Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Washington DC
Donald Trump
announced today that he was going to use his Ouija board to make the
determination as to when it would be safe for Americans to start resuming
normal activities and return to work. In his press conference, he stated, “I
have a very good rapport with the spirit world – they all love me. They can tell
me better than anyone else when it is safe because they help me communicate directly
with the coronavirus itself. No one else can do this, but I can. They told me
for instance that
Hydroxychloroquine is safe and very effective against
COVID19. They are also telling me which states really need the most ventilators–
that we are making in incredible numbers – just incredible, and which ones do
not. I consult it daily and it tells me that me and my family are completely
immune to COVID19."
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