S&M New Startup Airline

Satirical News Service
NY, NY

After a recent study released this year showed that some passengers actually enjoy the hell that airlines like Spirit put them through to get to their destinations, a new startup airlines will be launched this year to cater to just that segment. Promising the worst airline hell you can imagine, this airline is going out of its way to make your entire flying experience miserable  Starting with the booking process, available only online, once the consumer chooses a flight, typically at an unbelievably attractive fare, and proceeds to book it, the WEB page will display an error message just before they can complete the entire process saying that due to a computer glitch, the transaction did not go through. When the consumer attempts to redo the process the fare now has jumped 200%. Other torments include changing short duration non stop flights arbitrarily into multi-stop hells lasting 18 hours or more and changing gates less than one hour before the flight usually to a remote part of the terminal forcing passengers to scramble to gates across the airport frequently involving going through TSA screenings again. Once they board the flight they will typically find only 3 empty overhead bins and cabin attendants extorting $100 or more per bag to check it or leave it behind once they are filled. On board the passengers will find that the seats will not recline and the cushions are all worn causing them to sink into them in awkward stress positions.  Additional cushions can be purchased however for $250 each. The temperature setting on the airflow vents are intentionally set to either freezing or hot depending on which would cause the most discomfort. Although food and beverages are served on these flights passengers much pay in cash with exact change – usually some odd figure like $13.47. No other form of payment is accepted. If the passenger is able to get a meal, they will find it is either frozen in the middle or has gone rancid. No refunds are given. There is only one lavatory on board and only one person at a time may vie for it when it becomes unoccupied.

S&M feels that this could be a new trend in niche airlines catering to a specific airline consumer who wants the airlines to “bring it on”. 

Nigerian School Girls SOLD into Slavery!

Satirical News Service
Legos, Nigeria

In a frightening new development in the Nigerian School girls kidnapping story, Satirical News Service has learned that Abubakar Shekau, the leader of Boko Haram has apparently sold the young girls to one of the most notorious and lawless person on the face of the planet. They were taken by force to his remote and lawless enclave that identifies itself as part of no country. Shown here, in a photo taken by someone close to the new Master, The leader of this group known only to his followers as “Clive” addressed his newly acquired harem .

“Let me tell you something about the Negro…….”

Texas, Florida, and Oklahoma Legislatures Adopt “Death by Obamacare” as Method of Capital Punishment.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following the botched execution by lethal injection of an inmate in Oklahoma this week, three state legislatures have passed bills changing the method of execution to “Death by Obamacare”. Much like Thomas Edison’s push for the electric chair in the 1890’s as a way to show people the inherent dangers of AC current, this method of execution is designed to demonstrate to people how lethal Obamacare can be. Although details of this method are intentionally vague, sources report that it involves a three step process. First the condemned person is forced to appear before a five person “Death Panel”. Next the condemned is placed on a gurney in front of a computer terminal where they are then logged in to Healthcare.gov. Then a team of government appointed doctors mandate certain procedures and test be carried out.

 “While some people in the legislature felt that this represents cruel and unusual punishment, we feel that it suits the purpose of acting as a deterrent to crime and also letting people know just how lethal Obamacare is, by intentionally killing someone with it.”

Fox News Reports Their Own Satellite Images May be Wreckage of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

Sources at FOX news today revealed enhanced photos taken from their own satellite which contradict those released today by  the Australian GeoResonancece satellite, and claim that these definitively identify the wreckage of the Malaysian jetliner on the ocean floor. According to a spokesperson from FOX, these photos place the wreckage not in the Indian Ocean, as initially stated, but instead in the Pacific Ocean somewhere close to Los Angeles. The shape definitely shows the fuzzy outline of the body and wings of the jetliner.  Investigators are closely examining these photos to determine if they may indeed be the lost jetliner.

GEORGIA unveils new License Plate Design

Deep Ocean Search for Flight MH370 uncovers huge pile of un-matched socks

Satirical News ServiceSydney, Australia

The search for missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 under the Indian Ocean, now deemed to be the most expensive in aviation history, has failed to uncover any signs of the plane or black box. It has however uncovered a strange find. Scattered over several miles of the ocean floor appear to be millions of single un-matched socks. Authorities are completely mystified as to where they came from and how they got to such a remote place.

South Carolina Extends Gun Rights To The Unborn

Satirical News Service
Charleston, South Carolina

After passing a new Stand Your Ground Law to include protecting fetuses, South Carolina legislators have proposed a new law to extend gun ownership rights to the unborn. In a press statement one state legislator said “We call it the Stand Your Womb Law. We feel that the laws to protect the rights of the unborn just don’t work. It’s time that we give fetuses the right to defend themselves! “

Under this law a parent of a minor, boyfriend, or spouse of the mother could compel a doctor to surgically implant a small handgun into the uterus of the pregnant mother.” Should any Obamacare doctor or Planned parenthood witch try to come after this fetus, they are going to get a load of lead!”

The NRA is solidly behind this since it extends second Amendment rights to the unborn. It has also united anti-abortion groups and pro-gun groups who now claim that abortion is just another attempt to take away our guns. Maternity T-shirts are already appearing with the slogan “If they want to take away my gun, they’ll have to pry it out of my unformed hands!”