Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
CDC officials have become increasingly alarmed at a new variant strain of Republicanism is gaining a foothold in the U S. This variant appears to be far more contagious and possibly virulent than earlier versions. According to the CDC it first was detected in October in small, isolated pockets of Republicans who steadfastly ignored health warnings by staging mass unmasked rallies mainly claiming that the election was going to be stolen by Democrats. By mid-November, cases skyrocketed infecting nearly 70 million people exclusively in the Republicans. It hit Congress especially hard with more than 116 members coming down with the strain. Efforts to control it through ballot recounts and court decisions do not appear to be successful in containing the spread. Researchers have identified patient zero, identified here only as DT to protect his identity. Unlike traditional Republicanism variants, this one seems to produce a mania in its victims. Early symptoms are the inability to distinguish truth from fiction and a complete inability to relate to facts. Once the victims become infected there appears almost no way to cure them. News outlets such as OAN and even Fox News appear to be super-spreaders of this variant. So far, the only hope to contain this is an inoculation of Democratic values that are currently in nationwide trials. One trial is currently underway in Georgia, and nationwide inoculations of this vaccine can begin as early as 2022. It is hoped that if it appears successful in Georgia, the CDC will approve it nationwide in 2022.
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