Officials Recommend Demolition of the Remaining Parts of the Republican Party

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington, D.C. 

 

Six months after the partial collapse of Republican party, officials have determined that the remaining Trump Wing of the party demonstrates very poor stability and must be demolished for safety reasons.  

 

Officials had warned of these problems for years, but they continued to ignore them. In the last inspection crumbling moral standards, and lax enforcement of ethical and legal codes were risking a disastrous collapse of the entire structure. Even when this happened many refused to accept that it had actually collapsed, especially those in the remaining standing structure often called the “Trump Wing”. Experts have said that this is at risk of collapsing any minute. One expert told reporters,“Lies are appearing throughout the foundation, and erosion of any moral standing has been going on for a long time because of poor decisions by the owners." 

Despite this, many of the residents there refused to leave saying that the safety assessment is all fake and all the structure needs is some minor maintenance. 

California Governor Gavin Newsom to Send Privately Funded National Guardsmen to South Dakota

 

Lawless Motorcycle gangs descend on South Dakota

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following South Dakota governor Kristi Noem’s announcement of her plan to send “privately funded” National Guardsmen to the Texas-Mexico border to “enforce immigration laws” there, California Governor Gavin Newsome announced plans to send National Guardsmen from his state to South Dakota to manage hoards of motorcycle gangs. In his statement, he said,

“It is a huge crisis in that state. Raucous and lawless motorcycle gangs are ignoring drinking, traffic, and weapons laws  throughout  that state and the governor is doing nothing about it – in fact encouraging them to come for rallies there. I will therefore be sending about 50 National Guard troops that will be directly under my command to enforce the laws there. Taxpayers need  not worry about the cost, as rich Hollywood producers have agreed to fully fund this operation in exchange for movie rights to the ensuing melee."

Republicans Come Out In Favor Of Restricting People with Pre-Existing Conditions from Voting

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

With pressure mounting on Republicans to try to reach some compromise on HR1, the Voting Rights Bill, House Minority leader Mitch McConnell came out today saying he’d support a bill for voting rights as long as it contained a provision that would prevent people with "pre-existing conditions" from voting in general elections. In his statement, he said that “the founding fathers did not want sick and mentally impaired people voting for our leaders. We owe it to them to honor that sentiment.”

While he was not specific about what conditions those might be he indicated that it would be up to individual states to decide. He also indicated that these did not even have to be chronic medical conditions, but could be something as simple as “excess melatonin in their skin pigmentation”.

Newly Discovered DaVinci Drawing of Satellite Proves Election Conspiracy Theory

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A newly discovered drawing by Leonardo DaVinci of a Satellite similar to the one that theorists say altered the electoral votes for Trump in the last election conclusively proves this theory. It shows that as early as the 14^th century Italians were planning on meddling with the results of the last election. Cryptologiists using known codes that DaVinci used have uncovered the phrase “Trumpa he’s a no good. Thisa gonna fixa his reelection”.

Trump University Now Offering Degrees in Medical Related Fields

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Trump University has just announced that it will be offering degrees in health-related fields. First to be included are Infectious Diseases, Pharmacology, Eugenics, and Epidemiology.
In their announcement, the 45^th President emphasized, “….that fake science establishment has long dominated medicine and prevented perfectly good “alt-medicine” education from being taught. With the awesome power of Trump's broad reach and genius in every scientific field, we here at Trump University can bridge that gap and offer a degree in “alt-medicine”,  that is not dictated by liberals or Critical Race Theory”.  With your Trump-based education, we guarantee you’ll go far having Trump’s already enormous popular base to draw your clients from who will believe anything you tell them as long as Trump says it’s true. Tuition starts at $10,500.

Jeff Bezos to Convert Space Capsule into a Homeless Shelter

 

Satirical News Service

Washington, D. C..

In a display of magnanimity multi-Billionaire Jeff Bezos announced plans to convert his Blue Dragon space Capsule into a shelter for the homeless after he completes his up-coming space flight later this year. In his statement he said “I just want to show the world that I’m not the prick people think I am. Besides, the asshole who buys the third seat is basically paying for the thing already. What else can I do with a used space Capsule.”. 

Chinese -Amish Alliance Poised To Threaten Entire Us Economy*

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

SNS has recently obtained a top-secret report indicating a growing secret alliance between the Amish community and China. While the Chinese have dominated the High tech Industry for over a decade now thanks to weak liberal trade and copyright policies, the Chinese have found themselves behind in the Low-Tech sector. The report indicates that Chinese officials have a plan to totally dominate this sector, but lack the know-how. In order to overcome this, they have formed an unlikely alliance with US Amish Communities. They plan to steal all their low-tech ideas and produce these items in their own “slave-run” factories.

The report goes on to state “In the coming decade the growing radical liberal climate change worriers will outlaw all drilling and mining of fossil fuels and leave most American motorist totally without means of transportation – except for the Amish who have perfected the low tech means. The Chinese hope to start a crash program to mass-produce these vehicles that can be powered by a variety of animals and humans." The Chinse have also surmised that those same liberals will ban meat and dairy products which would then produce a huge surplus of animals that could be used to harness these vehicles. They could also be run by human power which the Chinese are now testing using unruly dissidents to powers the vehicles.

In exchange for their cooperation, the Amish will be getting some of the latest Chinese Solar-powered space lasers that they can use to offset the effects of climate change. Top secret photos have surfaced revealing such devices being readied to launch at undisclosed Amish farms.

Both MTG (Majorie Taylor Greene) and Josh Hawley have demanded Congressional investigations into these very credible reports.

*This report is a total fabrication meant to be Satirical In nature