Forget The Alamo!

 

Generalissimo T. Cruz at the Insurrection of the Alamo

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A new document has surfaced apparently written by a Generalissimo T. Cruz following the fall of the Alamo. Here is the transcript

Senores,

The tragic incident at the Alamo has been thoroughly investigated thoroughly by our great Presidente and Generalissimo Antonio López de Santa Anna and finds that it was the work of AntiTejanistos that instigated the riot that led to the tragic deaths of those in the Alamo. We must remember that there were good people on both sides. Evidence is clear that the AntiTejanistos planned this well in advance, and the Mexican Army was only there to protect those innocent Texans that were barricaded in the Alamo and not the other way around. Those AntiTejanistos are just trying to conduct a witch hunt against our Presidente. We must now move on from these events and forget about the Alamo. Viva Mexico!

P.T. Beauregard’s Defense for Firing on Fort Sumter

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A rare document has surfaced recently containing the transcript of a military tribunal held after the Southern Arm's surrender at Appomattox to determine if Confederate General P.T. Beauregard was liable in issuing the order to fire upon Fort Sumter. This act is credited for starting the American Civil War in 1861.

Beauregard’s defense was that he did not give an actual order to “Fire!” since he was not a serving member of the United States Army, but only acting as a member of a paramilitary group that was standing up for their Second Amendment rights. When he told his supporters who were gathered at the battery in Charleston Harbor that April morning in 1861, to “give em shot and shell”, he meant that only figuratively, meaning “stand up for your Second Amendment Rights to bear arms” and not literally. Although he used the phrase  “Fire boys”, numerous times, he was only uttering a cheer of encouragement to his fellow militiamen. The fact that they were standing in front of loaded cannons pointed at Fort Sumter and took his statement literally is no fault of his. Besides, the real perpetrators were Union sympathizers who actually wanted a Civil war to bring down those States that supported States Rights.

The findings of the tribunal were never revealed as then President Johnson threw out all charges and convictions against Southern Generals who fought against the Union.

Huge mob descends on Gobbler's Knob chanting “Stop the Steal”

 

Satirical News Service
Gobbler’s Knob, PA

What has for more than 100 years have been the peaceful celebration of Ground Hog Day at Gobbler’s Knob in Western Pennsylvania today erupted into a violent protest by mobs of people who refuse to believe that Punxsutawney Phil actually saw his shadow today. “It was clearly an illegal attempt to steal our winter”, said one of the protesters, “We are hell-bent on doing everything we can to stop this travesty. We’ll even shoot every one of those damned groundhogs who venture out of their dens and attempt to take away our constitutional protected winter days. I say Stop the Steal!””

After state and local police and intervened, the riot was finally quelled leaving a very shaken Punxsutawney Phil quivering in his den-like-cage, too afraid to come out for anything!

Trump to issue “stock” in his MAGA super PAC (satire)

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a new twist to Trump’s populist saga, he says he is intending to issue “shares” in his MAGA super PAC that people can buy and sell just like ordinary shares of stock and will increase in value once he is reelected. Although he does not specify exactly how it will benefit them, it certainly implies favors. But since it skirts just inside of the line of outright promising anything it still falls within the legality.

 Noting the recent meteoric rise of stocks like GameStop and AMC, he hopes that very small day traders will drive up the shares to create a bubble of wealth to give the impression that Trump once again is back to his fantastic “Art of the Deal” that made him a “Billionaire”. Meanwhile, his super PAC will continue to rake in funds with very little hope of any return on their investment. But this is Trump’s true “genius”.

Hottest New Board Game – “Weave Your Own Conspiracy Theory”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 The makers of HASBEEN have just announced their latest new board game “Weave Your Own Conspiracy Theory”. In it, each player draws five cards with subjects such as Election, Fraudulent, Immigrants, Antifa, Democrats, stole, etc. There are also wild cards “I believe it” and “Fake News”. When it’s a player's turn must use at least two of them to create a conspiracy theory.  The other players must then throw down a wild card saying either “Fake News” (meaning they don’t buy it), or “I believe it”. For each “I believe it”, they get to advance one space on the board. The first one to get to “The Presidency” wins the game.  It’s fun for the whole family and gives children a strong foundation for a future career in politics or FOX news.

Forthcoming Book by Trump "If I Did It"

 

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

SNS has obtained a pre-release copy of what Trump claims is a "fictional account" of how he committed all of the things that "the Liberal Democrats accuse me of". Oddly enough, it seems that the confessions he makes in his book are all well actual documented things he has done and can still be prosecuted for. Among these are his deals with Russia, his call to the Ukrainian Prime Minister, his tax returns, his rape accusations, and his inciting his supporters to riot, and many more. So far a publisher has not been announced, but Biden DOJ is studying the manuscript very carefully.

Disney Attraction Closed When Animatronic Trump Goes Berserk

 

Satirical News Service
Orlando, FL

In yet another bizarre chapter of the Trump presidency, Disney officials today announced that they had to close the Hall of Presidents attraction in the EPCOT theme park because the animatronic Trump went completely out of control. It started accusing all the other Presidents of stealing the election from him and shouting that he really won in a landslide. He urged all the visitors to storm the  Magic Castle and force the Disney Park to declare him the winner in the 2020 election. The “Small Small World” attraction also went haywire when the animatronic dolls started shouting obscenities and demanding that the presidential election results be changed. Shocked parents and children were immediately escorted away and the attraction was closed indefinitely. It is strongly suspected that the recent Russian cyberattack may be at the heart of all this.