President Trump Signs Executive Order Decriminalizing Perjury and Lying to Congress

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the threat of a full-blown Senate Trial with potential witnesses being called, Donald Trump today took preemptive actions by signing an Executive Presidential Order decriminalizing Perjury and Lying to Congress or the FBI.

In his address Trump said,

“Too many people have been caught up in these schemes and put in jail for simply lying to investigators or Congress. Everyone knows that you have to tell lies in order to get people to believe you – that’s the only way to get government to work for the people. Look how many people have lost faith in their leaders when they stopped believing that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. We need to preserve those lies for our own protection. Law enforcement is constantly hand-tied when they shoot down criminals who happen to not have a weapon. By enabling those brave enforcers to lie with impunity protects society by eliminating potential criminals from doing what we said they were going to do in the first place. Look what happened in Iran when they “admitted they shot down the Iranian airliner” – riots in the street. You can bet that when I shoot something down I won’t be admitting it or else I’ll say it was trying to bomb us. So by signing this Executive order, people can no longer be charged with lying to law enforcement or Congress and those that have already been prosecuted will have a review of their sentences. The only exceptions to this order will be for women who lie about sexual assault or un-wanted behavior. For this crime, I plan to make the penalties much harsher so that patriots like Brett Kavanaugh never have to face such a public and un-warranted humiliation again. This is what will Make America Great Again."