Trump Cancels Visit to Arlington Due to Threat of Rain

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Trump today canceled plans to visit the graves of fallen soldiers at Arlington National Cemetary due to an imminent threat of rain in the forecast - just as he did in Europe for the VE Day Celebrations a year ago. Tweeting early this morning,

"It looks like it is going to rain today, so I am canceling my visit to Arlington. Besides, I like soldiers who are living and a lot less likely to die than dead ones. So instead I plan to visit our heroic Servicemen and Women who are shoring up our Southern Border and building my great big beautiful Wall."

Mafia Plans to Offer Their Own Abortion Clinics in States that Have Outlawed It

Satirical News Service
Newark, New Jersey

An unidentified spokesperson from one of the leading Crime families in the US stated that the Mob has plans underway to enter the market for providing their own abortion clinics in states that have passed laws that criminalize the practice. According to this unnamed source, 

“We’ve had a lot of experience providing needed services in areas that have delegitimized things – from drugs, booze and gambling, to short term loans. The more government tries to criminalize the legitimate access to things, the more people need us and we profit. We know who to pay off and how to keep law enforcement and politicians from interfering in our operations. As long as people have the need for these things – we’ll provide the service, albeit for a slightly higher price. We don’t bother with health insurance – it’s strictly cash. If you don’t have the dough right now, we can provide loans at our usual rates. If the gal doesn’t pay-up, we go after the boyfriend who knocked her up. I’d say there is a certain justice there. We’ve been providing this service to our own Molls since the 1920’s. We got some of the best docs in the country, so there’s no worry about safe and sanitary. In our operations, there ain't such a thing as malpractice."

Donald Trump Announces his Candidacy as a Democratic Presidential Candidate

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Joining the more than 23 other announced candidates who have announced bids to run for President in 2020 as a Democrat, Donald Trump today, also announced inexplicably his candidacy to run on the Democratic ticket. In his statement to the Press, he stated, “Democrats really love me, they do. It’s only because Nancy Pelosi and Rick Schumer spread so many lies about me in their fake witch hunts that Democrats feel they have to vote Democratic. Once I enter their primaries, I’ll run-the-table on them and easily win their own nomination for President. That way I’ll actually be the ONLY choice for President. Either way, I win."

Election officials are not sure this is even legal and are looking into it. Meanwhile, Trump has plans to campaign as both Democrat and Republican in the upcoming primaries.

US Postal Service Announces New NEVER stamp portraying Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After announcing the USPS is issuing a new FOREVER stamp to honor George H Bush Sr., it also announced that it was issuing another NEVER stamp portraying Donald Trump. According to postal authorities, it will not stick to anything. The adhesive on the back will make you gag and vomit. Letters sent with this stamp will go nowhere, and the actual denomination of it is unknown since Trump will not reveal how much it is actually worth.

Spell Checker Changes All Instances Of Collusion To Collision In Mueller Report

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort of complete the report on time, Mueller’s staff ran it through Windows’ Spell Checker, and only later discovered to their horror that it had changed every instance of the word “Collusion” to “Collision”. The President’s chief defense counsel stated that it confirmed that there was absolutely no Collusion mentioned anywhere in the report. Apparently, the Spell checker also changed the word “Conspiracy" to "Controversy“, and for some strange and unexplained reason, it also changed the phrase “We therefore conclude that an indictment should be sought against Donald Trump” to phrase “We therefore conclude that an indictment should be sought against Hillary Clinton”. Staffers from Mueller’s office were aghast that such an egregious error had happened, but they speculate that it might have had something to do with the technicians who were fiddling with Mueller’s computer last week who had very strange foreign accents.

Trump Readies Millions of Paper Towel Rolls to Go to Midwest Flood Victims

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Trump administration today announced that it was readying a shipment of more than a million rolls of paper towels to be thrown out to the recent victims of the floods that are ravaging the Midwest right now. In a recent Tweet, Trump proclaimed “This is the best solution we can offer these poor victims of the flooding right now. Unfortunately the levee projects that might have mitigated or prevented those  and future floods will have to wait since the funds that were allocated to the Army Corp of Engineers has to be redirected to build my urgently needed Border Wall.”

Trump insists There Was No Collusion Between Lion Air and Ethiopian Jets

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a hastily convened press conference President Trump Announced that despite the FAA’s decision to ground  the US fleet of 737-Max airplanes, he insisted  emphatically that “there was no collusion between the two jets- none at all.” He went on to state “while there may be some similarities, like both jets suddenly nose-diving into the ground after take-off, I can assure you that there was no collusion between those two jets or any other jets. This whole thing is just a witch hunt to take the focus away from my urgently needed wall, which by the way would have prevented those unfortunate people from flying on those jets in the first place.”