Satirical News Service
Moscow, Russia
Moscow, Russia
After Donald Trump’s surprising loss despite efforts
to suppress voters, hamstring the USPS, and try to strong-arm the courts into
declaring the election a fraud, Vladimir Putin announced he was starting a new
program to help struggling would-be dictators.
The program is called “No
Dictator Left Behind” and is designed to coach these struggling authoritarians
like Trump and Alexander Lukashenko in more effective
techniques to suppress voters and manipulate the election results.
“We can’t
afford to have a whole generation of dictators fail simply because they didn’t
have the skills needed to ruthlessly and stealthily suppress any opposition”,
said Putin. “We will be sending our tutors to personally assist these
struggling dictators and devise specific programs to help them quash the
opposition. Some of these will include How to use Novicek Without Getting Caught, Packing the Courts and Justice Department with Sworn lackeys, Making People Simply Disappear, and Using Social Media and Conspiracy Theories effectively.
We certainly hope that with these interventions we can shape the world to our
own liking."
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