealing and scandalous” emails ASAP. I suggest we go after some big names like Angelina Jolie and Adam Sandler. They always seem to get a lot of press.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/15/2014

Mike –

                WE HIT THE JACKPOT! Even Obama has jumped in condemning the hacking! Better yet, a few movie theaters have pulled the movie saying they are worried about another “Aurora Colorado Movie Theater” incident. The pre-release publicity is off the charts! I suggest SONY comes out and says that they are going to pull the release of the movie to protect the public from North Korean Terrorists. That should have every liberal and conservative demanding that we DO release this turd of a movie just to show the North Koreans that they can’t push us around.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/23/2014

Mike –

I can’t believe our luck! There are groups of protestors literally demanding we release the movie! Even Obama has condemned us for “giving into terrorism”. We are on a roll for Xmas day!!!!!

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/26/2014

Mike –

I can’t believe our luck. Theaters are selling out tickets to this movie, and long lines are forking just to watch this piece of shit.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: His Excellency And Infallible Leader Of The Free Democratic Peoples’ Republic Of North Korea, Kim Jong Un
Date: 12/26/2014

Dear Lackey of the Imperialist  Capitalist Movie Cartel,

                We have watched this ridiculous movie several times (we got a pirated copy from pirate bay).  We are amazed that Americans would actually pay to watch this piece of shit.  His Excellency however really did like his portrayal in the movie although he says they got the hair all wrong. His Excellency would like to propose to you to do a sequel which he has generously permitted you to film right here in the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of North Korea. He would also like to personally meet the two lead actors, James Franco and Seth Rogan, at his residency here in Pyongyang.

                

SONY’s Controversial Success of The Interview has Movie, TV, and Broadway Producers Taking Notice

Satirical News Service
Hollywood, CA

In what has become a very bizarre series of events, SONY pictures has turned  The Interview, which should have been this year’s biggest flop, into a box office hit. Now other movie, TV, and even Broadway producers are taking notice.

Both MGM and Paramount studios are planning on “buddy movies”. One features Kim Jong Un and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejadt doing a remake of the Hope/Crosby “ Road to .. (fill in the blank)” movies. Angela Jolie is expected to play to the Dorthy Lamour character.

Paramount plans to pair Kim with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a comedy along the lines of The Hangover.

TV studios are also jumping on the band wagon with Who’s The Greatest Dictator Imitator which features contestants doing look alike and act alike impersonations of dictators past and present, and pit them doing stupid competitions ala “Survivor”. Along those same lines FOX studios is planning on doing a new Survivor series called “Survivor North Korea”. Of course the film will have to be shot in South Korea, but will feature groups of contestants pretending to infiltrate North Korea and assassinate Kim Jong Un (played by a look alike).

Not to be outdone, Broadway is planning a revival of “The Producers” featuring (you guessed it) Kim Jong Un, with hit songs like “Springtime with Kim in Old Pyongyang”.

The Periodic Table of Vitamins

The Nobel Prize in Chemistry next year is most likely going to go to Professor Irving Snodgrass for his discovery of the Periodic Table of Vitamins. Here is the transcript from his speech last year at the International Academy of Health Supplements.

Have you ever wondered why there is a Vitamin A,B,C,D,E, but no F. In fact the next vitamin letter is all the way up to K. And where are the rest of the letters?  This got me wondering, “Suppose vitamins were like the elements that had missing gaps in them simply because they haven’t been discovered?”  So I spent the next decade tirelessly looking for those missing vitamins that I just knew had to be out there.  The quest for these missing vitamins took me to China, India, and South American Jungles. Finally in 1998 I found my first “missing vitamin” – Vitamin G. Once I found this, I knew I was on the right track and it was only a matter of time before I  found Vitamin F,H, and J.

To find Vitamin L, M, N, O and P, I had to go to the deepest parts of the oceans and bring up rare worm-like anemones that lived at the base of underwater volcanoes. The following decade I spent in pursuit of Vitamin Q, R, S and T. This took me to Nepal and into the Hindu Kusch searching for mystics who had uncovered rare herbs that held the secret. There I was able to find Vitamins Q, S, and T, but Vitamin R  still remains yet to be discovered. 

The next discoveries were the Transmutation Vitamins. They were man made creations by meticulously combining very high dosages of Vitamins C, A, D and Q and T under tremendous pressures in a centrifuge to create Vitamins  U,V, and W. We are hoping to fill out the last of our discoveries at the Cern Nuclear accelerator by colliding Vitamins S, T, G and H at very high velocities. The residues produced here could yield these new vitamins. 

Most elusive of all will be Vitamins X,Y, and Z. NASA is planning to search for these on the next Comet Lander mission sometime in the coming decade. At these distances we won’t know if we've found them for months even years after the data is samples are even collected.

Now I am sure you are asking yourselves, “Why all the fuss?  How do we know how these will affect your health, or why your body needs them?”  Well the answer to this question is simple – “Because they’re Vitamins, stupid!” Do we question whether vitamin water is healthy, or why we need to take fistfuls of the known ones daily? Of course not! We simply know that all vitamins are healthy for us. What we didn't know before my discoveries was that there were far more vitamins out there than we ever realized, and now through my discoveries we can become healthier than we ever thought possible.

Newly Commissioned Portrait of Kim Jong Un

Satirical News Service
WWashington DC

North Korean sources today released pictures of a newly commissioned portrait of their supreme leader Kim Jong Un.