Trump to Sign Formal Surrender to Taliban After Conversion to Islam

 

Trump shown here holding a copy the Koran after converting to Islam

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A new secret deal has been hammered out with leaders of the Taliban. After convincing Taliban leaders that Donald Trump is still the US President and has been re-instated just as he claimed. He will be flown to Kabul to sign a formal surrender to the Taliban after which will he be shown converting to Islam. In exchange, the Taliban will allow free unhindered passage to the US-held airport until the evacuation can be completed. Trump will be escorted to Kabul by US Marshalls willingly or unwillingly where he will have a choice to comply or come home in two pieces. Once he has complied, he will be allowed to fly to Russia to remain there free from US prosecution. In a statement by un-named government sources who brokered the deal, he said “Trump has said he wants to help the Afghan people and show how much rapport he has with the Taliban leaders, now he has a chance to.” The Biden Administration is saying it is a win-win situation for everyone.

Desperate Passengers Clamor Onto One of the Few SPIRIT Airlines Planes Actually Planning To Fly

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Chaos ensured at a major unnamed US airport today as desperate passengers, some of whom have been waiting for more than a week clamor to get onto a Spirit jet that is actually set to fly. Passengers were seen climbing over the wings, wheels, and holding onto anything that would enable them to get out on that flight. Spirit Airlines regrets the delays, but declined to comment on this scene.

Republicans Pushing to Liberate Greenland as Next US Military involvement

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the fall of Afghanistan now nearly complete, Republicans are trying to rally their party around a new military cause to deflect Trumps’s involvement in causing the Afghan collapse and Taliban victory.

“It’s important that we find a new war soon so we can have an excuse to call for boosting military spending and have lots of rallies and parades to show we support our troops”, said Lindsay Graham. “We are looking closely at Greenland as the site of our next military involvement. The fact that it has no army or even a sizable population makes it an ideal advisory. Also, we can paint it as the base of the ‘notorious terrorist group Global Warming which has recently attacked the US with forest fires, flooding, and heatwaves. We tried before to negotiate with the Danish government to surrender the territory to us, but they stubbornly refused. Now it’s time to take it ourselves. It’s time to Go Nuuk and liberate Greenland!”

Taliban Fighters in Afghanistan Show Off Captured Aircraft Carrier

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As the Taliban fighters sweep quickly over much of Afghanistan, they are showing pictures of all the US equipment that was captured or left behind that is now in the hands of their fighters. The latest one shows victorious Taliban fighters showing off their latest prize, a captured vintage US Aircraft carrier that was sent to bolster Afghan Naval forces at a cost of several billion dollars. This is quite a surprise since not only does Afghanistan NOT have a navy, but this is a semi-arid landlocked country with no navigable waterways. It is uncertain just what the Taliban would do with such a thing, but US intelligence suggested it might be used as a soccer field.

Psychic Group wants $10 million to Prove 2020 Election Fraudulent

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With the Cyber Ninjas coming up with squat in their 6 month effort to find fraudulent ballots in Arizona, a new group has come forward wanting 10 million dollars in donations to conclusively prove that Biden’s victory was fraudulent. This group is the Patriotic Psychic Society of America; They believe that they have the tools and expertise to conclusively prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the election was stolen from Donald Trump. Its leader who goes by the name of “All Seeing Eye” said in an interview, “We have the necessary tools to get this job done right. These are high-tech Ouija boards 10 times more sensitive than standard ones, crystal balls, Taro cards, and séances conducted by expert mediums who have been communicating with dead people who will swear affidavits that they voted in the last election for Biden by absentee ballot. They will also show that rogue deep state psychics from the Democratic party were seen in trans-like states outside of polling places that had voting machines manufactured by Dominion.  It is well known that some psychics have the power to bend spoons – how much harder would it be to change electronic votes?”

This society claims that it has already been prophesized that Trump will be reinstated in August. We intend to supply definitive proof to make that happen. 

NRA Highlights Chinese Gold Medal in Shooting as Need for More Guns in US.

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After a Chinese woman took the gold medal in rifle shooting at yesterday’s Olympic games in Tokyo, the NRA seized upon this to warn Americans that the Chinese were becoming better marksmen than Americans. “Just think of the horror as millions of Chinese invade our shores and can outshoot us “, said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “We need more guns – Not Less! Instead of trying to get more vaccinations into people’s arms, we need to get more guns into people’s hands and train them how to shoot before those Chinese Commies come over and outgun us!”

Trump Considering Dr. Christian Emmanuel Sanon as VP running mate in 2024

 

Satirical News Service
Mar a Lago, FL

Donald Trump let it leak that he is seriously considering Dr. Christian Emmanuel Sanon for his running mate in 2024.  In case you missed it Dr. Sanon is under investigation and likely indictment in Haiti for plotting to kill the President there. He is however a dual US and Hattian citizen and resident of Florida and a strong Trump supporter. He is also black and the name Christensen bodes well with Trump's evangelicals. Trump said “He knows how to get things done. Unlike that  weak putz Pence, when Samon didn’t like the election outcome in Haiti, he knew what to do.”