"Silence of the Lions" - Minnesota Dentist was Serial Lion Killer

Satirical News Service
Minneapolis, MN

It turns out that "Cecil" was not the only famous lion James Palmer had stalked and killed. He had in fact been a serial "Famous Lion" killer for some time before this. When FBI raided Walter James Palmer’s Minnesota Home they found this grim sight. Included in his gruesome collection was Detroit Lions quarterback Mathew Stafford, The New York Public Library Lion, the MGM lion, Simba from the Lion King, and The Cowardly Lion, all mounted on his wall.  It appears he had been preparing a site for his newest trophy, "Cecil", for some time before now.

Shocking Discovery Found in New Windows 10 OS

Satirical News Service
Redmond, WA

FBI officials made a shocking discovery buried in the new Windows 10 operating system released today by Microsoft. Going on an anonymous tip, the FBI found what they believe are the decaying remains of “Clippy”. Clippy was once a prized feature of Windows, but then mysteriously went missing several years ago. Today the grim reality of his fate became apparent when software investigators uncovered a shallow indentation and several lines of fragmented software code buried  deep within the Windows 10 operating system.  The exact cause of clippy’s demise is not known for certain, but sources are stating that foul play was most likely the cause. At Microsoft’s headquarters in Redmond, Washington, sources there are refusing to say anything, but Cortina has been listed as a Person-of-Interest in the case. 

Iran Arms Deal Hits snag over “Right to Bear Arms” Clause

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Within days of being able to close a ground breaking treaty with Iran to limit their ability to produce nuclear weapons, the deal has hit a brick wall. Opponents of the treaty in Iran have slipped an amendment into their new constitution that guarantees the right of their citizens to “own and bear arms.” While the provisions of the new treaty agreement prohibits the government of Iran from developing and testing nuclear armament, it does not apply to individuals in Iran. This new  Second Amendment  provision would basically permit any Iranian individual to develop and keep nuclear  and other weapons of mass destruction. In addition, the Iranians have passed a “Stand-Your-Ground –Against-Zionist-Terrorists-and-Enemies-of-the-Faith” Law that allows any Iranian to use lethal force including nuclear weapons  if they feel threatened by “Zionists Terrorists or Enemies of the Faith”. They went further by scrapping any background checks or waiting period for individuals from any terrorist group from purchasing nuclear and other weapons from individuals at Islamic Gun Shows.

Negotiators from the Iranian government who have gone to great lengths to broker this deal have expressed their profound frustration. Said one negotiator, “It’s one thing to go up against Western Infidels, but another thing entirely to go up against gun rights groups here in Iran.”

Bobby Jindal Demands Stricter Control on Sale of Movie Theaters Tickets

Satirical News Service
Baton Rouge, LA

Today Governor Bobby Jindal urged the Louisiana State Legislature to pass tighter controls over the sale and distribution of movie tickets. Stating that it was appalling that just anyone can legally purchase movie tickets regardless of history or mental problems or domestic abuse he went on to say, “It’s even possible for anyone to buy as many tickets as they please without anyone asking any questions. There are no control s over these so called Multiplexes that can legally offer multiple showings in as many as 10 different theaters with little or no controls over who attends these. The current R, NR,X, G, and PG ratings system is too lax to stop a mentally deranged person from attending these showings. The only way to prevent such tragedies to pass much stricter controls on who can attend movies and limit the movies number of movies that a theater can show and to only show G rated movies. While I realize this poses an inconvenience to law-bidding movie goers who just want see a movie, we have a duty to protect those people exercising their lawful 2^nd amendment right to bear arms who might decide to attend one of these theaters and then happen to go off the rails.”

In other news the same Louisiana State Legislature rejected mandatory background checks for people wishing to purchase handguns, and limit the sale of gun sales at gun shows without any background checks.

Donald Trump's Visit to the US-Mexico Border

Caitlin Jenner says “I’ve Had It!” Wants to Go Back To Being A Man

Satirical News Service
Los Angeles, CA

After less than 6 months from his/her dramatic coming out as a woman, Caitlin Jenner says “I’ve had it!” She announced today that she plans to revert back to a man ASAP.

“My feet are killing me from walking around in heels, my bras don’t fit, and the bloating each month…I just can’t do this anymore! Every time I try to eat a good meal, all I get is ‘Aren’t you watching your figure?’ My thighs feel like tree stumps and I’m developing a muffin top."

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Jenner plans to undergo surgery to reverse the process. FOX TV has already planned to film the reverse transformation as a sequel to their new series Caitin.

Small Businesses Upset over Amazon's Unannounced Election Day in July Sale

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Many small business owners were upset over Amazon Inc.’s unannounced sale of Candidates. Apparently advance notices were sent out to only select corporations and special interest groups who then had the opportunity to buy candidates at very reduced prices. one special interest chairman said  “I’m really steamed about this, I could have bought Hillary Clinton for less than half of what she’d cost me in November". Another upset business owner said he had plans to buy Scott Walker to bust the food packing unions in his state.” I could have got him for pennies on the dollar. Now it’ll cost me nearly triple if I have to go to ebay or PAC sites to buy candidates.”

Notices apparently went out to only selected big interest groups and large Corporations prior to the sale well in advance, and only last minute to smaller special interest groups and business who did not have time to prepare to take advantage of the bargains offered.