Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
Vladimir Putin issued a communique yesterday indicating that
Alaska, which was purchased by the US in 1867, rightfully belongs to Russia. He
stated that the Czar Alexander II was swindled by Seward into selling
it, and that the signature on the treaty was signed by his aides using an “autopen
device,” making it invalid. While he hopes that the US will peacefully transfer the Alaskan territory to Russia, he has not ruled out the use of
force. American citizens currently living in Alaska will be given the chance to
become Russian citizens or leave within 30 days. Anyone who protests will be forcibly
relocated to Siberia on the Russian mainland. Trump has yet to respond.
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