Invent Your Own Science Facts Laboratory Kit for Xmas

Hey Kids! This year’s hottest Christmas gift is the Pseudo-Science Invent Your Own Science Facts Laboratory Kit ®.  With this fun kit you can devise carefully thought out experiments, and then let you make up your own scientifically sounding facts and conclusions to go with them – just like real pseudo-scientists do.

Wanna  prove the Earth is only 5000 years old, Climate Change is bogus, eating Kale cures cancer, or genetically modified foods make you gay? Simply plug in those conclusions and the facts you’d like to hear, and presto-chango, the Invent Your Own Science Fact Kit Wizard will generate convincing sounding “facts” that prove whatever you want it to. Then it will send out millions of Twitter feeds around the world with those facts and conclusions. The more feeds it twitters, the more truth to those facts and conclusions.

So ask Santa this year for the Pseudo Science Invent Your Science Facts Laboratory Kit ®. Before long you’ll be appearing on FOX news, CNN and  even Congressional Committees just like real pseudo-scientists, all because of the stuff you learned playing with your Invent your Own Science Fact Laboratory Kit.

Scientists Reveal That Some Foods Are Actually Grown in Dirt!

Unsafe Food Shown on Left grown in actual dirt compared to safe food on right manufactured under sterile conditions.

Satirical News Service
Washington D.C.

A recent scientific report commissioned by the Monsanto Corporation revealed for the first time that some foods are actually grown in Dirt! I’m sure you can remember your mother telling you to wash your hands after playing outside because they got dirt on them, or “Don’t eat food you dropped on the ground because it has dirt on it”. Well low and behold what we discovered is that some types of food are actually grown in the stuff! Can you imagine all the bacteria and viruses not to mention all those organic chemicals that are in dirt. You mother was quite right in warning you to stay well away from that stuff. Now we find that some farmers are actually growing food in it. Luckily there are still many foods that are manufactured in clean rooms in nearly sterile antiseptic conditions, and contain useful chemicals that will keep all that nasty bacteria from entering your system.  While some nay-sayers will dismiss this report and say “dirt is healthy”, or “It takes a lot of dirt to kill you”, just remember the admonishment your mother gave you when you were a baby “Stop eating that dirt!”

Texas Man Claims Right to refuse Quarantine for Ebola on Second Amendment Grounds

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A Texas man proclaiming himself to be the “Angel of Death” has tested positive for the Ebola virus. He is refusing to be quarantined on the basis that it violates his Second Amendment Right to bear arms. He claims that a biological weapon is just like any other weapon and he has the Constitutional Right to carry arms (or in his case be one). "I can’t infect anyone", he claims, "unless I intentionally do so. Until that time I am just like any other citizen carrying a concealed weapon, which is allowed under the constitution and the State of Texas".

In a strange twist of allegiances, the NRA has sided with the man. In a statement given to the press, they said, “If we don’t uphold this mans’ right to carry biological weapons, the next thing you know the Government is going to take away your handguns. “

Recent Antares Rocket Explosion Caused by Gluten

Satirical News Service
Cape Canaveral, FL

The spectacular explosion of the rocket on its launch pad last earlier this week has been traced to food it was carrying to the Space Station. According to rocket scientists, the explosion was due to an excess of gluten in the food it was carrying. Exactly how this caused the rocket to explode, the experts could not exactly say. But given that gluten seems to be the cause of everything else these days, they felt that this is the most likely explanation.

Republicans In House Vow to Investigate Link Between Bengazi And The Ebola Epidemic

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Republican-controlled U.S. House voted Thursday along party lines to establish a select committee to immediately begin investigating to see if there is a link between the mishandling of Bengazi and the recent Ebola epidemic. Rep. Trey Gowdy  today responded saying “While there is not a shred of evidence to suggest any such link, we promise to leave no stone unturned. This whole Ebola scare is taking away from our real focus of investigating Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s role in Bengazi. Now at least we can kill two birds (so to speak) with one stone. This after all, is what the American people expect us to do.” 

Frontier Airlines Annouces New Tail Fin Critter

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

Frontier Airlines today showed off the latest of it's cute tail fin critters today called E-Bella. It is replacing the cute little dolphin that is now in a quarantine hangar facility in Denver.

Governor Perry Demands US put up a Fence Between Texas and Africa

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After Texas became the first state to report a patient infected with Ebola, Governor Rick Perry immediately went on national TV to demand that the US erect a fence between Texas and Africa to keep out the virus. In an exclusive interview with SNS he stated that the problem with Ebola is just like to one Texas faces with illegal immigrants from Mexico.

“The Ebola virus see’s opportunities here that are aren't available in its own native countries in Africa, so naturally it wants to come over here. When Texas finally acted and put up a fence at the border between Mexico and USA, we cut down illegal immigration to a fraction of what it was before. I don’t see why the same approach won’t work here with Ebola.”