Bombshell Op-Ed exposes Trump's Erratic Behavior on Golf Course and Those who Are Trying to Control It

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

PUTTS Magazine this week published a bombshell Op-Ed piece from anonymous sources who have caddied for Trump and are now speaking out about his erratic behavior on the golf course and how they are keeping him under control by whatever subversive measures they need to.

“I am the resistance – well I suppose me and the other guys too, who I also can’t mention by name. We caddie for President Trump when he plays at Mar a Lago and his other courses. Everyone knows he can be pretty explosive when angry – and right now he’s angry alot! But when he has a bad golf day, things can really get explosive – like WWIII explosive! So we make sure that doesn’t happen. He’s a totally lame golfer who just flails away, but we make sure that every shot ends up in the perfect place. When he shoots one in the drink – which is most of the time - we tell him it landed on the green. When he hits someone else’s ball, we tell him it was his. He rarely listens to us when we tell him what club to use, so we just hand him the right one regardless of which one he thinks he should hit with. No matter what we make sure he always scores par or below. I figure we’re doing this country a big service by keeping him under control like this– otherwise who knows what he’d do.”

Signed

The Resistance

Trump Convinced by His Staffers That Hillary Clinton is the Source Op-Ed Piece

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In another late night Tweet by Donald Trump, he tweeted “I have been convinced by all my members of my wonderful and loyal staff that it was Hilary Clinton who wrote that malicious and totally false op-ed piece in the New York Times. Her fingerprints are all over it! I am ordering Jeff Sessions to investigate this, and THIS time LOCK HER UP!"

Other sources have suggested it might have been Sasha Cohen.

Trump Tweet’s MANDATORY Cool Aid Party for All White House Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After two days of bombshell revelations about Trump’s Presidency coming from anonymous sources within the White House, a Livid Donald Trump today tweeted he was calling a “MANDATORY Cool Aid Party” for all staff to attend and “DRINK IT!”. While it is uncertain exactly what he means by this, sources close to him he may be planning a repeat of Jim Jones’ lethal Cool Aid party in which he laced it with Cyanide and ordered everyone to drink it.

Faux Mint to Offer “The Mueller Indictment Series Commemorative Coin Set”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Now, an exclusive offer from the Faux Mint Company, “The Mueller Indictment Series”. This exclusive offer commemorates each of the many individuals who have been indicted, flipped, or convicted in Mueller’s Investigation. Approximately every month you will receive a new coin cast in precious metal and plated in silver, bronze or gold depending on how close that individual was to Donald Trump. You will be able to hold and admire each of these coins for years to come – and they will become only more valuable as the collection grows and grows. Each coin comes with a certificate of authenticity as well as a complete copy of the indictment or plea of that individual. You’ll be able to commemorate these achievements for years to come – cast forever into these beautiful commemorative coins.

Obama Apologizes To Republicans for “Leading them into a Life of Crime”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A very saddened former President Obama today released a press statement in which he wanted to apologize to the Republican Party for “Leading them into a Life of Crime.”

“There have been so many indictments of so many Congressmen and high up officials.” He went on to say, “I somehow just know somehow it was my fault – Maybe it was getting the ACA Bill passed, or rescuing the economy from total collapse, but whatever it was somehow it sent the wrong message to all those Republicans, and they went on to a life of crime. Maybe I should have listened to Joe (Biden) when he said ‘you need to be tougher on these people! If they think they can get away with something now, it’ll only get worse’.  I only hope that the American people can forgive me and learn from this, as I have, and maybe avoid this with the next President.”

Guliani Presents His Latest Defense Arguments – Lies Aren’t Really Lies

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Sounding like a philosophy professor Rudolph Guliani today outlined his latest defense for Trump stating “Since we already know that Truth isn’t Truth, it therefore stands to reason that Lies aren’t Lies either." He goes on to state “Since we’ve established that, how can we accuse President Trump or Donald Trump Jr. of lying to investigators when lies aren’t lies. How can there be a crime of perjury here?”

Giuliani Now Says “The Real Donald Trump Not To Blame – Trump’s Evil Twin Is”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a week of bizarre statements by Chief Council Rudolph Giuliani in an interview Sunday with NBC’s Chuck Todd, Giuliani today stated that he now knows who is behind the collusion with Russian agents during the election. “It was Trump’s evil twin brother. This brother has long been kept a secret from the public and even members of his own family. It now has become evident that he was the one who might be behind any collusion with Russian Agents – if there was any collusion – which of course there wasn’t. The Real Donald Trump is completely innocent. He only has been attacking the press, the FBI, the Justice Department, Mueller and everyone else just to protect his twin brother. He cares very much for him and will do anything to protect him. But he – meaning the REAL Donald Trump is completely innocent.”

When pressed about the daily onslaught of bizarre tweets coming from Trump's twitter account (@RealDonaldTrump), Giuliani confessed “These are also the work of Trump’s evil twin. He created the account as @RealDonaldTrump only to divert attention away from him, the NOT real Donald Trump.”

While heads in the Press room were swimming in a “WTF expression” of bewilderment, Giuliani added, “This is not a time to pile on the President (i.e. The REAL Donald Trump). He is carrying a great burden now having to deal with the fact that his family’s dreadful secret is out at last.”