FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Trump Says He’ll Rescind Pardon of Thanksgiving Turkey

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

It has been a tradition going back many administrations for the President to symbolically pardon a live Turkey on Thanksgiving. This year was no exception, with out-going President granting a pardon to one large feathered fowls. Upon hearing this, Donald Trump declared that one of his first acts as President will be to rescind the presidential turkey pardon. “No more Liberal leniency!” Trump declared. “Come January 21st, this bird get the axe, and this tradition ends now!”

Monday, November 21, 2016

Trump Proposes Leeching To Replace Obamacare

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The Republican Congress, who are now caught in a position of having to actually fulfill their promise to totally repeal their hated Obamacare, have proposed a new healthcare plan based on “leeching”. Trump aides have pointed out that the practice of leeching, or using live leeches on the body to “drain the body of bad humours” was widely used by our Founding Fathers as effective medical care. Even George Washington used it. Trump has proposed this plan as an alternative to the very expensive Obamacare and Medicare, and says its fits with the Republicans overall plan to bleed the American people dry, and turn science back 200 years.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Hillary Clinton Offered Cabinet Post in Trump Administration

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to reach out to disaffected Democrats who were devastated by Trump's victory. Donald Trump has reportedly offered Hillary Clinton a newly created cabinet post. The post will be called National Scapegoat. Her duties will be to assume the blame for everything that goes awry in the new Trump Presidency and Republican dominated Congress. In a press conference, Donald Trump said.
"We still need Hillary, because when something doesn't go right, I can continue to say it Hillary's fault. I expect she will be quite busy this term. If she decides not to take it, well my new Attorney General will be happy to continue to prosecute her for anything we want to."
There was no comment from the Clintons.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Don’t Live in Loser America – Move to Donald Trumpland

Okay, so Crooked Hillary managed to steal this election. You know what? America is a total loser! Who wants to live there anyway? So to my loyal followers who don’t want to live under the tyranny of Crooked Hillary. I’m offering my loyal followers a better place. It’ll be the best place on the whole planet! It’ll be huge!

Donald Trumpland

Donald Trumpland is an entire island completely owned and governed by me. Believe me, it’ll be the greatest place to live in the world. It’ll be so secure you won’t have to worry about illegal immigrants from Mexico coming to rape and murder you. You won’t have to worry about ISIS terrorists coming to kill you. You can keep your guns and believe me, my security people will make sure that Trump Lives matter!

So how do you sign up. After a vetting process to make sure you are the right kind of person, you only have to put up $300,000 to the Donald Trumpland Foundation, but my Donald Trumpland Bank, will provide you with very reasonable loan rates. You can also lease land to build your dream home and built by Trump Building Company protected by walls that I will even pay for, at prices starting in the mid 200’s. My taxes will be the lowest in the world. They’ll be so low you’ll say, “Please Donald, can’t I pay more?” It will be huge! Think about it people. Isn’t this better than living in a loser country run by Crooked Hillary or a socialist country like Canada?

Latest Letter to Donald Trump from Kim Jong Un

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Dearest Donald,
I am writing you once again to implore you to come and live with me here in Pyongyang. The American people do not deserve as just and great a leader as yourself. We are so much alike! You say you can grab all the pussy you like because you are famous. Me too! You say you can stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and still the people would love you. I have shot thousands of people – right in the capital, and the people still love me! You want to have Hillary Clinton put in jail. I would execute her and all of her family and friends! They mock you because of your small hands and weird hairdo, but no one mocks me because I am small all over, and have a weird hairdo.  Think of the walls we could build together. Think of the fun we could have together threatening the world with nuclear destruction, or hacking into everyone’s private files. We are two peas in a pod as you Westerners say. You could build a Trump towers right here in Pyongyang right next to mine, and put both of our names on it (mine bigger though). Please, Please say you will.

Most lovingly, your exalted leader Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have.

Kim Jong Un.  

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Oh Captain, My Captain Redeux

Oh Captain, My Captain Revised with profound apologies to Walt Whitman

Oh Leaders, Our Leaders

Oh Leaders, Our Leaders this awful election’s done,
You both have poisoned every well,
Insulted everyone.
The count is in, The Clarions yell, the people have finally spoken!
But hear the opinions of everyone, “the system’s dead and broken
But Oh Heart! Heart! Heart!
Amid the fruitless cries of “foul
The American public’s heard it all,
And just threw in the towel.

Oh Leaders, Our Leaders rise up as duty calls!
Rise up, for you the flags are flung, for you the trumpets wail!
But rise you not, but sit you still – For us you all do fail.     
Oh Leaders now, the ones we did elect,
Your negative ads have repulsed us all,
Our revulsion you reflect.
We’ve listened to your blatant lies
But still said “What the Heck”.

Our Leaders did not answer to this country’s real needs
Instead we got a “side show clown” and other’s steeped in greed
The election is over, the ads can stop, it’s time to rap things up
Until next time, when our reaction will be “I couldn’t give a F**k!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Donald Trump Declared Legally Insane by Surgeon General

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Just when the election could not become any crazier, the Surgeon General, Vivek H. Murthy, sent a letter to Congressional leaders today stating that "based upon affidavits supported by over 1000 psychiatric doctors who have clinically diagnosed Donald Trump as a dangerous sociopath, and represents a clear and present danger to himself and others, he had no choice but the declare Donald Trump legally insane and unfit to carry out the duties of the Presidency in the event he should become elected". He further stated that Mr. Trump should be immediately be held voluntarily or otherwise for observation and tests in a psychiatric hospital for an unspecified period of time until the extent of his psychosis can be determined. He further went on to say that as surgeon general he had a duty to notify Congress of his findings since it falls to them to approve his recommendations.

In the unlikely event that Trump should be elected, under the 25th Amendment of the Constitution the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President. Secretly this is the trump card (pardon the pun) that Paul Ryan and other Republican congressmen had been hoping for since they fear a Trump presidency even more than a Democratic one. It is uncertain if he may have played a role in the decision. Rick Pence who as elected VP would assume the office of Presidency under the 25th Amendment. He has not made any statement regarding whether or not he would go along with such a declaration, but inside operatives who know him say he would.