Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Today the NRA announced that it was planning to offer an exclusive concierge service for people planning a mass shooting. In their statement about its purpose, the NRA stated the following.
"Planning a mass shooting event
whether it’s in a mall, church, or local school can
be a daunting affair. How much ammo should I
buy? Is it the right caliber? How many weapons do I need and what type? What about tactical gear? Our
concierge service can help answer these and many other questions and get you started on your way to whatever mass casualty event you’re planning. We’re
contracted with hundreds of gun shops and military-type equipment vendors that can rent you all you need. No
fussy background checks, no red flag checks, not
even a lot of cash. You can simply charge it! Besides, you won’t be paying for
it at all if things turn out the way you expect. We’ll supply all the guns, ammo, and tactical gear customized to
the exact type of mass shooting you’re planning – even supply you with books on how
to plan an assault. Also, the most important item that many
people who are planning their mass shootings forget is their 'statement of
motive'. Is your motive political? Revenge?
Personal grudge? Without a clear and
concise motive, many of your potential victims’ loved ones and the public will forever
wonder what possessed you? We have skilled writers on staff who will guide you through
this process enabling you to state your motives in such an impassioned way that
should you survive and face trial, no self-respecting jury would ever convict
you. It all comes
down to your GOD-given right to bear arms."
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