Florida Legislature Takes up Bill for Background Checks and Waiting Period to Checkout Library Books

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

The Republican led Florida legislature today put forward a new bill that would require background checks for all persons wishing to obtain a library card and a 10 day waiting period before checking out any library books.

“While we realize that this may impact some law abiding people who just want to read a nice mystery novel , there are some others who may want to check out books like How to give yourself an Abortion, or My happy fun-filled Life as a Transgender. These type of WOKE books pose an eminent danger to our impressionable youths, and out of an abundance of caution, we must have these measures in place to protect them.”

Meanwhile the Florida Legislature repealed laws requiring people to obtain a permit for concealed weapons and eliminated age requirements for firearms purchases.

 

Previously unknown Balloon Liberation Front Responsible for Recent Incursions

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A previously unknown group called the Balloon Liberation Organization With a United Purpose, or BLOWUP for short, has claimed responsibility for the recent incursions of balloons into US and Canadian airspaces. In their statement, they said, “For too long we have watched our brothers and sisters chained down and wantonly deflated." 

"We have witnessed our children being popped simply for amusement at birthday parties. It’s time now that we fight back. We plan to launch armies of untethered balloons over your cities to terrorize your citizens until we liberate all of our brothers and sisters. Our motto, Latex Lives Matter!”

Chinese Spy Balloons Released at 2020 RNC Convention to Spy on Trump

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Congressional  Investigators who are now looking into the recent Chinese Balloon incursion have uncovered evidence that these same miniaturized  Chinese spy balloons were released in mass  at the 2020 RNC convention. It is believe by members of that committee that it was done in an effort to spy on the Trump Campaign and change the results of the election. Jim Jordan (R) and Marjorie Taylor Greene(R) who head the committee point out that “this is just more evidence that the Chinese interfered with the election in an effort to deny Trump another term.” According to Jordan, “It is clear from these pictures that those balloons released at the RNC are exactly the same as the one as the Chinese one recently shot down over US waters, only made much smaller."

Chinese Now Claim That “Balloon” Was Really A Rare Species Of “Air Whales” Looking For It’s Calves

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a new twist to the Chinese balloon saga, the Chinese government in Beijing now are claiming that the so-called Spy ship” that the US shot down, was actually a rare species of  “Air Whale” that must have strayed into US territory apparently looking for its two young claves that it had recently given birth to. To prove this the Chinese released photos of the mother with her two newly born calves somewhere over the Pacific before it was shot down. 

Long Lines of Republican Asylum Seekers at US Mexico border

 

Satirical News Service
El Paso, TX

Long lines of Republicans stretched for miles along the US-Mexico border in El Paso, Texas as they await the imminent release of the January 6th Commission recommendations for indictments this week.

“We know what’s coming”, said one asylum seeker.  "Anyone remotely involved with Trump is likely to be named in this report. Our only hope is to seek asylum in Mexico before they release it." The long lines of these Republicans mirror those of Latin Americans seeking to come into the US when the border reopens for asylum seekers. 

One former staffer who wishes to remain un-named remarked “This would have been a lot easier without that damned wall”.

Ron DeSantis Demands an End to Teaching "Woke" Germ Theory of Disease

 

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

After demanding a grand jury investigation into Faucci and the vaccine mandates, DeSantis doubled down demanding an end to the teaching of “germ theory” in public schools upon which modern medicine is based, and instead focusing on teaching “The imbalance of humours” as the cause of diseases.

In his announcement, DeSantis stated, “This is just one more example of pushing the “Woke view” of science. For many years the imbalance of the humours had been taught here in Florida as the primary cause of diseases. Dung poultices, leeches, tobacco, and swinging poisonous serpents overhead were widely accepted here to treat diseases. Now Democrats led by Faucci want us to believe that naturally spreading viruses and germs other than those artificially created in Chinese laboratories are the cause of diseases. They want to force people to take vaccines instead which everyone knows causes autism. We need to stop this, and I’ll  be the one to lead this effort!.”

Republicans wants More Restrictions on Stiletto Heels

 

Stiletto Heeled Shoes similar to the type that subdued an alleged firearms owner

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A caucus of  Gun Rights Republicans led by Lauren Boebert and Josh Hawley is pushing for more extreme regulation of Stiletto  heeled shoes like the ones worn recently by a Drag Queen who used them to successfully subdue the gunman at the Gay night club in Colorado Springs this week.

“These things really have no real purpose in our society except to maim and potentially kill innocent (or at least unproven guilty) gun owners who are simply protecting their First Amendment Rights. While I can appreciate that some honest law abiding straight women may choose to wear them as a “fashion statement”, they are often the shoes of choice by certain “other groups” who may have a more nefarious purpose. We propose a thorough background check on anyone wishing to purchase these, and a 14-day waiting period. Owners of said footwear will be required to have a permit anytime they are worn out in public. We also propose outlawing  any shoes over a size 8 and thinner than 1 inch and longer than 2 inches.  The NRA has come out strongly in favor of such legislation.