Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Today, the Trump transition team named Air Force General Jack D. Ripper to become the next head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He is most known for his strong views on Fluoridation
and willingness to take extraordinary measures to prevent, in his words, “the
sapping and impurification of our natural bodily fluids”.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
With the election over, Trumpers are speculating on who he picks for cabinet posts (regardless of qualifications), online gaming sites have decided to offer a new game, Fantasy Trump Cabinet. This is an online fantasy game much like Fantasy Football where pundits pick who they think will be posted to Trump’s new cabinet and Supreme Court appointments. Fan Dual and Draft Kings will also offer bets on how long these individuals remain in their new positions before they are fired or resign. Market analysis has shown that this appeals more to Gen Z men than actually following political events or issues.
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
In one of his first moves as President, Donald
Trump has agreed to sell three of the most prized National Parks to Elon Musk,
thus relinquishing any federal control over them. The three parks are Yosemite,
Yellowstone, and The Grand Canyon. Although the sale will need Senate approval, it is expected to be easily passed along the
new Party lines. In his statement about what he intends to do with the parks,
Elon Musk said that admission will now be strictly limited to 1000 people a
day. Their entrance will only be selected by lottery of which includes a
mandatory signing of a petition demanding that Elon Musk be able to decide to do
whatever he wants with National Parks. While Native Americans still own parts
of The Grand Canyon, access in and out of those areas will be strictly limited
to resident inhabitants only. As for other plans, Musk hinted he’d love to see the glory
days of Buffalo hunting brought back to Yellowstone National Park.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
After the “Haitian Eating Pets” and then last night’s “Puerto Rico Island of garbage” comments, the critical stockpile of minorities and groups to offend is getting dangerously low. According to one campaign official, “We had to bring out the 'praising Hitler’s generals comment' which we had kept in reserve since there were still a few Military Veterans who hadn’t been offended by the 'suckers and losers' comments. But now with the Hitler praises used, we are at the point where we just can’t find any new groups and people insult. We are looking into Methodists and Presbyterians, but it’s hard to find insulting things about them. Eskimos are another group we haven’t insulted yet, but who knows what might offend them? We’re asking the public if they know of any good insults for people we have still not offended, please call us at 1-800-INSULT."
Satirical
News Service
New York, New York
Secret service agents assigned to guard former President
Trump received a frantic 911 call stating that onlookers had seen Donald Trump
leaving Trump Towers brandishing a Glock pistol and muttering “I’ll show them I
keep my promises!”
Agents were able to shortly corral a protesting Trump into a vehicle and away from the scene. Requesting anonymity, one of the agents said he was headed for Fifth Avenue to shoot someone to prove what he had stated early in the 2016 campaign, that "he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any support". Recently reports have shown him slipping in the polls and many people voiced concerns about his declining mental state. He indicated he was going to show his base followers that “I mean what I say, and I am the sanest man alive.” I
immediately the Trump Campaign tried to spin this episode with VP candidate Vance going on FOX News to
state “He was only doing this to show his strong support for the Second
Amendment – He certainly had no intention of actually shoot anyone. Let’s focus
on the real issues like Kamala Harris’s claim that she once worked at McDonalds”.
In a statement issued to FOX News today, Trump announced what he would do to end the strike at Boeing Aircraft and answer many concerns about their lack of safety. In his statement he said,
“On day one I
would nationalize Boeing and fire all the striking workers - they’re lazy and incompetent.
I’d replace them all with 13-year-old
boys. Have you ever seen how fast they can assemble one of those plastic
model airplanes? It's incredible! If they can put together one of those, they can assemble a
real airplane. Besides, they are the only ones who can fit in those tiny seats they
plan on putting in all the planes now. Best of all, we'll only pay them $2.50 an hour with no benefits and they'll be thrilled with it. All the
managers would go too. I’d put my best friend Elon 'jumping-jack-flash' Musk in charge of the whole company. He'll Make Flying Great Again!"
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
In response to Donald Trump’s claim that Harris lied about
working a McDonald's, Harris responded by challenging Trump to a McDonald's “shift-off”. The rules would be that each candidate would have to work an entire
shift at one of the more popular McDonalds. They would be required to work just
the two of them and handle all operations that a 16-year-old employee would.
That would include cooking burgers and other items, packing meals, making
fries, and managing the cash register. They would get only 2 15-minute breaks,
and a manager would grade them on how well they fulfilled or did not fulfill
their job duties. Harris said this way Trump could get some idea of what real
people have to do in their low-wage jobs. At the moment, Trump has not yet
responded to the question of whether he will take up the challenge.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
In the wake of Trump’s recent remark stating “If
I lose it’ll be because of Jewish voters”, Religious leaders from across the
spectrum expressed outrage.
“Why should Jewish voters get all the credit?" stated one Presbyterian pastor, “Many
of our faith hate him equally and want
some credit for his defeat”. Another minister from the Unitarian Church expressed equal sentiments “These days the Jews
seem to always be in the spotlight for everything. We Unitarians have been
working very diligently to dump the Trump”. Even Hindus and Atheists are outraged and said if Trump loses they want a share of the credit as well.
I named him as my VP to the RNC
I
know he’d be obedient to no one but me
He
took center stage and appeared on TV
And
no one could believe he was crazier than me
Vance,
Vance wherever you may be
Calling
out Cat ladies and Haitian Refugees
He
criticizes the media and the Press at every chance
Since
I am the Lord over JD Vance
He
is a more extreme running mate everyone will vouch
I
just keep him away from dogs and the living room couch
And
when it comes to weirdness there is no one he can’t beat
Especially
with his comments on what Haitians eat
Vance,
Vance you really have them rolling
Just
watch my numbers rise as the polls keep on polling
He’s
my useful fool, and I’ll use him every
chance
For
I am the Lord over JD Vance
Satirical News Service
Washington DC
RFK Jr. today took sharp exception to VD Vance’s
recent remarks about Haitian Immigrants in Springfield, Ohio eating family and
neighbor’s pets.
“There
is nothing wrong with eating your domesticated family pet, although I would
stop at eating your neighbor’s without their permission. Pets are humanly
raised and free from hormones and other additives found in the highly processed
foods at local grocery stores. They can be an exceptional healthy source
of protein. There are many feral cats and dogs just running around
neighborhoods presenting both a safety and health hazard as well as a great
tax burden for having to create and maintain “No-Kill” animal shelters, or euthanizing
and cremating these animals when they could be used for food. Many other countries
do this and save their taxpayers millions of dollars."
The NFL Network is now offering their Sunday Ticket football package with an option to get PiP (Picture in Picture) of Taylor Swift throughout the entire game. It will be at a premium though adding an additional $10 a month to the package. They hope to add other pop stars soon as well as the Philadelphia Eagles have a contract in the works with Bionce to appear in their booth for all games. Other teams are also considering signing pop stars as well.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Editorial
It
has become blatantly apparent in this election that unless you reside in a “Battleground
State”, you don’t mean shit. Sure, you can vote for some stupid local amendments or County
Coroner, but the real meat is in those battleground states. That’s why all
those “undocumented workers (wink-wink)” all want to flock there. Obviously, the solution to
leveling the playing field would be to eliminate the archaic electoral college
and have the direct election of the President. But THAT ain’t gonna happen in
our lifetime folks.
So
here's the next best thing. In addition to casting your vote for President and
Vice President, you can also cast your vote for which “battleground state” you
want it to count in. Surely you’ve heard the song "Georgia on My Mind”, well
why not make yourself a Virtual Voter in that state. “On Wisconsin” should be
able to be the fight song of anyone regardless of where they live. That way we
could have free and fair elections and still keep the stupid electoral college
in place, or alternatively give each state an equal number of electoral votes.
Just an idea…..but who knows.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
In a Speech today, JD Vance called out the Democrats for raising the
cost of owning Supreme Court justices. "It could cost the average American more
than $50,000 a year", (although he declined to specify how). Before the Democrats
started their vicious witch hunt against our 45th President Trump, we
could just pay them a nominal amount of about $800,00 a month to do our
bidding. But now they are saying that they have to work extra hard just to keep up with all
the lawsuits that Trump has filed to stay out of jail. "Alito is demanding at
least a million a month to postpone hearings, and Thomas wants double that! How
can the average American afford that? Our down-ballot campaigns are suffering
because we have to use all that money we collect from our sucker donors just to pay these guys off –and they keep raising
their prices. It’s all due to those
Democrats and Sleepy Joe Biden."
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
After Kamala Harris announced that Biden has finally
negotiated Medicare Drug prices with leading Pharmaceutical companies for the
first time and got the price of some of the most commonly used RX’d drugs down,
Trump lashed out showing how much drug prices have increased “under crooked Joe
Biden” since he left office, and promised to bring drug prices back down to the
levels they were at when he was president.
“It’s
terrible! Simply terrible! Crooked Joe and Kaammalala Harris have increased
drug prices by hundreds of percent. Middle-class Americans can no longer afford
to buy these drugs from their local dealers, which is costing their jobs. When
I’m president kids, seniors, and middle-class Americans will again be able to
afford these wonderful drugs.”
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Doctors with the Trump campaign have discovered previously un-diagnosed complications of injuries from the assignation attempt on Trump 3 weeks ago.
“At first we thought it was just his ear was affected, but after
seeing him speak at a recent conference of Black journalists, we re-examined
him and found that his mouth was severely affected by the shooting as well. We have prescribed a special “sanitary pad” to wear in his mouth at all rallies to prevent the injury from
worsening. While this may mean he will not actually be able to speak, he
will still be able to pantomime, dance, and do his typical gestures. At the same time, carefully
sanitized speeches are played over the loudspeakers. Sadly, this will prevent
him from debating Kamala Harris in September, and have written a note to the
organizers of the debate about this decision.”
Scientists from the USGS are baffled by the most recent geyser eruption in the Biscuit Basin at Yellowstone National Park that spewed a tower of red-colored, viscous substance more than 100 feet high into the air. Scientists who analyzed the substance reported, "It seems to very much resemble Ketchup in both color and viscosity. We have never seen anything like this before."
Coincidently the geyser erupted this week shortly after President
Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and declared his support for Kamala
Harris.
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
On FOX and Friends today, Donald Trump revealed he has an “Ace-In-The
Hole” to avoid any jail time that Judge Merchan might impose on him. In the
interview on FOX, Trump said, “ I’m not worried at all about going to jail because
I have an ace-in-the-hole plan. It’s an official “Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card”. Because
it was issued by Parker Brothers, It acts like the famous “letter of transit”
in the movie Casablanca. It cannot be rescinded by any court in the world. Once
I present this in Court, no matter what that wicked judge sentences me to I can
get out of jail free."
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Now exclusively from Truth Social, comes an offer of Commemorative Indictment Coins. Each of
these 34 coins, cast in zinc and coated with 14K gold, features the full text
of each of the vile and false Indictments of Donald Trump on one side. On the
other side, it depicts Donald Trump being crucified on the Cross with his loyal
supporters wailing at his feet. You’ll be able to hold and treasure these coins
for years to come. They will surely increase in value just like the shares of
Truth Social and NFT cards issued by Trump have. We are exclusively offering
these commemorative coins for $1000 each or the whole set of 34 for $35,000.
This is a tiny price to pay for remembering the terrible injustice that
befell our great patriotic leader just for doing his Presidential duty. If you
order now, we will include at no extra cost a facsimile of one of the checks
made out to Michael Cohen “for legal fees”
bearing Mr. Trump’s signature.
This offer will only be available for a short time, or until
Joe Biden's G-men close us down.
Shipping and handling are extra.
In a startling revelation by FOX News they revealed that in an upcoming biography of former President Jimmy Carter, it was revealed that he paid a
woman hush money not to disclose that he had “lusted in his heart for her”. In response, Trump
posted on “X” (formerly Twitter) that “All the Democrats have done it, but they
want to send ME to prison for it.”
Although the publication of the book is being withheld until
after Carter’s death, the author did disclose that Jimmy Carter revealed this
to his wife Roslyn soon after who demanded that he pay the woman. The woman’s name was not
revealed, nor the amount. But they did reveal that she was then a struggling
homeless woman with three kids. The “hush” money went to pay for clothes, for food, and temporary shelter for her and her children on the promise that she
never reveal who it was from.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
Secret memos obtained
by SNS have revealed Trump's secret strategy for the upcoming debate with Joe
Biden. Regardless of the outcome or lack of outcome of his current NY trial,
Trump will be appearing for the debate wearing an orange jumpsuit and shackles
on his arms. Since the Republicans basically have no platform other than
exporting and locking up a bunch of immigrants, and railing about Hannibal
Lecters are crossing our border. The
only other thing that he can do is focus on how persecuted he is by Biden and
those evil Democrats. So expect him to play the Nagorski card big time by
waving his shackles and ranting how even Jesus Christ wasn’t as persecuted as he
is now. It should make for great theater but don’t expect any actual issues to
be discussed. The Republicans only have one – Donald Trump.
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
According to Iowa’s
Republican Governor Kim Renolds, the prophecy that the mysterious cornfield
voice uttered “If you build it, they will
come” is coming true in Iowa. According to Governor Reynolds "Ever
since they build that damn ball field in a cornfield, it has been a magnet for
illegal immigrants to come through that cornfield into our state and raise holy hell. That’s why we
desperately need our own immigration laws so we can lock up all these illegal
immigrants and prevent them from voting democrat in the next election." She further claims that every day thousands
of illegals are coming through that cornfield having heard the voice. While many Iowans remain skeptical, she
insists “In the movie, people couldn’t see those ball players until they could.
It’s the same here. I can see ‘em, but many people – especially Democrats can’t.
So we need to pass that immigration bill and maybe build a wall around that
damn cornfield."
Figure 1: Villages couple here seen breaking ground for a new COSTCO
Satirical News Service
The Villages, FL
In a historic move, two Villagers have made a deal
with COSTCO to purchase their land and build a COSTCO in place of the
house they'd planned. Although they had been planning on building their “dream house on the lake” for more than
two years, when COSTCO announced they were
finally considering opening a store in the Villages, they offered to swap
their land (which had already been staked out to lay the foundation) for some
unspecific land somewhere else.
“Yes”, said the
couple, “it may mean delaying this
project for another couple of years or more, but there will always be other
lakes in Florida to build on. But who could pass up the chance to buy $5.00
roast chickens and giant flat-screen TV’s nearby. It’s a win-win”.
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
Frustrated that “Liberal-Know-Nothing-Witch-Hunting-Astrophysicists” have predicted that the totality of the 2024 Eclipse will miss Florida, Donald Trump drew his own map of totality for FOX News with his ever-powerful "Sharpie Pen”.
For those wishing to watch it live, you can follow it live as it happens while he draws it in real time on FOX News on April 8th.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
To show voters that he is better at solving International Disputes, Donald Trump rolled out his own plan
for what to do about Gaza and Palestine. According to Trump,
“There
are millions of people right now in Gaze with no place to go because Egypt won’t
let them settle there, and Israel feels they are to much of threat to stay
there. I propose we send them to Greenland! I’ll even buy it myself with my own Billions
of Dollars that I’m making from the sale the My Trump Network. There will be no
bombings there by Israel or anyone else.
They’ll be totally isolated so they can practice any damn radical Islamic religion they
want without being a threat to their neighbors. Rebuilding would be easy too since
there is plenty of snow and ice there to make igloos. They even say that parts
of Greenland are desert, so they’d be right at home there. “
Although
the last time he tried to “buy Greenland” the Danish weren’t too happy about
it, this time he said “I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
Satirical News Service
New York, NY
After launching his Trump Branded Bible for a mere $60
each, Donald Trump has come up with another great money-making scheme to “fleece his
flock”. He is going to launch Trump Branded Mega Churches throughout the country, starting in Deep-Red States like
Florida and Texas.
According to the text that Trump posted on his Truth Social
Network,
“America needs a new kind of church that does away with the WOKE ideology that is rampant
in all the other churches. You won’t find any of that in my church. My church
will stand for Guns, GOD, and Secure Borders. No more liberal sermons about 'Love thy Neighbor' and 'Turn the Other Cheek'. In my church, you'll hear sermons about reporting your
neighbors so they can be rounded up and deported, and if someone hits you on the cheek, you knock him flat. Any
religion can worship in my churches as long as they first worship me. You won't
find any voluntary collection plates either – it’s pay up front at the door for an amount
yet to be determined. The best part about this venture is that churches can’t
be taxed or prosecuted, since we stand for our First Amendment Right of “Freedom of Religion”. We’ll also offer a full line of crucifixes designed by my daughter featuring me,since nobody has been persecuted more than me, and lots and lots of
Religious books with children’s stories written by “you –know-who”. We’re gonna make millions!
Construction of the first one is expected as soon as he can
line up financing – which might take a while considering….
Satirical
News Service
New York, New York
In
a last-minute “reprieve”, Donald Trump was able to secure a bond for the nearly 500 million dollar judgment imposed by the New York Court for his fraud conviction. The source of funding came from a rather unusual source – a man known only by the name “Shylock”
who is known to be one of the chief Russian Mafia Dons. Shylock – a name that
bears no connection to Shakespeare’s Shylock agreed to put up the bond in
exchange for “5 pounds of Donald Trump’s flesh taken from whatever parts we
want”. He has until the appellate court
rules to repay the bond.
“Let’s
just say if he don’t come up with the payback, this ain’t gonna be no
liposuction job. My boys are going to get it the old-fashioned way. After that
he goona be talking with a much higher voice – and he won’t have to worry about
grabbing anyone’s P***y cause he aint gonna have no fingers or any reason to
grap them, if you catch my meaning.”
In a never-ending attempt to fleece his supporters and raise money to pay New York State for his Fraud judgments, Donald Trump announced that it was creating its very own Cryptocurrency called “Fuls”. Naturally each of these “virtual tokens” bears the likeness of Donald himself. Trump put the initial value of each of these “Fuls” to be 1.5 million dollars, but savvy investors say it is actually worthless. Trump says that it could be used in the future to buy specific things – like pardons, judicial appointments, political appointments, court-ordered payments for fraud and defamation, and even whole elections. They are hoping that wealthy Russian oligarchs who are starting to get very nervous about their financial investments would switch to something that they feel would offer them more stability. while i was initially rumored that Sam Bankman-Fried would head the Organization’s new enterprise due to his expertise in such matters, it turns out that it will stay in the Trump family with Eric Trump heading up the organization.
As the saying goes - "A FUL and his money are soon parted".
An Warning to All Americans by the gOPs
Dear Americans,
I come to you tonight to talk about the greatest crisis facing
Americans right now. No, I am not referring to the Southern Border. I am
referring to the uncontrolled flood of
junk mail that is invading America’s mailboxes daily.
Sure some of them are legitimate letters, but most are far more nefarious. Ads for sex boosters and abortion pills! Unproven pain remedies and vitamins. Contests promising exotic vacations or cruises, only to deliver you into the hands of thieves on huge ships or so-called resorts who will rob you blindly! Some of this so-called mail extorts innocent people directly by demanding monthly payments
Much of this junk mail is carried by people hired by big government-run cartels called "carriers" who are paid mere pennies for each piece of “mail” that they deliver by the hundreds every day right into your mailbox!
And who is to blame for
this? Well, I place the blame squarely on a certain individual who sits in the White
House on Pennsylvania Avenue and has done nothing to stop it.
But my party and our great leader Donald Trump have a solution. We plan to immediately put this into the hands of private companies who will screen each and every piece of mail before it gets into your mailbox to make sure it is not some WOKE solicitations by the ACLU or Democrat Terrorist organization, or even worse an absentee ballot. They will ensure that only good pure Christian and patriotic messages get through to you.
Mr. Trump’s message for Mr. Biden is this “Return to Sender, at
Address unknown!”
Satirical
News Service
Las Vegas, NV
After
Taylor Swift became a regular feature of cameo shots of her cheering on her “boyfriend”
Travis Kelce there was a tremendous rise in viewers of Chief’s game Chiefs Merchandise. The NFL is starting to take this very
seriously and has proposed adding music celebrities to the annual NFL draft. They
would sit in the owners’ booth at all football games and cheer on their
favorite team hero. The Draft rules are still being hammered out, but celebrities
may be chosen for the NFL Draft based on how they do in the charts. First-round
draft choices could win annual contracts equal to those of first-round football
players.
