Empty Chair Still Polling Highest among both Democrats and Republicans

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Despite the recent announcements by Hillary Clinton, Marcus Rubio, and others to run for President in 2016, the Empty Chair, which featured prominently in the last GOP convention, is still polling 15 to 20 points higher among both Democrats and Republicans as the leading Candidate for president in 2016.

Apple Releases $50,000 Ultra Luxury Steve Jobs Edition Apple Watch

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Apple Inc. announced today an even more luxurious edition of their Apple Watch® that tops gold plated one costing $11,000. This is the Steven Jobs Edition Apple Watch® and is priced at $50,000. Its target market is the ultra-rich 1%. Instead of showing the time, it features only a disembodied caricature of Steven Jobs in his classic black turtleneck shirt with arms moving to show the time. Instead of telling or showing the actual time, however, at pre-selected times a  the watch utters a pre-recorded quote from Steve Jobs. It will be up to the users to know just what time each quote is representing. These will be set by the users so that only they will really know what the actual time is. On our test model here is what we found.

Watch Quotes:

"Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while." Meant it was 12:15 am

"It's really hard to design products by focus groups. A lot of times, people don't know what they want until you show it to them." Meant 2:30 pm

“How does somebody know what they want if they haven’t even seen it?”  Meant 5:25 am.

True devotees to Steven Jobs will appreciate how this deviates from simply telling or showing you “standard” times. Instead it is in keeping with Steven Jobs way of doing things “his own way”; something owners of the watch will appreciate.

John Phillips Souza Suing Marvin Gaye Family Over Copyright Infringement

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The heirs to John Phillips Souza today announced that they are suing the family of Marvin Gaye for copyright infringement. In a press statement the attorney for the John Phillips Souza Foundation stated that the beat for “Blurred Lines” was taken verbatim from one of the stanzas from “Stars and Stripes Forever”. People who have listened to both pieces stated that they definitely can detect some of the same musical notes in both pieces, although not in any particular order. Plaintiffs are confident that the Souza family will finally get the acknowledgement they deserve for the popular hit.

GOP Drops the Elephant in the Room

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After Barnum and Bailey announced yesterday that they were going to stop using elephants in their performances due to perceived cruelty, The GOP also announced plans to stop using the Elephant as the symbol of their party.

               

GOP chairman Reince Priebus stated “We are responding to repeated pleas from PETA and other human rights groups to stop making the elephant the symbol of this party. We acknowledge that elephants are smart, caring loving creatures that care for one another, respect their environment and have long memories. It is therefore fitting that we no longer use them to symbolize a party that has none of these attributes. It is therefore our decision to drop this symbol and replace it with one that is more in keeping with our party’s image.”

Food Fear Network to Debut in the Fall of 2015

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today Food Network®  executives announced plans for a spin-off Cable Network devoted entirely to Food Fear. In a Press conference today, their spokesperson spoke about the reason and plans for this.

Today we have many shows on the Food Network devoted to food preparation, food consumption, food health, and food competitions. But we noticed that there was an under-served segment of the population that was interested not in how good food tasted or its benefits, but in how much it was harming you. We discovered that every day there are over two million tweets about this or that food or food additive being bad for you. The Evening  News and daytime talk shows are filled with reports about food scares. We saw this not as a problem, but an opportunity to serve this segment.

Starting this fall, there will be an entire network devoted to telling you the dangers of whatever you put in your mouth. We won’t just focus on stories about the dangers of consuming salt, sugar, fat, carbs, wheat, gluten…. but anything and everything. We’ll go to the four corners of the earth to dig up stories meant to scare the living bejesus out of you about anything you eat. It won’t matter if you are a junk-food-junkie or whole–organic-macrobiotic-paleo-diet food fanatic; we’ll find some way to show you how harmful it is.

Colorado is First State to Allow Opting Out of Traffic Laws for Philosophical Reasons

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

Colorado, the state that has the laxest gun laws and lowest rate of vaccinations in the nation, has now become the first state to allow individuals to opt out of traffic laws for what they feel are “philosophical reasons”. One group of individuals who pushed through this law stated “There is absolutely no hard evidence to show that stopping at stop signs or red lights will increase longevity. In fact, some studies have shown that sudden stops can cause more accidents. We feel that driving is a matter of individual decision making, and the government needs to get out of our face when it comes to personal decisions like this. After all what message does it send to a young teenager facing stiff competition in schools, jobs and life to see the word Stop. This is a question of personal values and the right to make decisions ourselves."

Colorado is now planning on issuing new license plates with the motto “I’m nuts, Get outta my way!"

African Nations Pledge To Send Teams Of Doctors To US to Contain Outbreak Of Measles

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The African nations of Liberia and Sierra Leone have both pledged to send teams of their own doctors to the US to help educate US citizens on containing the new outbreak of measles. 

In a recent statement  a spokesperson for Doctors within Africa stated that they face an uphill battle in the US getting people to understand that Western Medicine works. He went on to say that many Americans still believe their local “Witch Doctors” who go on TV talk shows and convince people that vaccinations and Western Medicine cause bad ”Ju-Ju. The people fear their own public health officials and then do not report cases as they start. This only worsens  the threat of a nationwide outbreak. We realize that there is a lot of superstition there to overcome there, but by bringing our knowledge of vaccines and Western Medicine we can educate these primitive people and bring them into the 21^st century like we have in Africa.