Satirical News Service
Washington DC
In a
rambling news conference today, Trump declared that he is considering running
for Pope if he loses the US election.
“I know it inconceivable, but we have to be
prepared for all outcomes especially with the Democrats casting all those fake
mail-in ballots. But if I should lose, I’d consider running for Pope. All the
Catholics love me here because I appointed Amy Comey Barrett who will outlaw
abortion. I am already infallible so it’s an easy fit – and remember I
miraculously got cured from COVID19 with hardly any help from doctors. That
should count as a miracle, don’t you think? I also stopped Coronavirus early on
when I stopped people coming from Chy-na, the place they invented Coronavirus
in their secret labs. Nobody thought I could stop it, but I did – until the
Democrats forced people to wear face masks. That spread the virus faster than anything.
But I’d be a great Pope. Everyone says the current pope is way to old and
frail, and far too liberal. He wanted to bring pedophiles to justice. I’m
strongly against pedophiles as my Qanon friends will tell you. Priests should be
prosecuted for stuff like that. I prefer priests that molest underage girls,
like my friend Jeffery Epstein. My Evangelical friends say I should run for
King of the Jews instead, but Benjamin Netanyahu is already King there, and we
like him where he is. But one thing if I were Pope I’d never wear that stupid
little beanie. I like that big tall hat.”
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