Putin files brief in US Court today demanding Return of Trump’s Classified Documents to Him

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Today Vladimir Putin filed briefs today in Federal Court to demand that the classified documents that were seized in the FBI raid on Mar a Lago be returned to him. 

“I bought them from Trump more than a year ago in a secret deal. He kept stalling saying he can’t remember where he left them. Now FBI come and take them all. They don’t belong to FBI, they belong to me!"

Trump’s lawyers declined to comment on this new revelation except to say that Mr. Putin does raise a valid argument for their return.

Ron DeSantis Proposes new BROKE Act in Florida

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Riding high on the success of his recent passage of the Stop WOKE Act in Florida which among other things forbids teachers from talking about or even mentioning LGBTQ subjects or Critical Race Theory in K12 classrooms, he now has plans to extend this “we-here in-Florida-don’t-need-to-hear such-talk” to the commercial and business sector. He has titled it the “BROKE Act”.

In the bill, any mention of COVID or Vaccinations by Cruise Lines or other businesses in Florida will be outlawed and could result in the loss of their business license. Also in this bill, local NEWS stations may not refer to any weather in Florida as “Climate Change” related. They may only say it was an “act of GOD”. Newscasters may also not refer in any way to the type of weapon used in a crime, but only say that “a weapon was used”.

Already in the law in Florida are laws preventing doctors from speaking about abortion procedures or offering it as an option. This law extends this to make it a crime to even use the word “abortion”, but must instead refer to it as “an illegal act”.

In his statement to the press, DeSantis stated. “In Florida we’re  BROKE and we’re proud of it”.

Florida also plans on issuing license plates with the motto, “Florida, the BROKE State”.

Supreme Court Ruling will Bring About A Different Sports Commentary to Football

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of coaches praying on the 50-yard line, sports commentaries will take on a totally new spin.

Commentor1:  Bill what did you think of that last play. Do you think the coach got it right?

Commentor2: Jim, I’ve seen a lot of calls but the use of Proverbs 24:17 was brilliant. “...lurk like a thief near the house of the righteous, and plunder their dwelling place”. The quarterback never saw it coming. He got sacked almost immediately.

Comentator2: How about the second-quarter defensive play. Do you think the coach was smart to go with Psalms 143:12 – "Thou shalt deliver me from evildoers and save me from bloodthirsty men. See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense of mine”?

Commentator1: No Bill, he would have been much better going with Psalms 123:2 - "...thou shalt quicken--bring out--cut off--destroy"

Commentator2: I think we can all agree that the coach totally blundered when he went with Psalms 23 in the 4^th quarter “...He maketh me lie down on green pastures”. That prayer probably cost them the game.

January Sixth Commission Released tape of Trump Phone call to Greenland's PM – “Where are my votes”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The January Sixth Commission has just now revealed a tape recording that Donald Trump made to Múte B. Egede, Current Prime Minister of Greenland, in December 2020. In the call, he demanded to know where the 7 million votes for him from Greenland. Here is a transcript of that call.

Trump: Good Evening Mr. Egede, this is President Donald Trump calling. I want to know what you did with the 7 million votes for me in the presidential election this past month?  

Múte: Mr. Trump, I have no idea what you are referring to. Greenlanders cannot vote in US elections

Trump: As you perfectly well know I bought your icebound little shit-hole country in August of 2019 and signed an Executive Presidential Order making it the 51^st state. Just ask Rudy Giuliani. The Democrats here are trying everything they can to steal the election from me. I need you to find me those 7 million votes so I can claim I won.

Múte: (silence) then (click)

Trump: Mute? Hellooooooo?

NRA Concierge Service Planned

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today the NRA announced that it was planning to offer an exclusive concierge service for people planning a mass shooting. In their statement about its purpose, the NRA stated the following.

"Planning a mass shooting event whether it’s in a mall, church, or local school can be a daunting affair. How much ammo should I buy? Is it the right caliber? How many weapons do I need and what type? What about tactical gear? Our concierge service can help answer these and many other questions and get you started on your way to whatever mass casualty event you’re planning. We’re contracted with hundreds of gun shops and military-type equipment vendors that can rent you all you need. No fussy background checks, no red flag checks, not even a lot of cash. You can simply charge it! Besides, you won’t be paying for it at all if things turn out the way you expect. We’ll supply all the guns, ammo, and tactical gear customized to the exact type of mass shooting you’re planning – even supply you with books on how to plan an assault. Also, the most important item that many people who are planning their mass shootings forget is their 'statement of motive'. Is your motive political?  Revenge?  Personal grudge? Without a clear and concise motive, many of your potential victims’ loved ones and the public will forever wonder what possessed you? We have skilled writers on staff who will guide you through this process enabling you to state your motives in such an impassioned way that should you survive and face trial, no self-respecting jury would ever convict you.  It all comes down to your GOD-given right to bear arms."

Christi’s Set to Auction Digital Farts for over 600 Thousand Dollars

Satirical News Service 

New York, NY 

With the craze for NFT Digital Art starting to fade, entrepreneurs have come up with a new scheme for so-called NFTs, Digital Farts! These are digitally captured sounds of rather loud flatulence accompanied by a scratch-and-sniff matrix. When each cell is scratched, it releases a unique odor of the creator’s own flatulence. Each of the pieces on auction will contain 25 unique farts and smells and each one bearing their own NFT. Since each of the 20 cells of sounds and smells can only be used once, it only increases its value to collectors. “Imagine if you could experience the actual sound and smell of great artists like Picasso or Van Gough. It would be just like you are in the room right next to them sharing a uniquely intimate experience “. 

Baby Formula Shortage Linked to High Levels of CRT Contamination

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 The nationwide shortage of baby formula that has swept this country has now been linked to the closure of one of the three factories that make baby formula here in the USA due to high levels of CRT that were contaminating large batches. The entire production had to be recalled and production stopped. CRT or Critical Race Theory has recently been appearing in Children’s storybooks, school curriculums, and even Math textbooks. Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis has even gone so far as to ban the teaching of Math until new CRT-free textbooks can be produced. The factory that produced the contaminated baby formula suspects that the production line might have gotten contaminated when some Antifa leaning employee brought in a copy of “WOKE BABY” to share with her co-workers. The contamination spread into the product line and the whole factory had to be shut down for purging. The “so-called shortage” is also linked to retailers who are intentionally hoarding stockpiles of it in anticipation of an explosion in the US birthrates after the Supreme Court overturns Roe vs. Wade, and states begin passing and enforcing draconian anti-abortion laws. The billions of abortions that happen almost daily in those states will be reduced to a trickle, and all those babies will be born en-mass. Demand for Baby formula will skyrocket and we’ll profit mightily. THANK YOU, SCOTUS!