Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
Frustrated that “Liberal-Know-Nothing-Witch-Hunting-Astrophysicists” have predicted that the totality of the 2024 Eclipse will miss Florida, Donald Trump drew his own map of totality for FOX News with his ever-powerful "Sharpie Pen”.
For those wishing to watch it live, you can follow it live as it happens while he draws it in real time on FOX News on April 8th.
Satirical
News Service
Washington, DC
To show voters that he is better at solving International Disputes, Donald Trump rolled out his own plan
for what to do about Gaza and Palestine. According to Trump,
“There
are millions of people right now in Gaze with no place to go because Egypt won’t
let them settle there, and Israel feels they are to much of threat to stay
there. I propose we send them to Greenland! I’ll even buy it myself with my own Billions
of Dollars that I’m making from the sale the My Trump Network. There will be no
bombings there by Israel or anyone else.
They’ll be totally isolated so they can practice any damn radical Islamic religion they
want without being a threat to their neighbors. Rebuilding would be easy too since
there is plenty of snow and ice there to make igloos. They even say that parts
of Greenland are desert, so they’d be right at home there. “
Although
the last time he tried to “buy Greenland” the Danish weren’t too happy about
it, this time he said “I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
Satirical News Service
New York, NY
After launching his Trump Branded Bible for a mere $60
each, Donald Trump has come up with another great money-making scheme to “fleece his
flock”. He is going to launch Trump Branded Mega Churches throughout the country, starting in Deep-Red States like
Florida and Texas.
According to the text that Trump posted on his Truth Social
Network,
“America needs a new kind of church that does away with the WOKE ideology that is rampant
in all the other churches. You won’t find any of that in my church. My church
will stand for Guns, GOD, and Secure Borders. No more liberal sermons about 'Love thy Neighbor' and 'Turn the Other Cheek'. In my church, you'll hear sermons about reporting your
neighbors so they can be rounded up and deported, and if someone hits you on the cheek, you knock him flat. Any
religion can worship in my churches as long as they first worship me. You won't
find any voluntary collection plates either – it’s pay up front at the door for an amount
yet to be determined. The best part about this venture is that churches can’t
be taxed or prosecuted, since we stand for our First Amendment Right of “Freedom of Religion”. We’ll also offer a full line of crucifixes designed by my daughter featuring me,since nobody has been persecuted more than me, and lots and lots of
Religious books with children’s stories written by “you –know-who”. We’re gonna make millions!
Construction of the first one is expected as soon as he can
line up financing – which might take a while considering….
Satirical
News Service
New York, New York
In
a last-minute “reprieve”, Donald Trump was able to secure a bond for the nearly 500 million dollar judgment imposed by the New York Court for his fraud conviction. The source of funding came from a rather unusual source – a man known only by the name “Shylock”
who is known to be one of the chief Russian Mafia Dons. Shylock – a name that
bears no connection to Shakespeare’s Shylock agreed to put up the bond in
exchange for “5 pounds of Donald Trump’s flesh taken from whatever parts we
want”. He has until the appellate court
rules to repay the bond.
“Let’s
just say if he don’t come up with the payback, this ain’t gonna be no
liposuction job. My boys are going to get it the old-fashioned way. After that
he goona be talking with a much higher voice – and he won’t have to worry about
grabbing anyone’s P***y cause he aint gonna have no fingers or any reason to
grap them, if you catch my meaning.”
In a never-ending attempt to fleece his supporters and raise money to pay New York State for his Fraud judgments, Donald Trump announced that it was creating its very own Cryptocurrency called “Fuls”. Naturally each of these “virtual tokens” bears the likeness of Donald himself. Trump put the initial value of each of these “Fuls” to be 1.5 million dollars, but savvy investors say it is actually worthless. Trump says that it could be used in the future to buy specific things – like pardons, judicial appointments, political appointments, court-ordered payments for fraud and defamation, and even whole elections. They are hoping that wealthy Russian oligarchs who are starting to get very nervous about their financial investments would switch to something that they feel would offer them more stability. It is rumored that Sam Bankman-Fried would head the Organization’s new enterprise due to his expertise in such matters.
As the saying goes - "A FUL and his money are soon parted".
An Warning to All Americans by the gOPs
Dear Americans,
I come to you tonight to talk about the greatest crisis facing
Americans right now. No, I am not referring to the Southern Border. I am
referring to the uncontrolled flood of
junk mail that is invading America’s mailboxes daily.
Sure some of them are legitimate letters, but most are far more nefarious. Ads for sex boosters and abortion pills! Unproven pain remedies and vitamins. Contests promising exotic vacations or cruises, only to deliver you into the hands of thieves on huge ships or so-called resorts who will rob you blindly! Some of this so-called mail extorts innocent people directly by demanding monthly payments
Much of this junk mail is carried by people hired by big government-run cartels called "carriers" who are paid mere pennies for each piece of “mail” that they deliver by the hundreds every day right into your mailbox!
And who is to blame for
this? Well, I place the blame squarely on a certain individual who sits in the White
House on Pennsylvania Avenue and has done nothing to stop it.
But my party and our great leader Donald Trump have a solution. We plan to immediately put this into the hands of private companies who will screen each and every piece of mail before it gets into your mailbox to make sure it is not some WOKE solicitations by the ACLU or Democrat Terrorist organization, or even worse an absentee ballot. They will ensure that only good pure Christian and patriotic messages get through to you.
Mr. Trump’s message for Mr. Biden is this “Return to Sender, at
Address unknown!”
Satirical
News Service
Las Vegas, NV
After
Taylor Swift became a regular feature of cameo shots of her cheering on her “boyfriend”
Travis Kelce there was a tremendous rise in viewers of Chief’s game Chiefs Merchandise. The NFL is starting to take this very
seriously and has proposed adding music celebrities to the annual NFL draft. They
would sit in the owners’ booth at all football games and cheer on their
favorite team hero. The Draft rules are still being hammered out, but celebrities
may be chosen for the NFL Draft based on how they do in the charts. First-round
draft choices could win annual contracts equal to those of first-round football
players.
