Livestream of Execution Expected to get Higher Ratings than Super Bowl Halftime Show

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After Pete Hegseth announced that the execution of the Fort Hood shooter will be livestreamed, Networks have been scrambling to gets rights to air this. Truth Social and Fox News have all announced plan to air it live. CBS is strongly considering it as well. To further boost its ratings, Truth Social will air a special Christmas show right after to highlight the “Season of Peace and Love”. Hegseth is also planning to commission special uniforms be made for the individuals chosen for the firing squad at a cost of several million tax payer dollars. Those individuals chosen for that task must show very high levels of testosterone. No fatties, No beardies, no weirdos, and no faggots need apply.

With TV rating expected to be higher than Bad Bunnies Halftime show at the Super Bowl, other nations have taken notice and also plan to live stream their own executions. Saudia Arabia plans to live stream beheadings, Iran will live stream public hangings from huge cranes, and Afghanistan will live stream public stoning of gay people. One un-named country is considering going to the electric chair for their live streams to boost tourism.

Kim Jong Un Announces (MSIT) More Superior Intelligence Than Trump’s

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC News

North Korea’s News Agency announced that they had developed MSIT, or "More Superior Intelligence Than Trump’s”.  Furthermore, they are already deploying it in every household throughout North Korea. It uses an “Ask Alexa” like interface called “Dear Leader is Listening” to ensure that every North Korean feels intimately connected to their Dear Leader. 

It is set up so that every hour it will ask the listener “What do you want to tell Dear Leader. He wants to know what you are thinking”. Failure to answer or answering in a flippant or negative manner will automatically generate a call to the secret police to “check up on you”.

Sources in the Trump Administration are saying the Trump is very interested in this “SI” model and wants Tech companies to start a crash program to develop a similar system called “Trump has Even More Superior Intelligence that Kim’s”

Hegseth Wants 10 million Dollars to Build Bomb proof “Airplane Food Catering Container”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Pete Hegseth is asking Congress to approve his specially designed “Airplane Food Catering Container” that can withstand bomb blasts and any other type of attack. It would also feature secret entrances that can be accessed before, during, and after flights that the President can escape into. It would only be able to hold one occupant, and in the event of an attack, it could be jettisoned from the aircraft and land safely by parachute with the President inside

Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring Pregnancy Test for Non-Us Citizens Before Entering the US

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an end run around the Supreme Court ruling on Birthright Citizenship, Trump today signed an Executive Order requiring a valid pregnancy test result taken within 24 hours for all non-US citizens before entering the US. This would be similar to the COVID test requirements that were put into place during the Biden Administration and were roundly condemned by Republicans. If the test is positive, women could not enter the US until after she has given birth in her home country or can prove that she is no longer pregnant. According to Trump,

“This way we can prevent birth vacations by women who travel to the US solely to give birth and thus automatically make the child a US citizen. This will be in effect until the Supreme Court re-considers my Birthright Bill.” 

Trump to Launch Chain of Trump Branded Gas Stations

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to shore up his “base”, Trump has announced plans to open his own “branded” gas stations exclusively in Red states across the country.

“We will be selling gas from all the oil we took from Venezuela, and soon from Iran, at a low, low price. In fact, they are the lowest of any President since Regan. I’m doing this because only I can keep gas prices down by making deals and standing strong against Iran and Venezuela. Gas prices there will be below $2.00 a gallon for Regular, and slightly more for Premium.

There is a catch, though. In order to get that low price, you have to be a member of the Trump Gas Club”. The cost of joining this club is $500 per year for a single membership, $1500 per year for a family.

Sleeping Trump Roundly Boo’d at Nicks Playoff game

 

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

A very unpopular President Trump, who insisted on attending last night's Knicks Playoff game, was roundly booed by a huge crowd for nearly 5 full minutes. Many fans also made rude hand gestures, and one fan, who was unfortunate enough to be seated behind the President, indicated his reaction to a certain odor emanating from the President. President Trump, however, never reacted to all this since he immediately fell asleep and remained in that state throughout the entire game.

The following day, when News Services and Social Media showed scenes of Trump being booed by both the players and fans, he immediately signed an Executive Order banning all professional basketball from being played in New York City.

Iraq Sign’s Peace Treaty with Trump – War Over

 

Abdul Latif Rashid, President of Iraq and Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Figuring that no one would notice the difference between Iran and Iraq, Trump made a peace deal with Iraq. In his post on Truth Social, he posted.

“We have made an historic and lasting peace deal. Iraq has agreed to keep the Strait of Hormuz open, end all hostilities, and give up its nukes and enriched Uranium, and also build a Trump Hotel in its capital. Nobel Peace Committee, are you listening? Thank you for your consideration. DJT”

Unfortunately, Iraq does not even sit on the Hormuz Strait, nor does it have any nukes or enriched uranium. Iraq and Iraq are longtime foes as well. But this way, Trump can brag and say we got all we asked for (even if it is with the wrong country). Now we can pack up and go home.

Cruise the Hormuz in Safety and Cheaply with the Hormuz Pass

 

Pay Iran $2 million to pass through the Hormuz safely? No Way! Now you can cruise the Hormuz safely and with complete confidence with the Hormuz Pass Pro. This little device works like the Toll passes in your car, but with the added advantage that it cuts Iran out of the picture.

Attach this to the windshield of your ship and it automatically deactivates all the sea mines that Iran has laid around the Hormuz. It will also jam any drones hovering overhead, giving you a clean passage way to wherever you are going.

The cost: A mere $1 million. Less than half of a single passage through the Hormuz with Iran’s militia escort.

Pay by bitcoin to the following:  TransitMyAssThruthePass.com

Evangelicals to Replace TSA screeners at Airports

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With frustrated crowds waiting as much as 4 hours in security lines at some major airports, and ICE agents basically just standing around. Trump has decided to employ his loyal base of Evangelicals to screen passengers and luggage at airports. They will not use scanners but instead place their hands on bags and pray that they contain no harmful liquids, guns, or explosives. The passengers themselves will not have to go through scanners. Instead, specially trained Evangelicals will “look into the souls” of the passengers passing through to ferret out the “evil doers”. Some passengers, particularly of certain minority groups, might be asked to undergo special conversions, voluntary or involuntary, before they are allowed to pass through checkpoints.

Trump Signs Executive Order and Making Kharg Island the 51st State and Renaming it “Trump Island”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a televised address posted on Truth Social Network, Trump signed an Executive Presidential Order making Kharg Island in the Strait of Hormuz the 51^st State of the United States. He has also renamed it Trump Island and appointed Don Jr. to be its first Governor. Immediately after being sworn in as governor, Don Jr. deployed 5000 US Marines whom he made "National Guardsmen," to defend the Island. That way, he could circumvent Congress and also claim that he is not deploying ground troops on foreign soil. In his address, he also declared that the Strait of Hormuz is to be renamed “The Straight of Trump”(sic).

Pete Hegseth Distributing Luxury Food items at local Food Bank

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to deflect the storm of criticism over Pete Hegseth's spending $2 million on King Crab Legs, $6.9 million on Lobster Tails, and $15 million on ribeye steaks, all of which came out of the Defense Department Budget, he is seen here at his local Food Bank distributing these items to the poorer members of his community. While they were grateful, most would have preferred the SNAP benefits that were cut earlier this year. They also could have used the funds to help pay their heating bills, which rose dramatically because of freezing weather and blizzards.

Denmark Offers Trump “His own Personal piece of Greenland” Which They Renamed TRUMPLAND

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With Tensions rising over Trump's insistence that he must have Greenland, a sovereign territory of Denmark, the Danish Government, along with Greenland, has offered Trump his own personal part of Greenland to satisfy him. It consists of a free-floating 10x10-foot iceberg that will belong exclusively to him, and the US if they want it. According to the Danish Prime Minister, “It is the perfect place for Trump to spend the rest of his life.”

Ken Burn’s New Documentary “Our Flag”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

PBS, soon to be renamed KBS (Ken Burns Station) has announced plans to create a six-part documentary called “Our Flag”. It will focus on choosing the flag, sewing the flag, and pledging allegiance to the flag. In the first episode, it will feature hours of close-up footage of women in period costumes cutting and sewing to strings of traditional fiddle music. There will also be endless readings of arguments as to where to place the stars and stripes, and what color to make them. At least three of the episodes will be about flying the flag with scenic footage shot in all climates, in all places, at all times of the day, followed by at least 10 minutes of footage of honor guards at funerals slowly folding the flag. It will also feature heroic paintings and photos of people raising the flag to patriotic bugle and drum music. The last episodes will focus on pledging (or not pledging) allegiance to the flag, and how this little publicity stunt by a magazine led to the “Pledge of Allegiance” coming to be recited in schools and meetings. There will also be scenes showing throngs of numerous school-age kids reciting it, as well as American Nazi’s rally at Madison Square Garden in the 1930s. The series will be completed with footage of all manner which people who wear the flag in and on their clothes, jewelry, and vehicles, and have created their own new versions of it. 

LET'S GIVE OPPOSITE ATTRACTIONS A TRY

 

In an effort to bring some semblance of de-polarization and cooperation to the US right now, I propose merging the two parties onto a single "Opposite Attractions" ticket.

Hamas Leaders Offer To Broker A Ceasefire With The House And Senate Leaders to End Shutdown

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The two remaining leaders of Hamas, Khaled Mashal and Khalil al-Hayya, have offered to broker a ceasefire and Peace deal between the warring US Republican and Democratic House and Senate leaders who have shut down the US government for more than 2 weeks. In a speech given to the press, they voiced their concern that this has gone on too long and that they will never be able to put the rest of the Gaza Peace Plan together without a functioning government. Both sides seem to be intractably dug in on their positions. While a deal appeared to be in the making last week, a new demand for the swearing in of Arizona Representative and the full release of the unedited Epstein documents and videos was completely rejected by Mike Johnson.

Hamas proposes to hold the peace talks in one of the last intact bunkers in the deep underground complex inside  Gaza and far away from the war-torn streets of Washington D.C., Chicago, and Portland, Oregon.

Khaled Mashal and Khalil al-Hayya are getting high notice from the Nobel Peace Prize Committee to perhaps become next year’s winners.

In their statement, they expressed thanks to  Donald Trump, who taught them the "Art of Deal Making".

Venezuelan President Is Sending Gang Members To Protect Their DC Communities From National Guard And Ice

 

Satirical News Service Washington, DC

In response to Washington, DC now being overwhelmed with ICE, DEA, FBI, and National Guard from several states, Nicolás Maduro is offering to send handpicked gang members there to protect the Hispanic people who are being rounded up and “disappeared” by these lawless thugs sent by Steven Miller and  Pam Bondi.

In an interview, Presidente Maduro said it is heartbreaking to see old Abuelas and Abuelos being manhandled by these lawless thugs. Children are being ripped out of cars while their parents are hauled away to these swamp prisons or some strange foreign country. They claim they are only going after criminals and gang members. So if that is the case, we are going to send them our very best criminal and gang members to Washington, DC. Let’s see them go after them! I think they will find their jobs are a little harder than wrestling old men and women into waiting vans and rental trucks.

Trump Brokers Historic Piece Deal – “Oslo Here I c*m"

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a historic deal, Trump has managed to broker a peace deal between the two warring nations of Bumfukland and Pedofelia, who have been warring for decades over rights to the white slave trade. Trump, with his genius for Deal Making, threatened to put a 500% tariff on boys and young women exported from both countries, or if they both agreed to his peace terms, would make them a “Most Favored Nation” in the white slave trade with the US, and remove any “legal barriers” that might exist. Both nations would also have to agree to supply spa workers to Mar-a-Lago at a very reduced rate. He is expecting to hear from the Nobel Prize committee very soon.

Florida's Newest Amusement Park - Alligator Alcatraz

 

Hi -

I'm Governor Ron DeSantis speaking to welcome you to Florida's newest Amusement Park Attraction - Alligator Alcatraz. Forget about those other WOKE places like Disneyland or SeaWorld. Or Anti-Christian places like Harry Potter World, instead, come to the only place that MAGAs and their great leader could think up -- ALLIGATOR ALCATRAZ. Here in this festering swamp, in the middle of nowhere, we've placed all those "hardcore" illegal (and some legal) immigrants and their families, just so we can enjoy watching them suffer in scorching heat, poor sanitation, and of course those loveable alligators who are hungrier than ever. You'll thrill when it's alligator feeding time. I won't spoil the surprise as to "what" they are being fed. You'll feel all the amusement and greatness that America has become when you visit Alligator Alcatraz.

Kristy Noem Explains Habeas Corpus

 

Satirical News Service
 Washington, DC News

Today, Kristy Noem sat down with us at Satirical News Service to explain more thoroughly what she meant by Habeas Corpus.

Interviewer: Madam Secretary, as Director of the Homeland Security Administration, in a law enforcement and national security position, you must understand and carry out the laws and constitutional rights of individuals, the Right to Habeas Corpus being one of them. In your testimony before Congress yesterday, you defined habeas corpus as “a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country.” Could you explain how you came to this interpretation?

Noem: Yes. Let me explain what I meant – which I would have before that WOKE liberal retard of a Senator jumped all over me in that hearing

“Habeas Corpus” is Latin for “Having a Corpse”. Very few people know this. It literally means that the law gives people the right to “have”, or in this case, “eat corpses”. Our President was absolutely correct when he said that Hannibal Lecter and his followers were streaming across our borders to demand the right of “Habeas Corpus”. Hattians, too, are demanding this right, only in their case it applies to people’s dogs and cats and not the people themselves. This law came into being under President Obama and was expanded by his liberal courts and President Biden to include illegal immigrants. Soon, the Supreme Court will take up this case, and hopefully, we’ll see the end of it.

I hope that answers your question.

Trump Now Considering Tariffs on Time

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Today, Trump posted on Truth Social that he is considering putting tariffs on time. Exactly how that would work is unclear, but in his post, he said, “Why is time in Europe always hours ahead of us, and China it’s a full day ahead. We should be the ones setting the time, and Europe and China should follow us. So I am putting a 120% tariff on every hour ahead of US time. Clocks will no longer be set at Greenwich, but here in Washington. If Europe and China want more time, they’ll have to pay a stiff tariff for it."