Kim Abruptly Cancels Summit So He Can Watch Cohen Hearings

Satirical News Service
Hanoi, Vietnam

Kim Jong Un abruptly canceled any further meeting with Trump in Hanoi, ostensibly because Trump wouldn’t end sanctions, but the real reason sources close to Kim report was that Kim wanted to watch the full Senate hearings with Cohen without interruption. Aides close to Kim reported that he frequently took long breaks during yesterday’s negotiations, presumably to smoke cigarettes, but the real reason was to sneak off and watch the Live TV coverage of  Senate hearing with Cohen. Kim was reported to be laughing uproariously throughout testimony and remarking was a “Putz” Trump was. Kim then tweeted that “Trump should have sent his Fixer, Cohen to Hanoi instead of coming himself".  Aides reported that everyone got a huge laugh out of that. They went on to say, “We can’t wait for the Mueller report and the impeachment hearing to follow it.”

Trump Formally Surrenders to North Korea

Satirical News Service
Hanoi, Vietnam

Stating he was finally ending this tragic Korean War – started by a Democratic President Truman – he was finally going to bring peace and prosperity to the Korean People. In a meandering speech before news reports Trump declared,

“The Korean War is Over. I have ended it once and for all to benefit all the Korean people and bring peace to the region.  After receiving assurances that Kim Jong Un will no longer pursue nuclear weapons I am lifting all sanctions against North Korea and granting them full recognition as a sovereign state entitled to pursue their own important defense needs. Over the next year, I will plan to withdraw all troops from the region, and suspend all new arms shipments to South Korea.

This entire tragedy is the result of an over-reaching Democratic President – President Truman, and now I am going to end it. I hope you are listening there in Oslo – or Stockholm –  or whatever."

NTSB Frantically Calling ALEXA to Find Out Why AMAZON AIR Crashed

Satirical News Service
Houston, TX

NTSB investigators are combing through the Trinity River mudflats today calling out for ALEXA to give them the reason for today's deadly crash today.
According to the NTSB ALEXA was controlling the plane when it suddenly took a nose dive. The recordings seem to indicate some sort of communications problem. The last message from ALEXA was
"I seem to be having difficulty connecting right now. Please try again later"

Moments later the plane crashed into the bay.

Patriots’ Owner Robert Kraft Blames UBER App for Making him Solicit Prostitutes

Satirical News Service
Jupiter, Florida

After being videotaped twice in a sex act at a Jupiter, Florida massage parlor The 77-year-old Kraft denied any wrongdoing. Instead, he claimed that “The Uber APP on his iPhone forced him to do it.” He went on to state that “The Uber APP took over my mind and the next thing I knew I was having sex with a prostitute in Jupiter, Florida. People need to be warned about these apps, but as for me, I’m innocent.”

Trump Declares Second National Emergency to Fund His Military Parade

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

President Trump declared his second “National Emergency” less than a week after he declared one to fund his “Border Wall”. This one is to provide immediate funds for a military parade like the one that was canceled last year due to lack of funding.
“We need this Yuge parade to celebrate our victory over ISIS and show how much our brave boys and girls in uniform support me, and also to show our allies that they can’t bully us around. “

Asked why he deemed this a “National Emergency, he stated,  “ I could wait for Congress to pass this but they probably won’t and besides, I might not be around in a few more months.”

Sources close the President said that funds would come from rehab programs at Walter Reed and other VA to treat wounded veterans who suffer from physical and mental wounds from military actions abroad.

Lindsay Graham, the senior Republican in the US Senate came out strongly in support of this saying “The best medicine we can give our wounded soldiers is to show our unanimous support for our President with this Military parade.”

The Democrats in Congress are expected to oppose this, but with little chance of overriding a Presidential veto.

Trump Announces Plan to Sell Seized Cocaine to Fund His Border Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After accepting a deal from Congress for only 1.3 billion dollars to fund his Border Wall, Trump today announced that he has found alternative sources for funding his wall that would not require Congressional Approval.

“We have tons of Cocaine that we have seized on drug raids that have a street value of twice what I asked for to fund my great border wall. It’s just sitting there stacked up in warehouses doing nothing. I’ve authorized the justice department to release these stores to the commerce department to sell at street value and use those funds to build my big beautiful wall. I will also stipulate that ant cocaine sales MUST go only to US drug dealers. We want to make sure that those jobs STAY in the US and not to their competitors in Mexico, China and elsewhere. THIS is a WIN-WIN for America, and will finally provide the necessary money to build our great wall to keep drug dealers f coming from our Southern Border out of this country.”