Zoo Keeper knews this Gorilla Could Turn Dangerous

Satirical News Service
Cincinnati, OH

On lookers were horrified when a boy sneaked into an enclosure and approached a 400 lb gorilla. At first it looked like the gorilla was protecting the boy, but when it started to rant and rave, they knew that this gorilla in particular could turn very dangerous at any second and they had no choice but to do what they did.

Gender Neutral Bathrooms in North Carolina

Tradition!

If you saw Fiddler on the Roof, you became aware of just how important traditions are in the Jewish culture. In this respect, Passover has always maintained a link to our Jewish upbringing, even though we have long since stopped practicing most of the other tenents of the Jewish faith.

This year though, things went a little differently.

THE PAPA: ….On this night we dip not once but three times. (Take parsley and pass it around). BAW-RUCH A-TAW….

SON 1:  Excuse me, is this organically grown parsley without any pesticides or non-organic fertilizers?

THE PAPA: Who know’s, just dip it and eat it, how much could one little bite of non-organic parsley harm you.

SON 2:  Is this Salt water? I can’t eat any salt, could I just have some plain Dasani water to dip it in?

THE PAPA: Now we take the bitter herb and say the prayer (takes a piece of horseradish root) BAW-RUCH A-TAW …

SON 1:  I read once that horseradish can cause cancer

SON 2:  No, it prevents cancer

SON 1:  No No! It distinctly causes it due to the uptake of glacinocides that interfere with the free radicals.

SON 2:  No my dumb brother – the exact opposite.

SON 1:  In any case I’m not eating it

SON 2:  Suit yourself, Dad give me the horseradish

THE PAPA: Now we take the horseradish and dip it into the choroset ….

SON 1:  Uh, does that have nuts in it? I no longer can eat nuts since I found out last year that I have a nut allergy.

SON 2:  Does that contain Apples? Apples contain high levels of Arsenic that can cause cancer.

SON 1:  Are they organic Apples?

THE PAPA: …We eat the Matzah in remembrance of the unleavened bread that our forefathers ate when pharaoh chased them in the desert (Takes piece of Matzah) BAW-RUCH A-TAW ….

SON 1:  Excuse me, does that have wheat in it? I can’t eat any wheat.

SON 2:  I can eat some wheat, but does it have gluten? I don’t eat any gluten?

The Momma: We’ll now eat our Traditional Passover dinner, together. Dad cooked it just like he 

always did – Matzah Ball Soup, Roast Lamb, Asparagus, couscous……

SON 1:  Wait mom, did you say Lamb!? I don’t eat any red meat

SON 2:  Is there gluten in the Matzah Balls? The chicken stock – was it made with GMO free hormone free, free range chickens? I can’t eat it if it isn’t.

SON 1:  Does the couscous have any wheat?

THE PAPA: So my fine children. It is time for the Four Questions. This year however, I am going narrow it down to just One! “Why is this night different from all other nights?”

SON 1:  I know – “On this night we dip three times instead of none……”

SON 2:  “We eat only unlevened bread and sit reclined…..”

THE PAPA: No! I’ll tell you why this night is different from all other nights. On all other nights we just eat our Damned meal and don’t nit-pick over every damned thing it has in it. This year we celebrate Passover in our home, but by God next year, we’re going out for Chinese!

Aunt Jemima Mistakenly Placed on US 20 Dollar Bill

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an apparent mix up, the image of popular Pancake Mix icon Aunt Jemima was placed on the new US Twenty Dollar Bill instead of Harriet Tubman.Since the cost of recalling all printed bank notes and re-doing the engraving plates would be prohibitive, Congress voted to just keep it as is. According to one Senator, "We think she looks a lot better than Harriet Tubman, and no one will know the difference between them anyway." 

How to Use a Gender Neutral Bathroom

As many states have now opted to strictly limit bathroom use to individuals of their specific biological sex. Some establishments have elected to provide gender neutral bathrooms. However using one requires some instruction.

Instructions for Using A Gender Neutral Bathroom

1.    Establish which gender you wish to use when using the elimination device found within. You may choose any gender you wish, but once you have started, you may not switch in-mid-stream, so to speak.

2.    Determine which position you which to utilize the elimination device in; as a male utilizing the standing position, a female utilizing the squat position, or male or female utilizing the sitting position. It is not recommended for biological females to utilize the standing position.

3.    If you have elected to use the seated position, be sure that all parts of your “junk” are well centered and at proper angles to ensure a direct flow into the center of the elimination device.

4.    If you have elected to use the standing position utilize the marked lines to gauge the proper distance to stand from the elimination device so as to optimize the accuracy of the flow, and to minimize the possibility of over or under shots.

5.    After you have completed your choice of eliminations, you may elect to use the toilet paper dispenser, usually locate to the left or right of the elimination device. If you have chosen to identify yourself as a member of the female gender, you may continue to remain seated,utilizing the toilet paper in which ever hand you choose to cleanse the anatomical area from which you have just eliminated. If you have eliminated from both frontal and rear regions, it may be necessary to complete this operation from a standing position by reaching behind to complete the task. In most cases small quantities of toilet tissue may be safely flushed along with the bodily waste, but you should consult the specific policies of the establishment as to whether this is permitted. ** Biological females who are undergoing their menstrual cycle should consult the instructions provided by the institution as to the proper elimination of your particular device. Please be aware that since implementing gender neutral bathrooms, vending machines that dispenses these apparatus will no longer be available.

6.    Upon completing your tasks, check around the bowl and floor to make sure there has not been any overflow or misses. If there are these should be cleaned up immediately with toilet tissue.

7.    Finally,upon leaving, be sure to put the seat down in the proper resting position,making sure it is clean and dry. You may then proceed to the gender neutral hand cleansing station to thoroughly wash and sanitize your hands.

Thank you for use this gender neutral facility.