APPLE APOLOGIES FOR iPhone 5 CALENDAR APP

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Just one day after Apple apologized for its rather erroneous iMap application, Apple executives  again came forward to apologize to users for the calendar app on the iPhone 5. We think might have released it before we fully debugged it, but we hope to have a better replacement in the iPhone6, due out in six months. Users were quite surprised to find that some months had up to 37 days, and most of them were in the wrong order.

Replacement Referee’s to Serve as Election Judges in Battleground States

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

Now that the NFL referee lock-out has ended, the replacement referees that been hired by state officials as election judges to oversee the critical elections in key battleground states. According to the board of election's committee "After witnessing their performance on the football field, we feel this would be an excellent role for them to play in the forthcoming presidential election."

CBS’s The Amazing Race with Apple Maps

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

In an effort to recover from the public relations disaster of Apples newly released Apple Maps App, CBS has decided to make “Lemonade from Lemons”. In the next season of The Amazing Race, CBS will arm its contestants with iPhones equipped with the Apple maps app. The real kicker is that no one, even the producers are going to have any idea just where they will all end up.

ROMNEY SHOWS OFF FOREIGN POLICY SKILLS- VOWS TO CUT TAXES AND OBAMACARE IN 10 COUNTRIES.

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In an effort to catch up in the polls before the upcoming debates, Mitt Romney today demonstrated his skills at handling foreign policy. In a press conference today held near the UN opening ceremony, Mitt Romney announced that as President he would cut taxes in more than 10 countries. According to Romney “It’s the same old story, Government is not the solution to the problem; Government is the problem!” He plans to put an end to the NHS (National Health Service) in Britain and Canada, and cut taxes in for the wealthiest citizens in Afghanistan and Pakistan and 8 other countries to create more jobs.

                When asked by what authority he proposed to do this, he stated that the USA is second to none in the world, and what’s good for the USA is good for the rest of the world. He said that Obama’s policies have failed to create more jobs in those countries, and they were worse off now than they were four years ago. Under his administration, they would not have to suffer under the burden of high taxes and heavy government regulation from their own governments, and especially from Obamacare.

Authorities Uncover Massive Tunnel Under the Hudson River Used to Smuggle Super Size Bottles of Coca Cola.

Satirical News Service
New York,NY

Police in New York today discovered two massive tunnels dug beneath the Hudson River used by the Coca Cola syndicate to smuggle Super-sized bottles of Coca Cola that are now illegal in New York. Authorities also seized a large quantity of BIG GULP cups also illegal which now fetch a premium on the black market. The massive size of the tunnels have authorities baffled as to how such an undertaking could happen right under their noses. “Huge Semi’s loaded with the illegal sized beverages rolled through it every day before we caught onto it! “

A News Story you will Never See

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Thousands of angry Radical Tea Party Activists rioted today after a YouTube video surfaced that portrayed Barack Obama as a womanizer and a pedophile. One of the demonstrators shouted “They cannot defile our leader like this – Death to them! Meanwhile FOX news led the charge urging protestors  to continue their protests to protect the good name of our President. Both Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin called for new laws making  it a capital crime to disparage the name of President Obama. Meanwhile the crowds of Tea Partyers gathered around foreign embassies Shouting Barack is Great!, Barack is great!

What Mitt Romney Meant to Say

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Amid the uproar over the secret video tape recording of Mitt Romney saying  “47% of the people who pay no taxes were dependent on government handouts", he stated today in a hastily arranged press conference with FOX news.what he really meant to say,

“What I really meant to say, was that  I believe that the zero point 47% of the people in America, like myself, who pay no taxes, expect the government to provide handouts for us in the form of free tax breaks to completely cover expensive  healthcare plans, expensive  houses, and entertainment expenses for lavish dinners and vacations.  We are victims of big government who expect us to actually pay some taxes. We need to be more self reliant and take care of our own needs by off-shoring our money in tax havens, like me, so that we never have to pay any taxes.”

The RNC was very much relieved that he clarified his position on this matter.

Romney Admits He is Better Off Now than in 2008

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a startling announcement today, Mitt Romney admitted that he is personally better off today than he was in 2008. In an exclusive interview with Satirical News Service, he stated, “Okay so In 2009, 2010 I was a lot better off than most Americans, but that was mainly due to the tax breaks I got when Baine Capital offshore all those companies we closed down. But in 2011, I was less better off because I actually had to pay a whopping 13% taxes because I knew I would be running for President and those liberal would have a field day if they saw I paid no taxes.  So just because I was better off for three of those 4 years, doesn't mean I’m better off today. “ 

US Economy Grows on Strength of Attack Ad Revenues

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a time when all sectors of the American Economy are showing anemic growth, the one sector that has skyrocketed has been the Political Attack Ad sector. This year alone over 1 billion dollars was spent on these ads. In response to this NASDAQ  will be listing a new IPO for a corporation called SuperPAC. SuperPAC (SUPAC symbol) recently formed by Karl Rove hopes to be the one-stop-shop for all political attack ads nationwide and eventually worldwide. 

According to their spokesperson, “We see ourselves as being in the business of mining and manufacturing. We mine the public rancor, and then manufacture the truth to feed this rancor. The best part about it is that it is self-perpetuating; when one side comes out with an ad, the other party has to respond, or more to the point, retaliate, in kind. This could be the new Google or Facebook! At a time when wealthy investors are unwilling to risk their money on Energy, Manufacturing, Transportation, IT, healthcare,... you name it! They are pouring money like crazy into Political Attack Ads. The best part about it is that we have to produce nothing of tangible value! There is No-Return-On-Investment except for the prospect that your party will win and then owe you favors – something we can’t be even remotely linked to let alone held accountable to our investors for. In the coming years we plan to take these attacks ads down to the local level – heck, even the races for County Coroner are starting to go negative! With all the built up hubris and rancor in this nation we project skyrocketing revenues for years to come. We are also planning on expanding into the European market which we feel has great potential for our products.  America could be the new world leader in the manufacture and production of Political Attacks Ads. This could be engine that fuels the economy for the next 50 years!”

Empty Chair seen as the GOP’s new “Joe the Plummer”

Satirical News Service
Tampa, FL

Following its debut at the GOP National Convention in Tampa earlier this week, the “empty chair” has become an overnight sensation. We caught up with it just before it was getting ready to depart on a nationwide tour to campaign for Mitt Romney. Here are some remarks from an interview it agreed to give us.

“I feel that I truly represent the values of the GOP – Rigid, bland, and empty. Like Mitt Romney I also paid zero taxes for at least 10 years, and like Mitt Romney I basically sit around while others do the real work, and then claim credit. Like Mitt, I was born in Michigan of good strong American wooden stock, I was made an orphan early in my life when the company that made me was sold to Bain Capital and then outsourced to China due to over-regulation of the Forest Industry by Big Government Environmentalists. I too believe that life begins at the moment of construction, and hope that someday more inanimate objects like me and Mitt with hollow legs and empty values, and a single purpose can grow up to become President.”