Guy Fawkes Was Innocent – He NEVER lit the fuse

Satirical News Service
London, England

A new group has formed who want Guy Fawkes posthumously and Guy Fawkes  Day celebrations eliminated. Taking a page from the Republican’s defense of Donald Trump in the recent Impeachment hearings, they stated,

“The whole thing was a witch hunt. It was just a plot by Parliament to frame the Catholics. In fact, Guy Fawkes, even though he was caught with a torch in the basement of parliament, HE NEVER LIT THE FUSE! His confession was got under torture when he was only trying to point out corruption in the houses of Parliament – something we do all the time."

ReJector Set - This Season's Hottest New Toy

Say Republicans! This Holiday set your boy on a path to a  wonderful life in politics with Gilbrets latest hit toy, ReJector Set. 

With this toy, your boy can construct his own world of Alternative Facts that completely defy truth and logic. He can build Alt-Facts so realistic that congressmen, lawyers, and even presidents will swallow them completely. As time goes on he can add even more “yarns” to the set to build even bigger and wilder Alternative Facts.

Before long your boy will be running as a Republican for Congress, the Senate, even the Presidency all because of his ReJector Set.

*Not responsible for any future charges of perjury, obstruction of justice, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors resulting from this toy. Choking hazard exists from swallowing any parts of this toy.

Thanksgiving-Gate – New Quid Pro Quo Revelations

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 New revelations have just emerged about a new quid pro quo deal between President Trump and “Bread-and-Butter”, this year’s pardoned turkey. In a complaint filed by a whistle-blower, it is alleged that Trump only agreed to pardon “Bread-and_Butter” in exchange for the turkey issuing a blanket pardon for Trump’s impeachment charges, and also investigate the Bidens. The whistle-blower is identified only as something of the feathered variety that spent his entire life in a barnyard and had first-hand knowledge of the arrangement. 

Congress is expected to take up the matter right after the Thanksgiving holiday if “Bread-and-Butter” can still be found. Republicans are already demanding “the head of the whistle-blower”, literally.

Obama Very Upset That Trump Extorted Ukraine To Investigate the Bidens Instead Of Him

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Former President Barack Obama expressed his extreme disappointment that Trump wanted to extort the President of Ukraine to investigate the Bidens instead of him. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he said,

“The Bidens? The Bidens! REALLY. If anyone should be extorted to be investigated it should be about ME. I worked darn hard to fake my US birth certificate,  and what about all those nude photos of Trump I released to hackers, and of course there is that Steele Dossier that I created. The Bidens (distainfully)! They didn’t do SHIT. The best they were going to get on Hunter was the fact that they paid him a ridiculous salary to sleep till 11:00 am and play golf all the time. We already know that the Republicans think that’s perfectly fine. They got nothing there. ME….. well, maybe he can extort the Norwegians next time “

Whistle Blower Might Appear at Impeachment Trial as “Santa Claus”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In anticipation that Impeachment charges go forward and the case goes before the Senate for trial, Republicans are expecting to call forth “The Whistle Blower” to testify. In a shrewd effort  to both protect his identity, credibility and protect him from attacks by the Right, the whistle blower’s lawyers have proposed dressing him head-to-toe as Santa Claus. According to his lawyer,

“No one in their right mind is going to attack Santa Claus – especially during the Christmas Holidays. Anyone who has seen  Miracle on 34^th Street knows how that plays out. He could simply say 'his elves were the ones who told him that Trump was being a bad boy' without having to name specific names. Everyone already knows that Santa and his elves are always watching our every move, and they know when we’ve been naughty and when we’ve  been nice.”

NFL Referee Called to Testify at Impeachment Hearings - "He's a Whistle-blower"

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A very surprised and well-known referee for the NFL was called to testify before the Congressional Impeachment Committee. Under oath, he testified that "he did on many occasions blow his whistle when he saw rules being violated". He also testified that "he was not present during the notorious telephone call between Trump and Zelensky, and he had no idea why he was there." Adam Schiff then replied, "we have literally met the Republican's demand to produce the Whistleblower to provide testimony to the Impeachment Committee. Case Closed"

FOX TV to Air “The Real Counter Impeachment Hearings” Reality TV Show

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the Impeachment hearings becoming more and more devastating to the President, FOX TV is immediately airing a New “Counter Impeachment Hearings Reality TV Show”. This time actors will portray witnesses who will be carefully scripted to say contradictory statements that betray their partisanship. The Grand Inquisitor will be Donald Trump Himself who will “tear-them-a-new-one”.  An actor will portray Adam Schiff as a Bumbling idiot spouting vindictive lies and transparent falsehoods against the President.

According to TV executives at FOX, they expect to capture all of the FOX News audience who will prefer these fake ones instead of the real ones.