Congress finally passes a gun control law - Rifle Emoji to be Removed From the Internet

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

In a show of unity and great moral courage Congress finally got a gun control law passed through both Houses of Congress.  It would effectively ban all emoji resembling a rifle from the internet.  The NRA had lobbied hard to block this, but in the end, some Republican Congressmen facing tough  re-election campaigns, conceded and voted to support the bill. Some Congressmen tried to add amendments that would also ban the Rainbow Flag, but these were defeated. Although this important legislation does remove the all import Rifle emoji, it does leave intact the ubiquitous handgun emoji. Opponents say this is just proof that Obama and Clinton want to take away our guns. Trump tweeted that this just gives ISIS more ammunition to carry out terrorist attacks. The NRA posted that they will fight this legislation and move for its immediate repeal.  Meanwhile Democrats are celebrating finally passing effective gun control legislation stating "We all feel safer tonight knowing that the rifle emoji has been banned from the Internet".

New 911 tapes give Orlando Shooters Motive- Hillary Clinton's Emails

In a rambling onesided conversation with Orlando Police the night of the shootings, the killer gave a long list of why he was performing this hideous act. In order of priority:
1. Show support of ISIS
2. Expose Hillary Clinton's emails
3. Expose Hillary Clinton's bungled role in Benghazi
4. Prevent Obama and Clinton from taking away our guns
5. Kill a lot of LGBT people

Trump immediately tweeted that this proves it was Hillary Clinton and Obama's fault.

If Donald Trump Had Written the Preamble to the Constitution

We the people ……. and I don’t mean all those losers in Washington, and Illegal Spaniards who will someday become Mexicans when they declare their Independence from Spain, and Muslims, although they won’t be called that for probably another century, and Indians - like Pocahontas over there –  I mean those people out there who want to Make America Great Again – well actually for the first time since we’re still just a bunch of Colonies now – but the greatest Colonies in the world,…….in order to form a more perfect Union- and let me tell you it’s going to be the greatest Union you have ever seen – No one, and I mean no one will be able to form a better union than I can……. do establish justice – and I will give the greatest justice you have ever seen we’re gonna throw of a lot losers in prison– and we’re gonna have a lot of hangings too! We aren’t going to listen to all those politically correct people strutting around in their powdered wigs telling us what justice is…..insure domestic tranquility, and believe me it will be so tranquil you’ll beg for a little excitement……provide for the common defense,…..and we’re going  to have the greatest army in the world led by the greatest generals, and any country like Spain and England and France try to invade us or challenge us on the high seas, they’re gonna get their asses kicked. promote the general welfare……but not for those losers who can’t make it on their own, or who haven’t gone to my Trump University, and secure the blessings of Liberty and our prosperity, and let me tell you, I know something about prosperity. I  know how to make lots of money, and not just those worthless Continental dollars, but real gold money, and people who go my Trump University can learn how to make this kind of dough too through my carefully planned curriculum and hand picked instructors, do ordain and establish the Constitution….., and it’s the greatest constitution or parchment that has ever been written, except for my book On Secrets To Becoming Rich.

Zoo Keeper knews this Gorilla Could Turn Dangerous

Satirical News Service
Cincinnati, OH

On lookers were horrified when a boy sneaked into an enclosure and approached a 400 lb gorilla. At first it looked like the gorilla was protecting the boy, but when it started to rant and rave, they knew that this gorilla in particular could turn very dangerous at any second and they had no choice but to do what they did.

Gender Neutral Bathrooms in North Carolina

Tradition!

If you saw Fiddler on the Roof, you became aware of just how important traditions are in the Jewish culture. In this respect, Passover has always maintained a link to our Jewish upbringing, even though we have long since stopped practicing most of the other tenents of the Jewish faith.

This year though, things went a little differently.

THE PAPA: ….On this night we dip not once but three times. (Take parsley and pass it around). BAW-RUCH A-TAW….

SON 1:  Excuse me, is this organically grown parsley without any pesticides or non-organic fertilizers?

THE PAPA: Who know’s, just dip it and eat it, how much could one little bite of non-organic parsley harm you.

SON 2:  Is this Salt water? I can’t eat any salt, could I just have some plain Dasani water to dip it in?

THE PAPA: Now we take the bitter herb and say the prayer (takes a piece of horseradish root) BAW-RUCH A-TAW …

SON 1:  I read once that horseradish can cause cancer

SON 2:  No, it prevents cancer

SON 1:  No No! It distinctly causes it due to the uptake of glacinocides that interfere with the free radicals.

SON 2:  No my dumb brother – the exact opposite.

SON 1:  In any case I’m not eating it

SON 2:  Suit yourself, Dad give me the horseradish

THE PAPA: Now we take the horseradish and dip it into the choroset ….

SON 1:  Uh, does that have nuts in it? I no longer can eat nuts since I found out last year that I have a nut allergy.

SON 2:  Does that contain Apples? Apples contain high levels of Arsenic that can cause cancer.

SON 1:  Are they organic Apples?

THE PAPA: …We eat the Matzah in remembrance of the unleavened bread that our forefathers ate when pharaoh chased them in the desert (Takes piece of Matzah) BAW-RUCH A-TAW ….

SON 1:  Excuse me, does that have wheat in it? I can’t eat any wheat.

SON 2:  I can eat some wheat, but does it have gluten? I don’t eat any gluten?

The Momma: We’ll now eat our Traditional Passover dinner, together. Dad cooked it just like he 

always did – Matzah Ball Soup, Roast Lamb, Asparagus, couscous……

SON 1:  Wait mom, did you say Lamb!? I don’t eat any red meat

SON 2:  Is there gluten in the Matzah Balls? The chicken stock – was it made with GMO free hormone free, free range chickens? I can’t eat it if it isn’t.

SON 1:  Does the couscous have any wheat?

THE PAPA: So my fine children. It is time for the Four Questions. This year however, I am going narrow it down to just One! “Why is this night different from all other nights?”

SON 1:  I know – “On this night we dip three times instead of none……”

SON 2:  “We eat only unlevened bread and sit reclined…..”

THE PAPA: No! I’ll tell you why this night is different from all other nights. On all other nights we just eat our Damned meal and don’t nit-pick over every damned thing it has in it. This year we celebrate Passover in our home, but by God next year, we’re going out for Chinese!

Aunt Jemima Mistakenly Placed on US 20 Dollar Bill

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an apparent mix up, the image of popular Pancake Mix icon Aunt Jemima was placed on the new US Twenty Dollar Bill instead of Harriet Tubman.Since the cost of recalling all printed bank notes and re-doing the engraving plates would be prohibitive, Congress voted to just keep it as is. According to one Senator, "We think she looks a lot better than Harriet Tubman, and no one will know the difference between them anyway."