Hamas Leaders Offer To Broker A Ceasefire With The House And Senate Leaders to End Shutdown

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The two remaining leaders of Hamas, Khaled Mashal and Khalil al-Hayya, have offered to broker a ceasefire and Peace deal between the warring US Republican and Democratic House and Senate leaders who have shut down the US government for more than 2 weeks. In a speech given to the press, they voiced their concern that this has gone on too long and that they will never be able to put the rest of the Gaza Peace Plan together without a functioning government. Both sides seem to be intractably dug in on their positions. While a deal appeared to be in the making last week, a new demand for the swearing in of Arizona Representative and the full release of the unedited Epstein documents and videos was completely rejected by Mike Johnson.

Hamas proposes to hold the peace talks in one of the last intact bunkers in the deep underground complex inside  Gaza and far away from the war-torn streets of Washington D.C., Chicago, and Portland, Oregon.

Khaled Mashal and Khalil al-Hayya are getting high notice from the Nobel Peace Prize Committee to perhaps become next year’s winners.

In their statement, they expressed thanks to  Donald Trump, who taught them the "Art of Deal Making".

Venezuelan President Is Sending Gang Members To Protect Their DC Communities From National Guard And Ice

 

Satirical News Service Washington, DC

In response to Washington, DC now being overwhelmed with ICE, DEA, FBI, and National Guard from several states, Nicolás Maduro is offering to send handpicked gang members there to protect the Hispanic people who are being rounded up and “disappeared” by these lawless thugs sent by Steven Miller and  Pam Bondi.

In an interview, Presidente Maduro said it is heartbreaking to see old Abuelas and Abuelos being manhandled by these lawless thugs. Children are being ripped out of cars while their parents are hauled away to these swamp prisons or some strange foreign country. They claim they are only going after criminals and gang members. So if that is the case, we are going to send them our very best criminal and gang members to Washington, DC. Let’s see them go after them! I think they will find their jobs are a little harder than wrestling old men and women into waiting vans and rental trucks.

Trump Brokers Historic Piece Deal – “Oslo Here I c*m"

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a historic deal, Trump has managed to broker a peace deal between the two warring nations of Bumfukland and Pedofelia, who have been warring for decades over rights to the white slave trade. Trump, with his genius for Deal Making, threatened to put a 500% tariff on boys and young women exported from both countries, or if they both agreed to his peace terms, would make them a “Most Favored Nation” in the white slave trade with the US, and remove any “legal barriers” that might exist. Both nations would also have to agree to supply spa workers to Mar-a-Lago at a very reduced rate. He is expecting to hear from the Nobel Prize committee very soon.

Florida's Newest Amusement Park - Alligator Alcatraz

 

Hi -

I'm Governor Ron DeSantis speaking to welcome you to Florida's newest Amusement Park Attraction - Alligator Alcatraz. Forget about those other WOKE places like Disneyland or SeaWorld. Or Anti-Christian places like Harry Potter World, instead, come to the only place that MAGAs and their great leader could think up -- ALLIGATOR ALCATRAZ. Here in this festering swamp, in the middle of nowhere, we've placed all those "hardcore" illegal (and some legal) immigrants and their families, just so we can enjoy watching them suffer in scorching heat, poor sanitation, and of course those loveable alligators who are hungrier than ever. You'll thrill when it's alligator feeding time. I won't spoil the surprise as to "what" they are being fed. You'll feel all the amusement and greatness that America has become when you visit Alligator Alcatraz.

Kristy Noem Explains Habeas Corpus

 

Satirical News Service
 Washington, DC News

Today, Kristy Noem sat down with us at Satirical News Service to explain more thoroughly what she meant by Habeas Corpus.

Interviewer: Madam Secretary, as Director of the Homeland Security Administration, in a law enforcement and national security position, you must understand and carry out the laws and constitutional rights of individuals, the Right to Habeas Corpus being one of them. In your testimony before Congress yesterday, you defined habeas corpus as “a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country.” Could you explain how you came to this interpretation?

Noem: Yes. Let me explain what I meant – which I would have before that WOKE liberal retard of a Senator jumped all over me in that hearing

“Habeas Corpus” is Latin for “Having a Corpse”. Very few people know this. It literally means that the law gives people the right to “have”, or in this case, “eat corpses”. Our President was absolutely correct when he said that Hannibal Lecter and his followers were streaming across our borders to demand the right of “Habeas Corpus”. Hattians, too, are demanding this right, only in their case it applies to people’s dogs and cats and not the people themselves. This law came into being under President Obama and was expanded by his liberal courts and President Biden to include illegal immigrants. Soon, the Supreme Court will take up this case, and hopefully, we’ll see the end of it.

I hope that answers your question.

Trump Now Considering Tariffs on Time

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Today, Trump posted on Truth Social that he is considering putting tariffs on time. Exactly how that would work is unclear, but in his post, he said, “Why is time in Europe always hours ahead of us, and China it’s a full day ahead. We should be the ones setting the time, and Europe and China should follow us. So I am putting a 120% tariff on every hour ahead of US time. Clocks will no longer be set at Greenwich, but here in Washington. If Europe and China want more time, they’ll have to pay a stiff tariff for it."

Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring Himself Pope

 

 Dear America,

          After a brief time as your President, I have made America great again with my Tariffs and Mass deportations of criminals. I have accomplished more than any other President in History. But now I must move on to bigger things.  Today, I signed an executive order making myself Pope. Since I am already infallible, it seems the perfect role for me, and there won’t be any courts or Congress to challenge me. To all those Cardinals in the Vatican, I am saving you from all that contentious bickering. Besides, you owe me big-time for all I’ve done for you. As your new Pope on day one, I will be issuing a lot of Papal Bulls –making Abortion illegal, immigration from certain countries, and abortion illegal everywhere. I will also bring back the Inquisition to get back at my enemies. In my place as President of the USA, I am appointing Elon Musk, who will continue to make America Great Again, while I rule over the Christian World. 

Pax Trumpiana.