Lord of the Vance

 

Lord of the Vance

I named him as my VP to the RNC

I know he’d be obedient to no one but me

He took center stage and appeared on TV

And no one could believe he was crazier than me

Vance, Vance wherever you may be

Calling out Cat ladies and Haitian Refugees

He criticizes the media and the Press at every chance

Since I am the Lord over JD Vance

 

He is a more extreme running mate everyone will vouch

I just keep him away from dogs and the living room couch

And when it comes to weirdness there is no one he can’t beat

Especially with his comments on what Haitians eat

Vance, Vance you really have them rolling

Just watch my numbers rise as the polls keep on polling

He’s my useful fool,  and I’ll use him every chance

For I am the Lord over JD Vance

RFK Jr. Takes Exception to Vance’s Remarks About Eating Neighbor’s Pets

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 RFK Jr. today took sharp exception to VD Vance’s recent remarks about Haitian Immigrants in Springfield, Ohio eating family and neighbor’s pets.

“There is nothing wrong with eating your domesticated family pet, although I would stop at eating your neighbor’s without their permission. Pets are humanly raised and free from hormones and other additives found in the highly processed foods at local grocery stores. They can be an exceptional healthy source of protein. There are many feral cats and dogs just running around neighborhoods presenting both a safety and health hazard as well as a great tax burden for having to create and maintain “No-Kill” animal shelters, or euthanizing and cremating these animals when they could be used for food. Many other countries do this and save their taxpayers millions of dollars."

NFL Sunday ticket to now offer a Premium package to feature Pop Stars PIP

 

Satirical News Service
NY, NY

The NFL Network is now offering their Sunday Ticket football package with an option to get PiP (Picture in Picture) of Taylor Swift throughout the entire game. It will be at a premium though adding an additional $10 a month to the package. They hope to add other pop stars soon as well as the Philadelphia Eagles have a contract in the works with Bionce to appear in their booth for all games. Other teams are also considering signing pop stars as well.

VOTE for the Battleground State You Wish to be Part of

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Editorial

It has become blatantly apparent in this election that unless you reside in a “Battleground State”, you don’t mean shit. Sure, you can vote for some stupid local amendments or County Coroner, but the real meat is in those battleground states. That’s why all those “undocumented workers (wink-wink)”  all  want to flock there. Obviously, the solution to leveling the playing field would be to eliminate the archaic electoral college and have the direct election of the President. But THAT ain’t gonna happen in our lifetime folks.

So here's the next best thing. In addition to casting your vote for President and Vice President, you can also cast your vote for which “battleground state” you want it to count in. Surely you’ve heard the song "Georgia on My Mind”, well why not make yourself a Virtual Voter in that state. “On Wisconsin” should be able to be the fight song of anyone regardless of where they live. That way we could have free and fair elections and still keep the stupid electoral college in place, or alternatively give each state an equal number of electoral votes. Just an idea…..but who knows.

JD Vance Claims Owning Justices on the Supreme Court is Higher Due to Democrats

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In a Speech today, JD  Vance called out the Democrats for raising the cost of owning Supreme Court justices. "It could cost the average American more than $50,000 a year", (although he declined to specify how). Before the Democrats started their vicious witch hunt against our 45^th President Trump, we could just pay them a nominal amount of about $800,00 a month to do our bidding. But now they are saying that they have to work extra hard just to keep up with all the lawsuits that Trump has filed to stay out of jail.  "Alito is demanding at least a million a month to postpone hearings, and Thomas wants double that! How can the average American afford that? Our down-ballot campaigns are suffering because we have to use all that money we collect from our sucker donors just  to pay these guys off –and they keep raising their prices.  It’s all due to those Democrats and Sleepy Joe Biden."

Trump Speaks Out on Drug Cost Inflation

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 After Kamala Harris announced that Biden has finally negotiated Medicare Drug prices with leading Pharmaceutical companies for the first time and got the price of some of the most commonly used RX’d drugs down, Trump lashed out showing how much drug prices have increased “under crooked Joe Biden” since he left office, and promised to bring drug prices back down to the levels they were at when he was president.

“It’s terrible! Simply terrible! Crooked Joe and Kaammalala Harris have increased drug prices by hundreds of percent. Middle-class Americans can no longer afford to buy these drugs from their local dealers, which is costing their jobs. When I’m president kids, seniors, and middle-class Americans will again be able to afford these wonderful drugs.”

Trump’s Mouth Injuries Prevent Him From Debating

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Doctors with the Trump campaign have discovered previously un-diagnosed complications of injuries from the assignation attempt on Trump 3 weeks ago. 

“At first we thought it was just his ear was affected, but after seeing him speak at a recent conference of Black journalists, we re-examined him and found that his mouth was severely affected by the shooting as well.  We have prescribed a special “sanitary pad” to wear in his mouth at all rallies to prevent the injury from worsening. While this may mean he will not actually be able to speak, he will still be able to pantomime, dance, and do his typical gestures. At the same time, carefully sanitized speeches are played over the loudspeakers. Sadly, this will prevent him from debating Kamala Harris in September, and have written a note to the organizers of the debate about this decision.”