The State of Kentucky Decides to Opt out of United States for Religious Reasons

Satirical News Service
Frankfort, KY

In a stunning announcement yesterday, the State Legislature of Kentucky, whose body is made up largely of Fundamentalist Christians, has announced that hence forth they are opting out of being a State in the Union for religious reasons. 

          As they stated in their Declaration of Christian Independence, “The United States has become too anti-Christian by requiring them to uphold the laws equally to Fundamentalist Christians and all others. For this reason the State of Kentucky has decided to ‘opt out’ of the United States. We will henceforth be known as the Fundamentalist Christian State of Kentucky". 

        Current residents of that state can choose to stay provided they declare their unconditional allegiance to Jesus Christ and the belief that every word in the Bible is true and unequivocal. They must also show proof of being heterosexual, although details of how this will be determined have yet to be worked out. All those who do not want to adhere to these requirements are free to leave the state.
         As one state representative stated “It is our First Amendment Right of Religious Freedom to do this action”. 

New Empty Chairs Enter the 2016 Presidential Race

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As we approach the second round of GOP presidential candidate debates this week, Hillary Clinton’s polling number seem to be sliding while Donald Trump’s inexplicably seem to be rising. So with the American electorate so totally confused, several new “Empty Chairs”,have seen this as an opportunity to enter the presidential race.

The Witches Dunking Chair

This chair polls very well with the Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee crowd who want to bring America back to old Puritan ways.

The Public Bus Bench

This chair seems to poll very well with the Bernie Sanders crowd who favor more equality and communal social values.

The Hand-Me-Down Chair

This chair polls well with the Jeb Bush crowd who favor well-worn Republican slogans and policies recycled from the previous two Bushes.

The One-Gaping-Hole Chair

This chair seems to poll well with the Hillary Clinton crowd. It basically has plain sturdy back and legs, but one gaping hole in it.

The New Republican chair

This is your basic old hard chair, but they’ve added a large soft ill-fitting cushion to give it a little more comfort.

The Do-You-Really-Want-To-Keep-That-Old-Thing Chair

This chair polls well with supporters who’d like Joe Biden to enter the race, It’s pretty worn out, but still provides that old-worn-shoes comfort.

The Full-of-Holes Chair

This chair is very rickety and full of holes, but the back is covered with a cushion to act like it’s still functional as a chair. This should also appeal to many Republican voters and even some supporters of Hillary Clinton.

The Trump Chair

 No explanation needed.

“Gluten Free” Paleolithic Cave Discovered in Southern Italy

Cave Drawing appears to depict a Gluten Free symbol

Satirical News Service
Puglia, Italy

In a cave in Puglia, southern Italy, spectacular cave paintings were uncovered that appears to show evidence of a “Gluten Free” culture. These drawing appear in a cave just adjacent to the one in where first evidence of stones used by Paleolithic people to grind wheat 32,000 years ago was discovered last week. The large cave drawing depicts a primitive drawing of wheat stalks with a slash and circle, symbolizing a warning not to eat this. Proponents of the "Paleo" diet point to this this new discovery as significant.

Scientists in South Africa Find Undiscovered Humanoid Species

Satirical News Service
Johannesburg, South Africa

Scientists working in remote regions of South Africa have uncovered the bones of a previous unknown species of humanoids. What distinguishes this species was a very colorful out-crop of brightly colored hair that scientists surmised from taking DNA samples. They named this species Homo Obnoxious Ignoramus.

Based upon artifacts found in the cave, it appears that this species did not get along well with other humanoids, and was believed to have a very vocally obnoxious  behavior. It refused to hunt on its own, and insisted that the females and other species hunt for him. One trait that scientists found strange was it seemed to want to build walls everywhere in and around their cave to isolate themselves, and prominently display their markings on the entrances to their overly lavish cave. It is unknown whether this species went completely extinct, or whether some eventually survived to breed with other species of humanoids. 

The 0-0 One Percenters Labor Day Picnic

Satirical News Service
The Hamptons, NY

A Group of the 0.01%’er’s sponsored at picnic today at the posh home of a hedge fund manager who wished to go unnamed. They were there to celebrate the “hard work and the American Dream that made them the rich men they are today.” It was catered by mostly immigrant, minority and women workers who were being paid less than minimum wage with no health benefits. Some complained how the current low bank interested rates were preventing them from getting a decent return on their investments to a young college student who had just parked their cars for minimum wages in order to pay off his exorbitant student loans.  After a few speeches about how illegal immigration is spoiling the American economy, they sat down to a meal that had been prepared and harvested by some of those same immigrants. They then went on to rail about Obamacare and the oppressive taxes in place now (of which they pay little), and the need to bring back traditional American values of hard work and sacrifice, while they continue to ship the jobs that enable that overseas. They then cracked jokes about how happy they were that Warren Buffet was not invited. All in all it was a good picnic. 

Trump Now Plans To Build Wall Around Hawaii

Site of proposed wall around Hawaii

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With the recent rise in “boat people” from Asia, and the faltering Chinese economy, Donald Trump today stressed an urgent need to build a wall around Hawaii. In an Instagram message he posted earlier today, he ranted that "The Indonesian and Chinese economies were going bust as evidence by last week’s meltdown of their currency and recent boatloads of immigrants leaving Indonesia". He went on to say, "The first place they are going to go is to the USA in droves to find jobs. You can bet that any day not we’ll start to see boat loads of Chinese, Indonesians, North Koreans, and who knows what else washing up on the shores of Hawaii and dumping  their contents of illegal immigrants. It’s time we took measures to prevent this from happening before it does by building a wall around Hawaii. Why Hawaii? Think about it! its’ the closest place in the US from China, and that’s where they’re going to go!"

In the past few weeks many Republican Presidential hopefuls have warmed up to Trump’s “Wall” proposals to prevent illegal immigration, and have recently proposed one across the Canadian frontier as well. While they still are reluctant to take a stand on something as expensive and complex as a wall around Hawaii, many admit it does have merit, and is better than seeing 1 billion Chinese and other illegal immigrants take jobs away from real Americans who migrated there from the Continental USA.  

Another County Clerk Refuses to Issue Marriage Licenses To Christians – Says "They Must First Pledge Their Souls To Satan"

Satirical News Service
Lexington, KY

 In another twist of events in the on-going saga of marriage licenses, another county clerk in Kentucky going only by the name “Lucifer” states that he is following his conscience by refusing to issue marriage licenses to people of the Christian faith. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he stated “I cannot in good conscience allow this travesty of marriage between two Christians to legally take place unless they first pledge their eternal souls to Satan”. 

Lucifer is a devout member of the Satanic Church and feels that it is his constitutional right to make this stand based upon his First Amendment Right of Religious Freedom.