Biden Installs Lower Price Gas Pump at White House

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In an effort to show he’s fighting inflation and bring up his sagging poll numbers, President Biden today showed off a newly installed gas pump at the White House featuring $1 a gallon gas. He announced that this gas was made directly from the recently released “strategic reserve petroleum”. In his announcement, he stated this would now be open to the public to fill up their tanks. “I hope other gasoline companies would follow suit in lowering their pump prices”, he went on.

Before you go out and try to get gas at the White House, you first have to pass a background check and make a reservation. Your vehicle must also pass a security inspection and be tested for emissions.

All New "Bond" Series Announced

Satricial News Service
London, England

With Daniel Craig now gone from the long-running 007 series, Eon Productions has just announced an entirely new "00" series that is currently in production in the USA. You will see many of the old favorites in their new roles.

Notes from a Vaccine Sommelier - Vaccine Pairing

 

Satricial News Service
Washington, DC

A year ago we got our first selection of COVID vaccines to sample and compare “tasting notes”. Now almost a year later the FDC is recommending boosters. Some sources suggested mixing and matching boosters with their initial ones. So in this article, we looked at the “tasting notes” from our first pairing of vaccines.

Pfizer with Moderna

In our first flight of sampling, we paired an early harvest Pfizer vaccine with a slightly later release of a Moderna. Our panelists all thought the two paired well together.“Mild stick in the arm with a slight burn; After effects were similar to the Pfizer but with a slightly prolong body chill but not overpowering.” Our panelists gave the antibody response a 9 out of 10 on the COVID protection scale.

Moderna with J&J

In our last installment, J&J had just been released but we did not have a chance to see how it would age over time. Now we were able to pair the early release 2021 J&J with a 7 month aged Moderna. Both were mildly sharp in the arms with the Modern producing slightly more burn than the J&J. After effects were as expected with The Moderna, but the J&J left a slightly sweet taste in our mouth a day after receiving it. The panelists gave the antibody response an 8.7 on the COVID  protection scale.

Pfizer with J&J

Here we paired an 8-month-old aged Pfizer vaccine with a later release J&J. As expected the Pfizer vaccine produced a more pronounced “ouch” compared to the J&J. The characteristic body ache was more pronounced with the Pfizer, but relatively little from the following J&J. Most panelists detected a “flinty” after-taste in their mouth after both injections. They gave it an 8.6 for antibody response on the COVID protection scale.

J&J with Late Release J&J

When we first sampled the J&J, it was very young and had no time to age. We now we're able to pair this early Nouveau vaccine with one that had been aged at refrigerator temperature for more than 6 months.  The panelists all concluded that this seemed to have a minimal effect but might suggest a longer aging period.

“Overall the jab was moderate with pain-reducing after about 12 hours. Body ache was minimal.”

They gave it an 8.2 overall for the antibody response on the COVID protection scale.

Mob to open Their Own Abortion Clinic Franchise in Texas

 

Satirical News Service
Dallas, Texas

With Texas’s new abortion law soon going into effect, Planned Parenthood, the largest organization to provide abortions on demand has been pretty much shut down. This has left an opportunity for organized crime to fill the void it's left. In a statement given to SNS, the unnamed CEO explained their new venture. 

“We intend on opening new clinics throughout Texas under the brand name “Foget-Abowt-It”. The name pretty much explains it all. We’ve been offering safe sanitary and very private abortions to people in our own network for more than 80 years. Now we have the opportunity to offer this same service to the general public. In addition, this service comes with some added benefits. You won’t have to wade through a phalanx of unruly protestors. We’ve pretty much-taken care of that. We also ensure your privacy. Anyone threatening to bring a civil suit against you or anyone else in accordance with the new Texas law will receive a personal visit from one of our baseball bat welding enforcers. If the woman can’t afford to pay, we also use our enforcers to collect from the guy who knocked them up as well. "

Trump to Sign Formal Surrender to Taliban After Conversion to Islam

 

Trump shown here holding a copy the Koran after converting to Islam

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A new secret deal has been hammered out with leaders of the Taliban. After convincing Taliban leaders that Donald Trump is still the US President and has been re-instated just as he claimed. He will be flown to Kabul to sign a formal surrender to the Taliban after which will he be shown converting to Islam. In exchange, the Taliban will allow free unhindered passage to the US-held airport until the evacuation can be completed. Trump will be escorted to Kabul by US Marshalls willingly or unwillingly where he will have a choice to comply or come home in two pieces. Once he has complied, he will be allowed to fly to Russia to remain there free from US prosecution. In a statement by un-named government sources who brokered the deal, he said “Trump has said he wants to help the Afghan people and show how much rapport he has with the Taliban leaders, now he has a chance to.” The Biden Administration is saying it is a win-win situation for everyone.

Desperate Passengers Clamor Onto One of the Few SPIRIT Airlines Planes Actually Planning To Fly

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Chaos ensured at a major unnamed US airport today as desperate passengers, some of whom have been waiting for more than a week clamor to get onto a Spirit jet that is actually set to fly. Passengers were seen climbing over the wings, wheels, and holding onto anything that would enable them to get out on that flight. Spirit Airlines regrets the delays, but declined to comment on this scene.

Republicans Pushing to Liberate Greenland as Next US Military involvement

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the fall of Afghanistan now nearly complete, Republicans are trying to rally their party around a new military cause to deflect Trumps’s involvement in causing the Afghan collapse and Taliban victory.

“It’s important that we find a new war soon so we can have an excuse to call for boosting military spending and have lots of rallies and parades to show we support our troops”, said Lindsay Graham. “We are looking closely at Greenland as the site of our next military involvement. The fact that it has no army or even a sizable population makes it an ideal advisory. Also, we can paint it as the base of the ‘notorious terrorist group Global Warming which has recently attacked the US with forest fires, flooding, and heatwaves. We tried before to negotiate with the Danish government to surrender the territory to us, but they stubbornly refused. Now it’s time to take it ourselves. It’s time to Go Nuuk and liberate Greenland!”